Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Rhys is a *bit* delayed. Just a little. Okay, maybe a lot, I don't know. He's been seen by Michele, from Infant Development Program (which actually changed their name this year, but I can't remember what to), since he was a few months old due to his premature birth. (She also came and saw the older two boys when they were little, so she's been in our family for almost 8 years! That's neat to think of!) According to her Assessment quiz, or whatever it was, Rhys is placed anywhere from 30-36 months of age. He is actually 40 months old, if I can count properly! This result doesn't surprise me (and this was just her quick assessment after his testing, and not the whole explained result. I'll get that this week when she comes.) To me, he looks and acts like a 2 1/2 year old, not a child who turned 3 in the summer. He seems smaller, younger...more babyish than child-like. But maybe that's why I love him so much. His baby-ness is endearing to me! He's cute and sweet and so innocent and cuddly. I don't want him to outgrow this yet! Okay, sometimes I do! But I love his personality, and if having him lose it because he ages, I'd rather he stay little!
We're working on his speech right now, as that is where he is the furthest behind. This is like old hat to me, though, and I'm not worried. We went through this with Kai, and started the process with Bryn, and now here we are with Rhys...what is up with my boys??? :) I vividly remember the whole long journey with Kai; the painful, stressful, disheartening journey. I don't remember anything with Byrn; how long he was delayed for, what his actual struggle was, none of it! I just remember feeling as though he'd "get it" in time. And, sure enough, when we were placed on the waiting list for speech therapy, by the time we were called, he had caught up!
I still do feel that Rhys will "get it" soon too, and he is, but we have been seen at Surrey Early Speech and Language, where Kai was seen for two years. That was a mixed feeling for me. For one, I wasn't too sure I wanted him to be seen by the ST we were assigned since I remembered her from three years earlier as being a bit stand-off-ish and not warm. Secondly, I didn't really think we needed therapy. I was sure that Rhys would take off on his own soon! I went in thinking it wouldn't be worth my time, to be honest. (plus, I had to bring in all of the other kids and that's stressful for me. I don't like taking them all with me when we need to see any type of professional) Yes, he was delayed just like Kai was, but he was also so different than him too. Rhys was actually interested in speaking, he just didn't know how or wasn't given the time he needed or...or something. He was delayed but willing to learn. Whereas Kai was not and was such a struggle to get to participate and respond in anything other than grunts; he was so difficult! So I went to our initial appointment with the thoughts that we wouldn't need to do this, that things would work out, that whatever it was that was holding Rhys back would be solved.
How surprised I was to find that I was annoyed with the ST for brushing us off! Well, maybe she didn't really brush us off, but she didn't give any indication that she thought he was needing immediate attention. Instead, she wanted me to attend this parent workshop and then call her for a follow-up assessment in December! She wasn't doing her job and wanted me to do it instead! I was so frustrated with her! I know, how arrogant of me, eh? I didn't think Rhys needed therapy like Kai did and when she agreed with me in unspoken terms, I was upset! It made no sense!
But, each week, I dutifully attended this parent workshop that was designed to teach parents techniques on getting their child to the next level of speech and how to avoid the things they were doing to hold them back in their development. I went because I had to, because if I didn't, it would make me look bad. I left the first night, not armed with new information or skills (it was info I'd already been told many times before....repeat, repeat, repeat, use 1 word when talking..etc) but with a realization of how my own attitude may have been holding him back! I sat with a good 10 other couples who actually wanted to be there! In fact, one mom was wanting the help so badly that she had brought along her parents, her brother and his wife, as they all wanted to support and help her out! That blew me away! And a foster mother was there because three of her charges were delayed! These people came because they thought this was going to help and they welcomed that and they desired to learn some skills! I came because I wanted to. How arrogant of me!
