oh, I'm running (back)

This song has been on my mind all week ever since we sang it in church on Sunday. It's one that I hadn't heard in a long time. (it came out in 2010, forever long ago)

(Forever Reign by Hillsong)

Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign


Oh, it's been so long. Too long. It's funny (but not really) how so much can change without you even realizing it until it's almost too late. Suddenly you notice that something is missing, but you're not too sure what. And when you finally connect it, you wonder how you ever got there.

Somewhere along the line, not only did I drop off my blogging (I got busy and tired and needed a break somewhere and it's usually the first thing to go.) but I also stopped my daily journaling, and then I stopped my thankful list. And the next thing you know....you're not doing anything that you used to do!

Why is it so easy to drop a GOOD habit???

I've been struggling with that. It's so frustrating. I wish I were more disciplined.

So this song reflects my recognition that things are not as they should be but that I am taking steps to regain all that I did before that was so much better for me. Funny how daily journaling a thankful list can change your heart and outlook so much! Focusing on good, even on the toughest days, brought Joy back to my life!  Why did I stop doing this??  *insert disappointed pouty face*

Oh, I'm running (back) to Your arms.



 My heart will sing
No other name
Jesus, Jesus

remembering, broken hearts and hard truths

I'm not exactly too sure how to start this post off, to be honest. But it's been percolating in my mind for a week now. Just jumbled thoughts and emotions, but no concrete words. So bear with me.

Today is October 15th, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I lit my three candles for #WaveofLight in memory of my babies.

It's been an incredible journey, one that I never thought I'd be on. But I am so grateful for the friends that I made through this, and for the love and support I received as I had my two ectopic pregnancies and miscarriage. (You can read about my stories HERE)

We still don't talk about baby loss, or pregnancy loss yet, but we're getting better. I still think it is such a personal thing, and it shouldn't be taken lightly. It's not something that we advertise.  But I have met many others with their own stories, so it's a common heartbreak. But maybe that's why we don't talk about it. It seems... "common". When really it isn't. Having your heart break into pieces, having a part of you somewhere else, having a child you loved and wanted so dearly not with you....how can that be "common"? Even if it has happened to many of us.


I don't know if you saw the amazing photo that DMX Photography had posted on FB a few weeks ago. It was done to support and recognize a family who had lost many babies, and it was just beautiful.  I hope it is okay, but I copy/pasted the photo and what they wrote (because I'm Old Skool like that!):|

My dear and gorgeous friend Kathryn of LittleB Memories came to me with a special request for her family portrait. She and her husband longed for a family picture that showed their whole family of eight, preserving the precious memories of the five babies they'd lost due to miscarriage. This is the final image I put together for her. It took me a few days, this image weighed heavy on my heart, I can only imagine the suffering they endure on a day to day basis. My heart breaks for her and her family.

October is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. 1 in 4 is such a heartbreaking statistic...Please take a moment for Kathryn, her family, and ALL families who are suffering the loss of their children. Send them all your good thoughts and well wishes, your hugs and encouragement. They shouldn't have to suffer alone.

“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world.”
-Ronald Reagan

Can you think of anything more beautiful and touching to have on your wall? I really had no words. Just incredible. Touching.




I had got stuck in a conversation on a friend's FB wall where she had shared a photo that said that "abortion is more about escaping consequences than "choice"... it takes away the choices of another human being." Harsh words, but true. For the most part, those who commented were in agreement. Many were sympathetic and carried no condemnation, but generally, they felt that those words were honest. But this one woman commented on how it wasn't "that easy", and that it was very judgmental, and how it felt like an attack on women who can be the only one making the decisions regarding their own body. And her comments were very much what the world wants to keep saying.

Abortion is also a very private thing. I've never been put in a situation where I have felt that my pregnancies would be better off Not being. So it's easy for me to say that I'd never consider one, but to be honest, I don't know. (I do remember my friend telling me of her teen pregnancy that she thought of it for a bit. And I can totally understand why! 16 and pregnant? That's not something that many girls dream of for their high school years! Not the most ideal situation. She kept her baby and went through a lot of hard consequences, so it was definitely not an easy thing for her to go through with either. But I understand the difficulties of being in a hard place.)

What made the whole conversation hard was this statement: "Many abortions are performed for pregnancies that are very much wanted but something is very wrong (like an ectopic pregnancy). That woman is getting an abortion to save her life."

I had to stop and reread it a few times. Was she equating my ectopic pregnancies as to having an abortion???

That was difficult to read.

I didn't want to get emotional or spout off words that weren't true, but it stuck with me all night. I even did some google searching on the medication that they gave me in the hospital. I wanted to know what the medical field considered it. But that was a bad move too. Methotrexate is used to stop folate from growing. Does that mean that it stopped the baby's life? It was vague. So I went to bed heavy hearted and praying for the truth and for peace. (I was reminded that a Miscarriage is also considered a "spontaneous abortion" in the medical field, so searching for a clinical term wasn't helpful at all!)

I had no answers and that was hard. I wanted confirmation! I wanted something concrete. I wanted some release.

What I got was the reply my heart begged for.

"With all due respect and compassion, an ectopic pregnancy is not an abortion at all! That pregnancy would never result in a live birth under any circumstances, and would kill the mother along with her baby who already has no chance of survival. That's a medically necessary life-saving procedure." I am withholding the author's name due to privacy, but I believe without a doubt that she spoke God's words to me in that comment. She was a blessing to me that night, and I shed many tears over that.

After two ectopic pregnancies that took two babies and my left tube, to even consider that I had an abortion to save my own life was very hard for me to read. I would give anything to have those babies back! (I can not think of ANY woman who have had ectopic pregnancies that they would consider their procedures an abortion! And I have talked with many!) I remember that when I first was given the shot of medication, that when my heart was breaking right there on that hospital bed, that I felt like I had just killed my baby. (I mentioned that feeling in my original post on my losses.)

But I was reminded that when I was having that powerful drug, and when they were preparing me for surgery, that those babies that I was supposed to carry, the dreams that I had held briefly, did not have heartbeats. That's what the problem was. They had ceased to live. They were just black masses in my broken tube, along with my broken heart, and that wasn't safe. My life was at risk and the medication was done to break down what wasn't a viable life anymore....not due to the medication, but due to the placement of the pregnancy. These babies had no chance. There was nothing wrong with them, but in where they ended up, but sadly there is no way to fix an ectopic pregnancy yet. Maybe one day they will be able to transplant the baby to the womb safely, wouldn't that be amazing!

But an ectopic pregnancy is not an abortion at all!  I didn't chose my life over my baby's. My baby's had already ended. And an ectopic pregnancy is not like a miscarriage either. They are both handled differently and you go through different emotions regarding the loss. I grieved my miscarriage, and the baby that could have been. Somehow telling myself that there was "something wrong" with the pregnancy didn't make it feel any better. But my ectopics had more fear.

When I struggled through the whole memory of my EPs, I was surprised at how deeply it effected me. Deep inside I still ache over these losses. I am very much able to go through life without thinking of these things, and I don't spend a lot of time remembering, and I'm not dealing with depression over them anymore, and I recognize the many many ways that my life is fruitful. But this month, I have been brought back to tears and painful memories.

Strange to think that they would be almost 15, 11 and 5 years old. How different life would be! I look at the beautiful family I have now and I wouldn't trade in any of it! A bit less pain would be nice, but I can confidently say that God does give beauty from ashes! (Isaiah 61:3)

I am praying that if you have loss in your life that you do not feel alone, but that you feel and know that you are cared for and loved. I pray that your heart will heal as your body does, and that you find beauty amungst the pain eventually too. 

you matter

this is why I suck at small talk

just breathe (wordless wednesday)

ETA: (ok, so that wasn't very "wordless". oops.)

Just Surviving

I didn't think I was doing to make it through the last week. I really thought that I'd just collapse and be done with life by Wednesday. But I managed to pull through. I don't know how other than by receiving strength when I needed it.

I don't do well with too much busyness.  With having five kids, I've had a lot of comments on how busy it be at our house, but really it's not. The kids don't do sports, so we aren't going to practices every day. They aren't interested and we are part of the 60% of Canadians who can't afford sports teams for our children, or whatever the percentage is. (I'd love to put Bryn into soccer, and Kai into Tae Kwon Do or the kids into gymnastics.)  Really it's just Abi's youth group and babysitting that we have weekly.

But some weeks we have so much going on that every day has a scheduled event. And too many days like that in a row add up to me. I feel like I can't rest. There's too much to plan for and prepare and think over. And it's been that way for several weeks now. 

Busy busy busy

Ever since Spring Break last month.

We've had important doctor appointments, birthday parties, and play dates.  Then immediately we went into Easter. And then more important doctor's appointments, and meetings, and big school projects. Add some contagious infections and a weakened immune system and there you go.

I felt weary.

Oh so weary.

I kept up my Thankful List. (think Thankful Thursday but done daily. Every morning, I'll start the day with devotions from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. And I'll end the day by writing in my journal about all the things that happened and the things that I can be thankful for.  Some days are wonderful and easy. Some are boring. And some are tough and frustrating. But I have always found something to be thankful for.)  I also kept up my BSF homework. So I really should have felt a closeness to God as I drew near to HIm in my weakness.

But instead I felt weary.

And alone.

I knew He was there, and I knew that He was listening and I knew He cared. But I didn't feel Him. Not because He and I were different but because I felt so numb, and when that happens you just go on autopilot.

I was so grateful for the strength to do what I needed. By Friday night, after driving from one end of Cloverdale to the other end of Aldergrove twice in two hours for a birthday party, I collapsed in my bed and buried myself under my pillows and blankets. Like my own blanket fort.  I would've cried, but even I was too weary for that.

I wish I could say that I had a miraculous moment or a break-through that changed everything, but instead I mustered up the energy to go on. Somehow the kids got fed. And somehow they got tucked into bed. And I fell into bed by 11:30pm myself. (and early night for me)  Then the night turned into day and the sunshine greeted me after a good sleep, and the day held promise and hope again.

It's amazing how suddenly one day everything can change. I don't know how it happens. You can guess that it's because I got enough sleep (I managed to sleep in too) and that would help. Or you could argue that we were finally all feeling healthy again. You could even suggest that it was God blessing me with a new day and change.  I'm willing to agree to all three.

Whatever the reason, I am so grateful to be able to wake up to sunshine and a renewed spirit and to hope and healing. It was the first day in over a week that I didn't feel weighed down or fatigued or depressed. I didn't need to muster up more strength to make it through.

Somehow I survived!

By the grace of God, I stumbled through the trials of busyness and came out intact.  There is something about having no major plans, a good sleep in, beautiful weather and a fresh day to renew your spirit.

I hope that whatever you are going through, you feel cared for and that you can find rest.  I don't know when your break will come, but I know that it will. I pray it comes soon for you.  We all need hope to be able to carry on.

strong enough

thankful thursday

Welcome back to Thankful Thursday, a feature started by Louise at Talk Nerdy to Me, where we look back over our week to remember our blessings.  It is so good to see the good things that have happened, especially if you have had a particularly tough week. Being grateful is good for the soul. Here are just a few things that I am thankful for...