Since starting, Rhys' speech has grown big time! He is starting to use 2-word sentences now (YAY!) and his vocabulary has expanded! It's awesome! I don't think it's because of these classes, to be honest. I think he picked them up on his own. But these classes did help me out. I'm still not too sure what is causing his delayment, but I do wonder if it's because we rush too much. We think we're helping him, but we're speaking for him, supplying him with the answers, and not sitting back and letting him initiate. We had some homework with our classes, which included setting aside 10 minutes...just 10...where we interacted with the child but were not allowed to respond or talk or fill in answers until we counted to 10 slowly! (So we'd say something, wait to see if they'd respond and then count before saying something again. 1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3 mississippi....) That was painfully hard! We naturally want to fill in the spaces of silence. The other one was where we had to spend half an hour NOT asking questions! That was difficult as well. How do you NOT? It's something parents are constantly doing. What do you see there? Do you hear that? Would you like this? What is wrong? Where is the...? But when we ask these types of questions to a speech-delayed child, it doesn't give them a chance to expand on their vocabulary. They can point, grunt or just say Yes in response to many of them! So I've learned a few things. :)
This week, Rhys showed off not only his understanding of words but that he was starting to grow his conversation skills too! (most speech-delayed children are delayed in their vocalization but not in their understanding, which can make it difficult for parents. We know he can understand a lot yet we need to cut back our speaking to a lower level just to give them the chance to respond.) I've been teaching him that he is a boy and I am a girl, and who our family is. He did not seem to know this last month at the testing, but now he gets it!
We were out shopping as a family on the weekend when Hunny stops at Best Buy for a new sensor bar for our wii (turns out that one of the bunnies had bit through the wires of our old one!) Abi doesn't want to go in, and Eden is sleeping, and frankly, I had no interest in going inside, so we decided to stay in the van. Now, Rhys is the only one left in a 5-point harness car seat (other than Eden, obviously) so unfortunately, if he can be left in the vehicle, he will be, just for the inconvenience of taking him in and out of his seat. Which is what Hunny was preparing to do at the store. But Rhys starts to cry, saying "me....me....me!" He wanted out too! As B and Kai are climbing out of the van, Hunny says, "I'm sorry, Rhys, I'm going with just The Boys!" And Rhys says clearly, "Me Boy!" pointing to his chest emphatically!
Can't argue with that! He got to go too! :)
I love my boy. He is my cuddle bug still. He's sensitive. He's cute. He's witty. And he's starting to grow up. And that's exciting. And sad. But mostly exciting.
We're working on his speech right now, as that is where he is the furthest behind. This is like old hat to me, though, and I'm not worried. We went through this with Kai, and started the process with Bryn, and now here we are with Rhys...what is up with my boys??? :) I vividly remember the whole long journey with Kai; the painful, stressful, disheartening journey. I don't remember anything with Byrn; how long he was delayed for, what his actual struggle was, none of it! I just remember feeling as though he'd "get it" in time. And, sure enough, when we were placed on the waiting list for speech therapy, by the time we were called, he had caught up!
I still do feel that Rhys will "get it" soon too, and he is, but we have been seen at Surrey Early Speech and Language, where Kai was seen for two years. That was a mixed feeling for me. For one, I wasn't too sure I wanted him to be seen by the ST we were assigned since I remembered her from three years earlier as being a bit stand-off-ish and not warm. Secondly, I didn't really think we needed therapy. I was sure that Rhys would take off on his own soon! I went in thinking it wouldn't be worth my time, to be honest. (plus, I had to bring in all of the other kids and that's stressful for me. I don't like taking them all with me when we need to see any type of professional) Yes, he was delayed just like Kai was, but he was also so different than him too. Rhys was actually interested in speaking, he just didn't know how or wasn't given the time he needed or...or something. He was delayed but willing to learn. Whereas Kai was not and was such a struggle to get to participate and respond in anything other than grunts; he was so difficult! So I went to our initial appointment with the thoughts that we wouldn't need to do this, that things would work out, that whatever it was that was holding Rhys back would be solved.
How surprised I was to find that I was annoyed with the ST for brushing us off! Well, maybe she didn't really brush us off, but she didn't give any indication that she thought he was needing immediate attention. Instead, she wanted me to attend this parent workshop and then call her for a follow-up assessment in December! She wasn't doing her job and wanted me to do it instead! I was so frustrated with her! I know, how arrogant of me, eh? I didn't think Rhys needed therapy like Kai did and when she agreed with me in unspoken terms, I was upset! It made no sense!