1. this girl

I am so thankful for Abi; for all that she is to our family. She babysits for us when Hunny and I need to go out somewhere (like our parent-teacher interviews at the schools, or for grocery shopping, or even just a quick step out for a coffee and a breather), even when she sometimes finds it frustrating. (we do pay her often. Sometimes in small gifts of a latte, and sometimes in cash, or in paying for new books for her to read, like we did this week!)

 
I am also so very thankful for her creativity and resourcefulness. When I was out at my dental appt recently, and Hunny was working late, she saw to dinner plans and made something for everyone. It was so good of her and I was so blessed by her thoughtfulness and her ability to fill a need. I don't know how I ended up with a girl like her! 

2. this silly girl

The Fiesty One decided to cut her own hair one morning while I was still in bed.  I know that a lot of kids do this; I certainly did as a kid, and even into my teens! But it still made me nervous to see her own handiwork!

I was thankful that it didn't really look too bad! I felt mixed on whether I should commend her on her abilities or tell her how it was a bad idea!

3. A friend of ours had her story published! 

A friend wrote a story for a grade five class project two years ago, and her teacher suggested she publish it, so her mom loked into it this year! A small company accepted it and the book came out just recently! It's so exciting! I see many years ahead of her developing her writing skills and growing her talent; she is already a great storyteller!  

Check out more information on this story, and how you can get your own copy!  We should support young talent, and local talent!  the lotus princess

4. a shameless promotion

 I don't join these things to gain followers, but I thought it was neat that Pinterest was using one of my boards in their "you may want to check this out" email this week! *patting myself on the back for being awesome*  It was neat to think that Pinterest wanted to promote me and my silly board on building projects! It made me feel pretty good! I'm thankful for small and un-important things like this that make me feel happy.

5. Jamberry party

For Abi's birthday party, she wanted to have friends over for a sleepover, but also do something fun, so we invited a woman over for a Jamberry party. I had heard about Jamberry this year, but had never had a chance to try it out myself, or to go to a party, so when we saw someone at a craft fair promoting their own business, we thought we'd try it out!

I'm a nail biter...I know, I know. It's a terrible habit. I really thought I would be over it by the time I hit my 30's, but by then the habit was set strong, and habits are hard to break.  I had heard that having a manicure would help, but since I don't have the money or time (or interest, really) to have one, I had heard that having pretty nail decor would help too.

My nails looked good!  My cousin's wife said that it helped her out, but if she had a snag or it bubbled up or frayed, she would pick at it, and I found out that to be true for me as well! Sadly, they did not make it a week! But I am going to try it again (after all, I did buy a few sets!) and hopefully I will be stronger this time!

I thought it was cute that even Eden was included! Our nail instructor, Kelly, applied Eden's nails for her, which I thought was very nice, considering I wasn't expecting her too. (you never know how some people will respond to a toddler, you know, when it involves their business, but Kelly was so wonderful!) She loved them!  *

6. Christmas music

I pulled out my Christmas cds the last week of November! I have a small collection that I listen to often, and I would say that my absolute favourites are the ones by Michael W. Smith. He has three...no, wait, I think he just came out with a new one, a Christmas with Friends one where he duets with others.  I love his Christmas music, they really do touch my heart. I love that he adds a symphony orchestra and many choirs. Oh, my heart is so happy and at peace when I listen to it. 

I was so happy to find his cds on youtube, so I've been listening on our tablet to the mix' while I prepare dinner. It really has helped with my peace!

All is Well (the song in the picture above) is a song off of his first Christmas cd, way back in 1989! It is actually sung by the American Boy Choir, and wow, it is so touching. Especially if you listen to Frank Peretti read his story of the same title. *tears* (I think you can listen to the story here. I'm not too sure since my computer isn't running very well right now, so I can't test it.)

7. custom card order 

I don't know if you are aware of this, but I love making cards and I really love making cards for other people. So I was pretty excited to have a custom order of 20 thank you cards to make for a friend!

8. Medication!

My thyroid is kind of ...off...this week. I have been in a lot of all-over body pain, having heart palpitations, feeling so so so cold, dealing with insomnia as well as fatigue, and been angry and frustrated yet also apathetic and depressed. It's been a really rough week!  So I was so thankful that my doctor called in my prescription to the pharmacy for me when mine ran out and I struggled.  

I may not always feel like my doctor is doing enough for my thyroid care, but I am sure thankful to have something to take that helps just a bit! Hopefully this will let me feel more..normal...again.

9. Snow!!!

The first snowfall of the season is always exciting!  Usually when it snows in other parts of the Lower Mainland, it won't fall at our house since we live at the bottom of two or three big hills, so I was quite surprised, and very happy, to see how much we received in the end! And ours lasted longer than my parents' house in Chilliwack!

The kids were going to go play in it, but that lasted hardly even 10 minutes. It was just too cold! We still have this arctic chill going on! Brr!

10. Swim lessons

We finished up our swimming lessons. The Youngers had a blast! They loved learning to swim, and they loved their teachers, and they were proud of themselves for what they accomplished; they started out timid and gained new skills. They didn't pass their levels, but that's okay. They learned so much and are able to now get their faces/heads wet, and that's a big step from when we started!

They keep asking about swimming, so I definitely see us repeating this in the Spring!


So that's my week in a nutshell!  There is so much to be thankful for!  What are you thankful for? If you start a list, let me know. I'd love to share your happy news too!



* I was curious as to how long Eden would keep her nails on, just to find that she had pulled them off in bed that very night! haha.  Of course, she wanted new ones on the next day!

Remembering

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I lit three candles for my babies and for my friends.

14 years...9 years....4 years... strange to think that much time has gone by.  (I shared my stories of them last year Here)


I remember them, but I hold those in my heart my very dear friends. The ones who I met during my Ectopic healing and who have become very close to me. The ones who I met during my Reflux years and have shared their hearts and losses. The ones who I know in church, in school, through friends...who all have their own stories and pain.