But, each week, I dutifully attended this parent workshop that was designed to teach parents techniques on getting their child to the next level of speech and how to avoid the things they were doing to hold them back in their development. I went because I had to, because if I didn't, it would make me look bad. I left the first night, not armed with new information or skills (it was info I'd already been told many times before....repeat, repeat, repeat, use 1 word when talking..etc) but with a realization of how my own attitude may have been holding him back! I sat with a good 10 other couples who actually wanted to be there! In fact, one mom was wanting the help so badly that she had brought along her parents, her brother and his wife, as they all wanted to support and help her out! That blew me away! And a foster mother was there because three of her charges were delayed! These people came because they thought this was going to help and they welcomed that and they desired to learn some skills! I came because I wanted to. How arrogant of me!
Since starting, Rhys' speech has grown big time! He is starting to use 2-word sentences now (YAY!) and his vocabulary has expanded! It's awesome! I don't think it's because of these classes, to be honest. I think he picked them up on his own. But these classes did help me out. I'm still not too sure what is causing his delayment, but I do wonder if it's because we rush too much. We think we're helping him, but we're speaking for him, supplying him with the answers, and not sitting back and letting him initiate. We had some homework with our classes, which included setting aside 10 minutes...just 10...where we interacted with the child but were not allowed to respond or talk or fill in answers until we counted to 10 slowly! (So we'd say something, wait to see if they'd respond and then count before saying something again. 1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3 mississippi....) That was painfully hard! We naturally want to fill in the spaces of silence. The other one was where we had to spend half an hour NOT asking questions! That was difficult as well. How do you NOT? It's something parents are constantly doing. What do you see there? Do you hear that? Would you like this? What is wrong? Where is the...? But when we ask these types of questions to a speech-delayed child, it doesn't give them a chance to expand on their vocabulary. They can point, grunt or just say Yes in response to many of them! So I've learned a few things. :)
This week, Rhys showed off not only his understanding of words but that he was starting to grow his conversation skills too! (most speech-delayed children are delayed in their vocalization but not in their understanding, which can make it difficult for parents. We know he can understand a lot yet we need to cut back our speaking to a lower level just to give them the chance to respond.) I've been teaching him that he is a boy and I am a girl, and who our family is. He did not seem to know this last month at the testing, but now he gets it!
We were out shopping as a family on the weekend when Hunny stops at Best Buy for a new sensor bar for our wii (turns out that one of the bunnies had bit through the wires of our old one!) Abi doesn't want to go in, and Eden is sleeping, and frankly, I had no interest in going inside, so we decided to stay in the van. Now, Rhys is the only one left in a 5-point harness car seat (other than Eden, obviously) so unfortunately, if he can be left in the vehicle, he will be, just for the inconvenience of taking him in and out of his seat. Which is what Hunny was preparing to do at the store. But Rhys starts to cry, saying "me....me....me!" He wanted out too! As B and Kai are climbing out of the van, Hunny says, "I'm sorry, Rhys, I'm going with just The Boys!" And Rhys says clearly, "Me Boy!" pointing to his chest emphatically!
Can't argue with that! He got to go too! :)
I love my boy. He is my cuddle bug still. He's sensitive. He's cute. He's witty. And he's starting to grow up. And that's exciting. And sad. But mostly exciting.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Tonight is the start of a week on my own. Eight whole days. Just me and my kids. All of us. No other adults, just myself. And the kids. All five of them. For a whole week. Yep.
To be honest, I'm not too worried about it. At least, not now. Ask me how I felt about it a week ago and I'm sure I wouldn't have been so relaxed! I was surprised, stressed, worried, upset, concerned, angry, jealous and down-right not impressed about it! For one, I thought he was going just for the days he wrote on the calendar. Turns out that was just the days he booked off work! He was actually leaving on the Saturday (today), not the Monday! That was a complete surprise. I'll bet my blood pressure was high after I learned that one! I didn't even ask when he was returning; I was too scared to at first!
A whole week!!! It was learned that he was leaving Saturday early morning and not retuning until the next Saturday sometime late!