We don't talk much about infant and pregnancy loss still, but I am thankful for days like these, where we can all gather in support and memory. *hugs* to those who are still hurting and carrying those painful scars physically and in their heart. We remember you today.

A Mother's Day Liturgy

I tend to approach Mother's Day timidly. When I was first married, I was under the impression that becoming a Mother was something easy to achieve. Within a year, I found out that it's not always so simple and easy for everyone after all. My first ectopic took a year to physically get over, and even longer emotionally. It also opened up my eyes to the struggles many women and families face.

I have been blessed incredibly with 5 children here but I think of those who are not able to hold on to their children. Whether through infertility, pregnancy loss, early childhood death, giving up a child for adoption, or relationship strains...the list can be long. My heart aches for you. I pray that you had peace this day.

This was shared this morning at my church, and I want to pass it along to you.

A Liturgy for Mother’s Day – by Amy Young

“To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
 
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
 
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.”

present difficulties and future joy

I knew it was out before they even called me at home. I had been spending all week on the couch feeling extremely exhausted and in pain. I just could not pull myself together. But it was the third day of inactivity and inability that spoke volumes of my situation; when I felt a heavy depression descend upon me and I felt so emotional. I haven't felt this depressed in years and it surprised me, to be honest; it happened so suddenly.

I had just had my bloodwork done a few days earlier, so I was expecting the doctor's office to call me. I was hoping they'd just call into the pharmacy for a new prescription change, as they have been lately,  but since my levels are so far out (than typical for me), the doctor wanted me to come in. She wanted to determine if there was anything happening, such as, say, a pregnancy. Yeah. No. It's just my body being my body. All confused. Boo.

Dumb thyroid.

Unfortunately, the new dose hasn't helped at all. I may not be as depressed, but I still am absolutely fatigued, which means my body aches are back. Fun.

I wonder if I'll ever get past this. My Love is hopeful and thinks one day I'll be well again, but I don't share his outlook. (which is tough since I'm usually the Optimist) I just don't know. It's so easy to get into a negative mindset when things are messed up, and right now all I feel and all I remember are the many past days, weeks, where I haven't been able to accomplish anything in my day, and my history where I've struggled with this. Where I spend most of it on the couch in a semi-sleep-awake-state. It's tough. How do you remain optimistic in continual days like that?

I was reading an obituary recently of a woman who was described as having an autoimmune disease and in pain, but "she never complained or let it define her."  And no, reading obituaries aren't morbid. I am curious about these people. About their lives, their families, things that others will remember about them. Most are elderly and their lives were so much different than ours are today. Most immigrated from war-torn countries, lived during hard depressing times, struggled with loss, and their stories are interesting and importatant. One day, my life will be summerized in a few sentances. I wonder what my family will write? That I struggled with loss, but never complained? That I dealt with health issues but endured with strength? That I taught my family to persevere with joy?

I'm not feeling very joyful or strong lately. It's been a long, yet blurry, three weeks.

I was reading a post this morning on Ann Voskamp's blog, Holy Experience, titled "How the get through when you want to give up." It was actually a post written by Jon Bloom on giving thanks in all circumstances. I read it, skimming a lot of the words, but didn't really take it in. I feel like I've read stuff like this before and it's done nothing so far to help me. It's not that I don't believe it. I do. But somehow believing isn't always living, is it? So I read things and nothing changes.

But the last part has stuck with me for a few hours now. Jon Bloom says: "How do you give thanks in all circumstances? There's only one way: Jesus' way. Look to the joy set before you. Look to the joy! If the future joy Jesus promises is real and you believe Him, there is no circumstance that can steal your thanksgiving."

Yeah, I know. That can feel like just more words sometimes, can't it? But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I just had to re-word it.  The Future Joy he is speaking about are the promises God has given us in the Bible. Such as complete forgiveness of our sins (Romans 6:23), all of our needs provided (Philippians 4:19), one day we will be raised from the dead and never die again (1 Corinthians 15:52, 53), we will receive all the grace we need (2 Corinthians 9:8), He will complete the works He has started in us (this one gives me hope! Philippians 1:6), someday soon we will see Jesus and be with him (2 Corinthians 5:8) and be like him (1 John 3:2), we will know complete joy (Psalm 16:11 and Psalm 43:4)...and many more!

So basically, focus on the promises that He has given to us. Focus on the Future Joy, not the present difficulties. This is where you find your joy.

"Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice and no one will take away your joy." John 16:22

Now, THAT is something to look forward to!

Joy Cometh

When I struggled with depression and fatigue and toddlers, I realized that my joy was stolen.  I listened to the music and I sang and I read the books and I quoted Bible passages, but I was still grasping for Joy.

As I searched for Joy, I found myself drawn to the word. The action. The desired result. The freedom that came in its release.

I don't fully have the joy that I started out with. But I am getting there and I feel I am on a good path.  I will claim that fruit of the Spirit once more and be filled and overflowing.

My Remembering Story

Today is National Baby Loss Awareness Day. October fifteenth.


With a day that is so important, so deep, I find the name lacking. But how do you put into words the emotions involved in the loss of a baby? There just aren't any.

I remember when I lost my first baby. It was 2000 and I was just about to celebrate my first wedding anniversary with the discovery of my first pregnancy. It was perfect! I was over the moon! I had everything I had ever wanted: a wonderful, loving husband and a baby soon following.  I bought the baby books, I obsessed over magazines, I started to collect ideas for a scrapbook. We told our family right away, that's how excited I was! I even started to write out cards to announce it to family members living across the country. This baby was everything to me.