I admit it, I was filled with jealousy too. When would I get to go away for a week? How come he gets to do that? *sigh*
It wasn't just the length of time he was going that bothered me though, it was the meals I had to deal with as well. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not like cooking. I eat because I have to. Not because I worry about my girlish figure (maybe I should worry more, lol) or that I hate food, it's just that cooking and preparing meals is not on my top List of Things To Do For Fun. Now, there are a lot of foods that I like to eat (pasta, yum!) and many more that I should seriously consider cutting back on (chocolate, sugar...), but cooking as a whole doesn't interest me. Add that on to having a 4 month old who has decided that her favourite time to eat and want to be held is between 3-6pm, and you're looking at a stressed mother! How in the world was I supposed to feed my other children??? As it is now, I try to prepare as much as I can first, but mostly I'm counting down the hours and minutes for my Hunny to come home and make dinner! So my stress level was pretty high.
But I think I've got that figured out. Hunny was nice enough to pick up some quick and easy dinners for me (frozen pizza, yuck, chicken kiev, yum...) and I have my meals all planned out for the week. I'm just going to have to be vigilant in preparing things more in advance, like at lunchtime! I actually did that the first two to three weeks of school, since we were having to pick up Hunny from his work when the kids were out of school, which meant we weren't returning home until around 5pm, when everyone is so hungry they are grabbing quick, unhealthy snacks. (like popping in at Wired Monk for a coffee and treats all around!)
{going back up to two vehicles has many pros and cons.}
This is the first night, and already I'm bored and I'm missing my Hunny. I don't want to go to bed! I don't mind being home alone and I am actually looking forward to having all this time to myself to do things I want to do. I tend to stay up and hang out with him, watching tv shows, just to spend time together. Which is sweet and cheesy and kind of silly. I'm sure his ego can handle it if I decide not to do that for one or two nights! But I have this guilty nag that tells me that I should spend all my time with my Hunny if I want to keep our marriage happy and thriving. (dang old nag!!!) So this week feels open and fun and full of possibility! I can spend my time downstairs being creative in my Stamp Room!!! (or so I like to think...we'll see how Miss Jellybean takes that!)
I've always thought I'd make a terrible Single Parent, and I don't want to minimize the hard work of those who have no choice, nor do I want to make it out to be worse than it is, or offend anyone at all, but it's true! I need my Hunny. I don't know if I'm patient enough or skilled enough or alert enough to care for this many children! The idea scares the heck outta me to even consider what it would be like if I were suddenly thrust into a situation where I HAD to be a single mom. Not just a week. But as from now on. Not because I'm that bad of a mom or that my kids are that troublesome, but because I rely on him so much! He has done so much for me and be such a huge part in the lives of these kids. Saying that sounds silly and you're probably thinking, well, yeah, of course he has, he's their father, your husband! But that doesn't mean anything! I have two friends who have left husbands who were NOT good fathers. The way they were treated wasn't nice at all either, but it was the way the kids were ignored and discarded that made it the hardest. And, to be honest, I felt that I was in that group too, in the beginning. My Hunny was great and meant well and cared deeply for us all, but he wasn't involved. I spent a lot of time grumbling and thinking on how much he needed to change that I didn't see all of what he actually was doing. If I want my marriage to be "happy and thriving", I need to take a good look at the man I married and see him for who he really is. And he is a wonderful blessing to me! I do admit that he's still lacking in the baby care department (I'm sure I can count on one hand how many diapers he's changed over our course of children!) but he is an incredible father to our Clan! And I need him.
This week will be an adventure for all of us! Ask me in a few days how I'm feeling about this, though! Maybe say a few prayers for us.... ;)
To be honest, I'm not too worried about it. At least, not now. Ask me how I felt about it a week ago and I'm sure I wouldn't have been so relaxed! I was surprised, stressed, worried, upset, concerned, angry, jealous and down-right not impressed about it! For one, I thought he was going just for the days he wrote on the calendar. Turns out that was just the days he booked off work! He was actually leaving on the Saturday (today), not the Monday! That was a complete surprise. I'll bet my blood pressure was high after I learned that one! I didn't even ask when he was returning; I was too scared to at first!
A whole week!!! It was learned that he was leaving Saturday early morning and not retuning until the next Saturday sometime late!