I remember reading every pregnancy info I could find. What to expect, what to look out for, what to ask your doctor about, what to decide on. I knew it all. I remember reading over the the warning signs as well; the things that could be bad, but I was able to wave it off with a relieved sigh as I had nothing to worry about. I had some spotting, but that's normal. It didn't last anyways. And even at about 6 weeks, when I had such severe stomach cramps at work, where I couldn't even work for a half hour as I sat in the back room in pain and worry, I shrugged off as it never happened again. The days and weeks went by easily.


I remember walking into the hospital for my routine 12 week ultrasound in confidence. I brought my mom and my sister along so that they could enjoy this moment too. Aside from having a full bladder and a non-speaking technician, I had no reason to think anything was amiss. But then it started to take a long time. She moved that wand around my belly in every possible direction, had me move to my sides, trying to get better pictures. Things started to feel concerning when she said that she needed to talk to a supervisor. It got scary when she returned to say that she was going to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound on me. I had never heard of those before! (Coming from a woman who was not sexually active prior to marriage and has lived a pretty tame and pure life --some might say 'prudish'-- the idea of one made me ill. You want to do put what where? It was a horrifying experience. Not that she wasn't gentle or caring or anything, but it was invasive and made me very uncomfortable. If they were to find a way to do these sorts of scans in a less intimate way, I would be very grateful. Many women would be.)  When she left to consult her supervisor again, I knew something wasn't right, and I kept singing a song in my head to keep me from losing stability.


She returned, told me to take a piece of paper to the emergency ward, and that there was nothing in my uterous.


I had no idea what she was talking about. What do you mean there is nothing there? I'm pregnant. I have the tests to prove it. The morning sickness, the sore breasts, the frequent urination that tells me so. I am almost out of my first trimester. Something isn't right.


I remember walking to the emergency ward, and going up to the front desk, totally confused. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know why I was there. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. All I knew is that my Mom was crying and I was lost. And then a cruel triage nurse tells me, rather coldly, that I am having an Ectopic Pregnancy and there is no baby. Her exact words aren't in my memory anymore, but I remember her harshness and I remember how uncaring she was.


So suddenly, my joy of seeing my 12 week baby on screen was traded with the fear and confusion of a pregnancy that would not result in a baby, but also needed to be stopped.  I remember feeling numb as I got into a gown and had an IV inserted. I remember using my sister's cellphone to call my Hunny with the news, but I don't remember what was said, or how long my mom and sister stayed or what we did to pass the time in the emergency ward. It's all a blur.


I remember trying to be strong, but really I was devastated and I didn't know what to do or say. I wanted to cry and I wanted someone to hold me and tell me that things would be okay, but my husband was just as lost. I remember wanting to throw up when they gave me a shot of Methotrexate in my backside. Not only did it hurt like hell, but my heart crushed then and my life changed after that one moment. That injection left scars that still hurt. I know now that I wasn't killing my baby, but that's how it felt. That I had just given a toxic medication that would save my life (so my tube wouldn't burst), but it was aborting my own child, something that I could not, would not, ever choose to do. And that weighed heavy on me for so long; this guilt that I felt. (Thankfully, later I came to realize that this baby hadn't survived and that the Methotrexate moved the cells out of my tube so that my body could heal. Likely, when I felt the massive cramp at 6 weeks, my baby was already dying and outgrowing the tiny space it wasn't supposed to be in. We just didn't realize that's what happened until 12 weeks.)


It took my body and my heart a year to heal. They say that you can start trying for another baby after 3 months, as it takes that long for you to heal physically, but my periods were so crazy and my cycles kept getting longer and longer and I was a wreck. I fell into a depression where every month was another waiting game to see if we were pregnant again, and every month another let down when we weren't. Suddenly, everything good and perfect in my life had fallen apart and was stolen. (sad way of viewing it, eh? Considering I still had my wonderful loving husband, and I had my supportive family, and I had a great job and caring friends. But when you're grieving and depressed, it's easy to see what you're lacking than what you have, even if you know you have been blessed.)


I still think of her on New Year's Eve. Her due date was 01-01-01. And I was convinced she was a she, and so I named her Lily because it sounded delicate and beautiful.


My story still brings me to tears, even though it has been thirteen years. Wow. She would be a teenager this year! But, thanks be to God, He has blessed me still and my life is full! A year after we conceived Lily, and at our second anniversary, we found out we were pregnant with Abi! And after the first fears were put aside, and we were given an early ultrasound to determine baby was perfectly nestled in my womb and I had gotten past my first trimester, things went by well. What a beautiful gift He gave me when He answered my prayers for a child!


Then along came Kai, and how wonderful is that? A toddler and a baby boy. Life was great!


But then I had my second ectopic. I knew that after having one, your chances of another was a lot higher, but after two healthy pregnancies I thought maybe I'd pass that. Yeah, not so much. The thing is that I didn't even know that I was pregnant!


It was 2005. That was a terribly rough year medically. I was diagnosed with depression, and an underactive thyroid. Gah!


We had just said good night to friends who came over for dinner and Bible study. I had put Abi to bed and was holding Kai and trying to keep him asleep while I played on the computer when I had such incredible cramps. They took my breath away! I managed to stumble out to the living room and told Hunny that the pain was like being in labour with the other two except that it wasn't letting up like a contraction and I wasn't pregnant! He asked if I needed to go to the hospital, but I so valiantly said that it may pass over and I'd be okay. *rolleyes* He called his sister to watch our kids (she conveniently lived below in our basement suite) while he drove me.