I admit it, I was filled with jealousy too. When would I get to go away for a week? How come he gets to do that? *sigh*
It wasn't just the length of time he was going that bothered me though, it was the meals I had to deal with as well. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not like cooking. I eat because I have to. Not because I worry about my girlish figure (maybe I should worry more, lol) or that I hate food, it's just that cooking and preparing meals is not on my top List of Things To Do For Fun. Now, there are a lot of foods that I like to eat (pasta, yum!) and many more that I should seriously consider cutting back on (chocolate, sugar...), but cooking as a whole doesn't interest me. Add that on to having a 4 month old who has decided that her favourite time to eat and want to be held is between 3-6pm, and you're looking at a stressed mother! How in the world was I supposed to feed my other children??? As it is now, I try to prepare as much as I can first, but mostly I'm counting down the hours and minutes for my Hunny to come home and make dinner! So my stress level was pretty high.
But I think I've got that figured out. Hunny was nice enough to pick up some quick and easy dinners for me (frozen pizza, yuck, chicken kiev, yum...) and I have my meals all planned out for the week. I'm just going to have to be vigilant in preparing things more in advance, like at lunchtime! I actually did that the first two to three weeks of school, since we were having to pick up Hunny from his work when the kids were out of school, which meant we weren't returning home until around 5pm, when everyone is so hungry they are grabbing quick, unhealthy snacks. (like popping in at Wired Monk for a coffee and treats all around!)
{going back up to two vehicles has many pros and cons.}
This is the first night, and already I'm bored and I'm missing my Hunny. I don't want to go to bed! I don't mind being home alone and I am actually looking forward to having all this time to myself to do things I want to do. I tend to stay up and hang out with him, watching tv shows, just to spend time together. Which is sweet and cheesy and kind of silly. I'm sure his ego can handle it if I decide not to do that for one or two nights! But I have this guilty nag that tells me that I should spend all my time with my Hunny if I want to keep our marriage happy and thriving. (dang old nag!!!) So this week feels open and fun and full of possibility! I can spend my time downstairs being creative in my Stamp Room!!! (or so I like to think...we'll see how Miss Jellybean takes that!)
I've always thought I'd make a terrible Single Parent, and I don't want to minimize the hard work of those who have no choice, nor do I want to make it out to be worse than it is, or offend anyone at all, but it's true! I need my Hunny. I don't know if I'm patient enough or skilled enough or alert enough to care for this many children! The idea scares the heck outta me to even consider what it would be like if I were suddenly thrust into a situation where I HAD to be a single mom. Not just a week. But as from now on. Not because I'm that bad of a mom or that my kids are that troublesome, but because I rely on him so much! He has done so much for me and be such a huge part in the lives of these kids. Saying that sounds silly and you're probably thinking, well, yeah, of course he has, he's their father, your husband! But that doesn't mean anything! I have two friends who have left husbands who were NOT good fathers. The way they were treated wasn't nice at all either, but it was the way the kids were ignored and discarded that made it the hardest. And, to be honest, I felt that I was in that group too, in the beginning. My Hunny was great and meant well and cared deeply for us all, but he wasn't involved. I spent a lot of time grumbling and thinking on how much he needed to change that I didn't see all of what he actually was doing. If I want my marriage to be "happy and thriving", I need to take a good look at the man I married and see him for who he really is. And he is a wonderful blessing to me! I do admit that he's still lacking in the baby care department (I'm sure I can count on one hand how many diapers he's changed over our course of children!) but he is an incredible father to our Clan! And I need him.
This week will be an adventure for all of us! Ask me in a few days how I'm feeling about this, though! Maybe say a few prayers for us.... ;)
Monday, October 10, 2011
Today I am thankful for family that surround me with love. Children's voices that fill my home. Husbands who cook wonderful dinners. A baby's face that lights up with excitement when she sees me. A God who answers prayers. My life.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Friday, September 16, 2011
SO it's been a while. I have been busy, sorry, with one of the best things that have happened to me! My Baby Jellybean arrived! But let's back track....where did I leave you at??? Oh yes! My OB fired me!!! H'mm...