I remember thinking it was an ectopic, and telling the hospital staff.  I remember thinking that if it was that it could be dangerous. I'd heard of stories of women who had their tubes burst and they bled internally and almost died (and some have) because they weren't cared for properly. I was so scared of that happening! I was in so much pain that I couldn't even sit properly in my chair in the triage, and I felt so ill, and I had purple-ish brown blood (yeah, not my period after all.) 


When I was finally brought in to a bed, I did my customary pee in a cup for them, and we waited for a doctor. When he arrived, Doctor Brilliant says with slight optimism, "well, you're pregnant!" followed by a pause and a "is this good news?" I looked at him blankly and responded, "not if that's why I'm in pain!" Sheesh. Some people. Since it was around midnight by then, they couldn't do an ultrasound on me since it was closed, so I'd have to spend the night and wait til morning. But since I was in so much pain, they at least gave me morphine. I've said this before, but let me say it again: this is such a strange drug!!! It feels so incredibly out-of-body-like when it takes affect; I have a really hard time thinking that people like this feeling and get addicted to it!!! But it did take away my pain, and I did get to sleep.


The next day, an ultrasound confirmed that I was having an ectopic pregnancy again, so a laproscopy was scheduled for me. We decided that since this was my second, that the Olders were likely conceived and traveled the healthy right tube, and that my left fallopian tube was scarred and damaged; it was in our best interest to remove it.  I was all for that, even though I was a bit unsure of my fertility. I was down to one tube. Would that cut my chances in half? Would that mean my dreams of a large family were gone? I was pleasantly surprised when the obstetrician I met after surgery for my follow up appointment told me that since I had both ovaries, they would both still continue to release eggs, and in the wonder that is our body, the eggs dropped on the left would still manage to make their way to the right tube. How awesome is that???


Turns out it's true! A year later, we welcomed Bryn, and then two years after, Rhys. With one tube too!


Sadly, I did have a miscarriage in 2010 though. That was a tough one. Not nearly as hard as my first ectopic but harder than my second EP. (with that EP, I felt no connection to the baby. No naming, no feelings of gender, and no due date to obsess over. The day I found out I was pregnant was the day I knew it wasn't going to last. I was "pregnant", but not with a baby like the ones I had at home. So this one wasn't as emotional for me as much as it is a part of my story still.)  This pregnancy came at a horrible time, when things were so stressful, when a baby was not a part of our plan, when I did not wish for this baby or long for it. It was so incredibly hard and I spent many tears over it, praying, begging, asking God for guidance. It took a few weeks to finally accept the pregnancy as a part of God's plan for our life, good or bad, when I started to bleed. And that sinking feeling again. The one that tells you that things may not end well. I bled for three or four days, red thick blood that ripped at my soul. It taunted me and threw back all my fears in my face; like a cruel joke. An undesired pregnancy that I came to accept and maybe start to plan for just to have to accept that it wasn't meant to be. What was the use of that? It took me several weeks to get over that. I feel shame over the whole thing still, and have many questions that will only be answered when I see Him face to face.


Three babies in heaven wait for me.  I have been pregnant eight times.


Despite the pain, the tears, the depression, the anxiety over my losses, I am more reminded of my blessings.  I have five wonderful babies. I am so richly blessed. I know many women who don't get to hold that many in their arms. That the ones they have in heaven out number the ones in life.  I don't understand the Whys, but I do know that God is watching out for us, and He has a plan for each and every one of us and that He wants to bless us and draw us to Him.


I knew that life had moved on in a good direction when I was finally able to get through New Year's Eve without remembering my loss.  And that's a good thing.  I will always hold my babies in my heart, and they will always be a part of my story, and I hope that I can be used as an encouragement to others, but I can look forward with joy. One day I will meet those babies and I will know their names and it will be wonderful.


Today, as we Remember Infant and Baby Loss, I remember my babies, and I remember Quinn, my cousin's boy who was born still last year, and I remember the babies my friends have lost through Ectopics and their loss of fertility as well, I remember Calypso, my friend's little girl who lived and fought a tough battle for a few weeks after being born prematurely and very ill, and I remember how Baby Loss is still such a quiet subject. It's so personal and so emotional that you can't just bring it up out of the blue. How do you tell someone that you have lost babies? How does it possibly come up in a conversation? It's not something we tend to talk about. So I remember the hearts that have been broken, wounded, scarred and are healing slowly with pain that can not be put into words.

When I had my first ectopic pregnancy 13 years ago, there wasn't a lot of information out there.  I remember a tiny little blurb in a pregnancy book, that was it. Everything I read said that it was "rare", as if that were to alleviate fears that it wasn't likely to happen. (I have begun to recognize that if things are rare that they have a higher chance of happening to us. We have had many rare things happen. Ectopics. Cardiomyopathy. Subcutaneous Emphesyma. to name a few) I remember being so upset at that word. RARE. And I wanted to write to every book author and every magazine and tell them it's not that rare after all! It can and does happen. And sometimes you don't know why!


I wandered around in my loss and depression for years, and it wasn't until after I had my second EP that I found a group that supported me. I could not find any group whatsoever in Canada or in the States. The hospitals didn't know what to say, the doctors just told you that your fertility would likely be okay, but no one was able to support and grieve with you. What a blessing it was for me to find Ectopic Pregnancy Trust, a group dedicated to early pregnancy complications in the UK! I joined their message boards and met so many wonderful and dear friends. And my heart healed.


Please, please, if your heart is hurting and you have suffered a baby loss, do not grieve alone! Find someone. Even if that someone is a stranger online! You may find many a kindred friend there. I know I have! Please, talk to someone about your pain and your fears; these are normal things and it is ok to talk them through. Cry. Laugh. Remember. You don't have to go through this alone, and you shouldn't.