I was quite distressed and angry and frustrated and scared and shocked that my own OB would decide she no longer needed to see me. So much so that I vented to my Hypertension, Dr M. Yep. I tattled!!! And it felt good! It made me feel even better when my doctor was just as surprised about it. A week passed and when I saw her again, she told me that she wasn't comfortable with me not having an Obstetrician and offered to write a letter to Dr G. My awesome sister was was me and spoke up for me, saying how we had no confidence in Dr G and didn't want to see her! This was true for me and for my family, but I doubt I would've said anything! I would've hummed and hawed about seeing her again and begrudgingly gone back, all the while wishing I could be brave enough to speak the truth. But I don't want to hurt any feelings or make an inconvenience or be troublesome. (somehow I equate being honest with "overbearing") When Dr M confirmed that's what we wanted, I did manage to request that she refer an OB for me. That would mean seeing one at BC Women's, but that was okay. I figured I go there often enough as it is, so why not? It would also mean delivering there too, which was mixed for me. I had no problems with being there and having Baby Jellybean there, but I was concerned about making the drive while being in labor. Would I make it in time? :(
I was referred to Dr G, who actually didn't practice at BCW, (only delivered there) but had an office a few blocks away, and incidentally, was on vacation! So I saw a Dr. R instead! :) She was nice and checked me out, saying I wasn't dilated despite the many contractions I'd been having. (I'd been having CX since the beginning of May, after baby dropped, at 32.5w) My cervix was "closed but soft", not that I could remember what that meant! That was on Monday, June 6th. On Tuesday, I felt baby descend even further and I started having contractions that evening! I couldn't sleep through them because I kept paying attention to them! I was so paranoid about going into labor and making it to the hospital on time. Having an OB in Vancouver meant delivering there! It takes an hour (roughly) to get there! (well, only 25ms with no traffic!) I wondered if I made a right decision in requesting one from Dr M. I had a feeling I would go very swift!
So there I was, counting contractions and timing things and attempting sleep. They were coming every 3 minutes for 5 hours now. But they weren't painful. But they were consistent. So I woke up Hunny at 6am (June 8th) and I called my sister---except she wasn't answering her cell, go figure! We left at 7am anyways, and she met us at the hospital.
Of course, on the drive in, I noticed that the contractions were lessening. I had a bad feeling about that. :( Sure enough, there were no CX picked up on the NST (non-stress test) and I still wasn't dilated, and as soon as an OB came to see me an hour after I arrived, she discharged me. Phooey. We hung out at the hospital anyways. I had to wait on lab results (to check my liver and such for pre-e signs) and I had an appointment with Dr M. But we were really hoping the contractions would start up again. We didn't want to pay for parking ($3.50/1hr $7.50/3hr $15/day) just to return later that night. So we walked for a bit and had lunch (and even a little nap in the Admitting waiting room) but nothing happened. We left by around 2pm. I felt silly. And really really tired.
I should've realized it was False Labor with these signs: *non-painful contractions (they lasted for hours, but there weren't terribly painful) *the ability to eat (Hunny wanted to stop for a coffee on the way to the hospital, and I devoured some Timbits! That totally threw off my diabetes numbers too, teehee!)
*sigh*
(me at 37w)
The appointment with Dr M had me a bit paranoid though. She wanted me to ask Dr G (the new OB) about "timing of delivery", ie; being induced. Apparently thirty-eight weeks is a common time for stillbirth from hypertension and gestational diabetes. Yikes!
That Friday night (June 10) I started getting my intense pelvic pressure again. It was so bad that I'd gasp in pain sometimes! It felt like something pushing on my vag, which sounds slightly stupid because I was pregnant and having contractions (of course I'd feel pressure there!) but this was different. They weren't typical contractions. Just very painful. Intense intense pressure. That started at 7pm, but would stop a bit, then start up again. I'd been having them nightly for a while now, and sometimes I'd be in tears because it was so painful; it made me scared. Forget making it to BCW in time, I'd be having the baby in the loo!!!