If you have friends who have suffered a baby loss, please support them. You will not know what to say, and that is okay. You don't always need the "right words", sometimes just knowing that there is a friend to talk to is enough. Listen to your friend, let her tell you her story (many times if she needs), let her cry. Hold her. Tell her that you don't know what to say, but your heart aches with them.

May today be a peaceful one for you.

overwhelmed

I am trying to rest and de-stress by listening to music and writing. Everything was fine this morning, other than the kids being restless and getting on each other's nerves, that is. But then suddenly everything was happening at once. Kids fighting, kids asking for things, spills on the floor, 4 texts at once to answer, phone ringing, lunch to make, conversations all going on at once and I couldn't focus or follow anything. Argh!

Overwhelmed.

We have so much going on that I don't know where to start. But a nap sounds good! (I wish!)

It is a few days until school starts again. I am feeling sad to think of summer being over, and knowing that my house will be quiet....and don't get me started on the early mornings again! But the kids are restless this week, so they are ready for something new again.

Why is life so damn expensive?
School supplies, shoes and clothes, school tuition, food, gas....we are fast approaching our expensive season, which begins the end of August in the preparation of school. September is filled with sudden school expenses like hot lunches and class pictures. Then we have birthdays and the beginning of Christmas buying. *sigh*  Our stress feels higher at the beginning of Autumn. It feels new and full of promise in Spring. And even when expenses put things on hold in Summer, there is still the hope of "another day" to get things done. But Autumn and Winter tells us to "hurry, you're running out of time, it needs to be done now." And I resent it because I love Fall so much. :(

Deep breaths.

Inside I feel all angsty, like there is a battle going on. I am trying to search for answers and find some peace and I am longing to lean on Him in trust, but the struggle continues. I feel like things are going to change and that there needs to be a change, but I don't know what or where. It's like being in the eye of the hurricane. It's calm and things are going well, but all around me I can see disruptions and chaos, and I fear it's going to hit me soon.

Or maybe all this overwhelming stress is the hurricane and I'm almost out of it. Soon there will be complete peace and I can sit and breathe and think clearly. Not because I'm in the Eye, but because it's done and settled.

We had our children's schooling figured out last week. It was a simple phone call, that's all it took. It was so underwhelming that I felt anxiety over it! I had spent my summer weighing options, being filled with worry, praying for solutions, discussing ideas, being held back by this One.Big.Thing. And it was solved in one minute!  I admit that I would've liked it to have taken a bit more work, more discussing, more laying out our plans. Maybe even a bit more excitement all around.

To have it solved is a huge blessing and a weight off our shoulders, but it took up so much of my mind that I don't know what to do with myself. The ideas we had thought up, what happens to those? I wish it were so easy to dismiss it all like others have with the enthusiastic, "Hooray! That's great! God is good!" but it is taking me a bit longer to find the strength and the trust, I guess. I feel like I'm doubting a gift and that makes me feel even worse!

 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.    ~Galations 5:22, 23

I need those fruits right now.

Adjusting

The Olders are back in school and loving it and B started Preschool and he's doing great, so things should be settling down for me, and I should be in a rhythm now, but I don't feel that way. Instead, I feel exhausted. I feel that fear of mornings again, where I attempt to muster up some energy to drive to the school (a tumbler filled with hot chocolate works for a bit, but then gives me a tummy ache! and I'm not a coffee drinker.) but feel like collapsing during the day. I've seen the doctor and my thyroid isn't out enough to cause this much fatigue and it isn't anything else (I know what you're thinking!) so I guess it's just that I Don't Do Mornings Well. At all.

Phooey.

I wonder oftentimes if I'll ever get it figured out and I don't know. It's a depressing thought. So far, things seem to be on a downward scale and I don't see the possibility of a difference. But I must be open to the chance of a productive day, or else I have no hope. But in reality, I am frightened that this is all there is for me; constantly exhausted and struggling for normalcy.

This is the time for adjustments and tweaking things, for working on schedules and trying new options. And hoping it'll start to come easier for me to figure out.

Empty Hearts

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I still find it tough. I've been blessed to be a Mother of four wonderful & beautiful children, and I've had eight years to get used to the idea, but every year this day pains me. My mind wanders to the women whose arms are empty from the babies that were stolen from their womb and the silent hurt that they feel. Yes, Mother's Day is a wonderful celebration to honor those who give us life, who nurture us, who help us develop into the charming adults we are. *ahem* And I have no problem lavishing upon my own Mother the love and admiration I have. (but come on, there is no possible way I'll be able to thank her fully!) But what of the mothers who don't have children to give them macaroni necklaces or dandilions from the backyard? We tend to forget them.

When I became pregnant the first time, I went through Mother's Day full of wonderment, not realizing it would end a month later. God, in His infinite wisdom, blessed me so that the very next year, I was filled with promise again. But I have friends who don't have full arms, only empty hearts; some with only the chance of motherhood (as we see it--with a physical child to hold) by expensive medical intervention, and my heart aches for them.

Yesterday, I celebrated my Mom (as much as I could in a sleepy fog and a do-or-golf hockey game) and I let myself be pampered, and I enjoyed my four children, and thought of the babies I have waiting for me in Heaven. And I prayed for the empty hearts out there. Infertility is more common than we think. Baby loss (by miscarriage/ectopic/stillbirth etc) is even bigger. I'm sure you know one or two or even a handful. Please take time this week to connect with these women. Give them comfort. Remind them that you care. Tell them that God holds their hearts and loves them.