At 3am, I woke to them again and freaked myself out that I didn't feel Jellybean moving. So I began to pray, and then she'd stretch and I'd rest again. At 5am, Saturday, June 11th, my 38th week, I got out of bed because the pressure and pain was so bad. It was so bad that I couldn't actually think straight. I paced, but was restless. At 5:15am, I woke up Hunny; I couldn't take it anymore! While he had a shower (which seemed incredibly long!) I tried to call Julie's cell (which was on vibrate, so she didn't hear it, go figure) I could barely leave a message though due to the pain, and couldn't call anyone else. When Hunny came out, he called his mom to come over. I was in tears because I just wanted to go to the hospital; it was all taking too long!
We left at 6am and arrived at 6:30am. Hunny dropped me off at Admitting so he could go find a parking spot, but I didn't think I could even get out of the vehicle and walk! But I did. Of course, the room was empty and I was beside myself. I couldn't talk anyways, really. I couldn't think straight. I could hardly walk. Someone did come though and began asking me dumb questions. My personal favourite was, "What brought you into Admitting today?" I looked at her. "Uhm...labor." "Okay. And are you having contractions... uhm... yeah, okay..." At that point, Hunny came in, which I was grateful for because I didn't have time or patience for this woman anymore! I didn't want to deal with anyone who couldn't get this baby from me! I was seriously in my own little world, albeit a very painful one! Of course, the nurse wants you to give a urine sample, get a hospital gown on and lay in a bed. Meanwhile I'm thinking, 'Woman! Can't you see I'm in labor? I don't have time for this!" I just wanted to be checked and have this baby! Put it this way...it was so painful that I was actually crying out and yelling! I didn't care who heard! I couldn't stop anyways. I had never yelled with the others. Not to say that I labored silently with them (I"m not a Scientologist, lol) but I'm not loud nor do I yell in a regular situation. I tend to hold my breath and groan, I think. This yelling surprised me, but maybe "Involuntarily Screaming" is a better description.
When the nurse finally checked me (and let me remind you the pain was in my vag and perineum area so sitting or even laying down scared me. I wanted to stay where I was and hope for no pain!) I hear her say, "Okay, we are moving you right now!" So much for Admitting and Assessment! I was being wheeled into Labor and Delivery, with the nurse calling ahead that I was "9 or 10cm" and needed a room right away! I was writhing in pain by then and couldn't look at anyone. I actually brought a cloth with me that I had got wet with my water bottle and covered my eyes with. I'm not too sure why (even now) to be honest, and I must've looked pretty silly when I think about it, but it made me feel better. It was cool and I seriously couldn't concentrate or look at anyone!
I had several nurses come in and several doctors and I just didn't care! Even when Julie finally arrived, to be honest, I didn't care about that either! (sorry, Julie!) I wasn't interested in who was around me, I just wanted to know that I was being cared for. Just don't talk to me! I had one thought and goal! I didn't even flinch when a nurse put my IV in, and those are typically painful, (and all through the pregnancy I was really nervous about getting one done during my labor.) or when she messed up and had to do it again! (I was told that my swab came back negative for GBS by Dr. S. But a week later, another doctor said a urine sample said I was positive. So I had to have antibiotics. Phooey. I dreaded the idea for months.) I was pleasantly surprised. And it didn't hurt when a doctor wanted to check my progress either (and that's usually incredibly uncomfortable and painful as well. When you're in labor, you want the baby out of you, not have something put in!)
Of course, a doctor said I was only 8 or 9cm. Pfft! Why do they always ruin things? LOL I was given gas and air though. That helped a bit, but it makes me lightheaded. I was so determined to breathe through my contractions, be in control and calmed, but it didn't go over so well. :( The nurse kept saying "Okay, now deep breath out." I was so focused on breathing IN! I loved my nurse, Shannon. She kept telling me, "Do what you did last time. You can do it. Just like before." It made me feel like I really could do it. I was in so much pain that I couldn't even lay down properly (I wanted no pressure on my bottom) so I was on the edge of the bed, and every time I had another CX, I'd flail my arms about trying to find something to grab a hold of! (the nearest thing was the NST machine with the SHARPS container on top, which Julie thought I'd pull down!) Hunny mistakenly gave me his hand again too. I tried to be conscientious though and not squeeze too hard, but later he said he thought I'd break his fingers! Funny how you don't like you have Super Human Strength! I guess that's what Adrenaline does! I was offered an epidural when a doctor saw me (before the gas/air) and as much pain as I was in, I just didn't think I'd have enough time! Not when I considered that I'd have to wait for the anesthesiologist to arrive and they'd have to prep me still. But I was offered one, which was almost nice!