If you're wondering how to honor a Mother with empty arms, check out this post by Holley. When Mother's Day is Difficult

struggling

I'm struggling right now. My thyroid is out and I can tell but there isn't anything I can do about it until I can get my doctor to realize. I had my bloodwork done last month and when I saw my dr (my original doctor not my friend's doctor, lol) and while she said that my levels of TSH were too high, she didn't want to adjust anything b/c she wasn't convinced that there was an issue yet. She asked if I had felt anxious, to which I said No, because I'm not. Aggitated? Oh Yes!!! Very aggitated! And sleepy. Oh so sleepy. Since I'm not anxious, things must be ok, right? Even though I told her I knew my thyroid was out, I could tell and that I was extremely exhausted. *sigh* Doctors!

So while I have a LOT of things I want to post and talk about, I have no energy. My life is kind of on auto-play...no thinking, no action, just doing. And it sucks. :(

For those who don't know, I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism in 2005. (that was a tough year for me) Your thyroid controls your
*heart rate
*respiratory rate
*rate at which calories are burned
*skin maintenance
*growth
*heat production
*fertility
*digestion. (1)

But more than that, more importantly, when your thyroid is out, you have a range of symptoms that really screw things up! The symptoms for Hypothyroidism (when your thyroid is underactive and produces high levels of TSH and low levels of T4) include: *fatigue
*dry skin
*feeling cold
*weight gain
*coarse hair/hair loss
*muscle aches
*depression
*difficulty concentrating
*brittle nails
*constipation
*hoarse voice
*puffiness of the face/around eyes
*heavy periods
*infertility
*high cholesterol. (2)

Believe me! I know! I don't have all of those symptoms, but I have enough! Also, "hypothyroidism can lead to serious consequences if not treated." (3)

I go get my blood checked every other month or so. Actually, that's not true. I had my thyroid nice and settled for a good 6 months where it was regulated and all was good. But then I got pregnant with Rhys and things haven't been in order since. I think. It's been a while; I don't remember when it first went out!

Hopefully things will get back into order again. I have lots of updating to do and I want to do it before it becomes OLD news! :)

(Beers, MH, Fletcher AJ, et al, editors, The Merck Manual of Medical Information. (1) Kasper DL, Braunwald E, et al, editors, Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine 2005 (2) Abbott Laboratories, Limited 2008 You don't feel right, but you just can't put your finger on it....(3) ...I picked up a handy-dandy pamphlet at my doctor's office recently!)

so thankful

This weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada, and as I sit here, with a happy tummy from turkey, I am thinking upon the year and remembering...

*I am ever-so thankful for friends who helped my sister and I go see my BFF get married. The willingness and giving natures of my friends don't necessarily shock me, but it was such a humbling surprise!

*I am so thankful that Abi has a best friend of her own and that they are in the same class and are there for eachother.

*I am so thankful for my neighbour who is also my friend. She cares for me. She understands the issues that mothers go through, she encourages me to keep at things, she helps me out, she pushes me when I need it....I love Jenny!

*I am so thankful for my children. They delight me. They frustrate me. They make me laugh. They drive me nuts. They give me reasons to try harder. They make me notice the things in my life that I still need to work on.

*I am so thankful for my family. We're all getting older and our lives are different and we live apart and we have different friends and we don't always talk....but when we get together, it's all perfect again! I love my family! I love my brother's humor. He still knows how to make me feel silly, yet feel loved at the same time! I love my sister's perfectionist ways. She gets things done and they're done right and she knows how to have fun doing it too! I love the way she makes me smile and feel normal! :) I love my parents b/c...well, my mom is the Best, and my Dad is ...well, he's my Dad. He's funny, annoying, silly, loving, giving...

*I am so thankful that my in-laws are friends and that getting together isn't a chore. I'm thankful that even though we've very different, we're also very much the same.

*I am so thankful that we have the oppotunity to send our kids to LCS. It is such a wonderful school where we love the teachers (the principal has almost all the kids' names memorized by sight now, it's amazing!) and the community.

*I am so thankful for our church, Jericho Ridge. I love our pastor! I love that our kids love going to Kids at the Ridge! (Sunday school) I love that our church has a wonderful community feeling and shows care and love in tangible ways.

*I am so thankful that Hunny has a good job where his boss cares for the employees, even though it is really slow right now.

*I am so thankful that we haven't had any serious illnesses or injuries this year! (so far) No hospitalizations. (yet)

*I am so thankful that I was able to go off of my antidepressants cold turkey a few months ago! I am in shock over it, but I am so thankful! I never saw that happening, but it did! He is watching over me!!! I haven't gone psycho!!! lol

*I am so thankful that Galilee Fly & Tackle has been open for a FULL YEAR now! God has blessed the business and I pray it continues to grow.

*I am so thankful that we have a house and food and vehicles. It's been incredibly tight lately for us financially, and I've been stressed out b/c of it, but when I seriously think about it in comparison to some people and some countries, it's hard to feel so sorry for myself!

*I am so thankful that God still blesses us, even though we sleep in and miss church or forget to tithe our 10% or lose our patience with the children or skip prayer at dinner or forgets to live by the Fruits of the Spirit. I'm so thankful that My God is a God of Love and Forgiveness who doesn't save based upon acts b/c I would so lose! I'm so thankful that when there are days that I feel like giving up, that I'm just not "good enough", He reminds me not to, that He created me and that I'm exactly where He wants me to be.

He has blessed me over and over. There is a saying that sticks in my head, which I find cute. "I'm too blessed to be stressed!" It's a funny thing, and I wished it were that easy. But when you think about it...truely think about it...it's true, isn't it?

I have come to realize something very important, and this has become somewhat of a motto for me right now. "He has provided for us so far, why would He stop now?" God isn't going to give up on us just b/c times are tough! He's not going to suddenly say, 'well, sorry, you're on your own from now on'! Instead, He reminds us to keep on, stay the track, I'm watching over you! I'm walking this with you.

He has blessed me and I am full of joy.