The biggest problem was that my waters hadn't broken. It was "bulging", I heard a doctor say, which sounds kinda gross. I had such pressure that I was convinced it wasn't helping, so I begged for them to break it! Two doctors were talking (an OB & pediatrician? Two OBs? And OB & GP? An OB and nurse? ?? I don't even know!) about what to do. I wasn't fully dilated yet (which I said, "Why not????" and everyone laughed at. But I was serious! I was desperate!) but I had labored 45ms, should they break the waters or wait? I thought for sure they said they were going to wait for 45 minutes, which freaked me out! I couldn't last another forty-five minutes! But Julie clarified for me that was the time I'd had already labored. I still begged them to break my waters. I thought that if they did maybe the baby would slip right out too!
So they did. And it was a relief of pressure. Phew! But the baby didn't come out. Phooey.
Guess who that OB was? When she came in, she said, "I know you! We just met!" but it took me a moment to recognize her. It was Dr R, the OB I just saw on Monday! She was in hospital scrubs not in office wear, which threw me off. But it made me happy to know who the doctor was. I don't have good luck with doctors, they all tend to leave and miss the birth of my children!
After a while, the doctors were saying how I was fully dilated (yay! about time!) BUT...my cervix wasn't ready. Whatever that meant. I was confused. Also, the baby wasn't low enough. So I was told not to push yet. But I wanted to! Well, not really. I just wanted the baby out! I even said that too, "Get this baby out of me!", something I've never done before! I had such intense pressure from my vag to my bum. Not like I've ever had before. Finally, I did feel like pushing though. So I let Shannon know in my grunt-like words, "Pushing!" Followed a few moments later by, "Burning!" So she had to call for the doctors to return, since they stepped out of the room. (I guess they had other patients to check on) They actually made it on time too! Wow! It felt like she was stuck though, since she didn't come out as easy as the others did. I asked and the doctor said that she wasn't, but I didn't really believe her! They did mention using the vacuum to get her out though, but then suddenly she was! (that was after the doctor told me to PUSH with the next contraction instead of screaming! *blush* I had a hard time with the Involuntarily Screaming, okay? It was painful.) In the end, I did have some tearing, but all was good. She was here.
EDEN SHAYE ALIYA
6lbs 11oz 19.5"
June 11, 2011 8:21am
And that is where I'm going to leave you. :) I'll tell you the rest of the details later.
I was quite distressed and angry and frustrated and scared and shocked that my own OB would decide she no longer needed to see me. So much so that I vented to my Hypertension, Dr M. Yep. I tattled!!! And it felt good! It made me feel even better when my doctor was just as surprised about it. A week passed and when I saw her again, she told me that she wasn't comfortable with me not having an Obstetrician and offered to write a letter to Dr G. My awesome sister was was me and spoke up for me, saying how we had no confidence in Dr G and didn't want to see her! This was true for me and for my family, but I doubt I would've said anything! I would've hummed and hawed about seeing her again and begrudgingly gone back, all the while wishing I could be brave enough to speak the truth. But I don't want to hurt any feelings or make an inconvenience or be troublesome. (somehow I equate being honest with "overbearing") When Dr M confirmed that's what we wanted, I did manage to request that she refer an OB for me. That would mean seeing one at BC Women's, but that was okay. I figured I go there often enough as it is, so why not? It would also mean delivering there too, which was mixed for me. I had no problems with being there and having Baby Jellybean there, but I was concerned about making the drive while being in labor. Would I make it in time? :(
I was referred to Dr G, who actually didn't practice at BCW, (only delivered there) but had an office a few blocks away, and incidentally, was on vacation! So I saw a Dr. R instead! :) She was nice and checked me out, saying I wasn't dilated despite the many contractions I'd been having. (I'd been having CX since the beginning of May, after baby dropped, at 32.5w) My cervix was "closed but soft", not that I could remember what that meant! That was on Monday, June 6th. On Tuesday, I felt baby descend even further and I started having contractions that evening! I couldn't sleep through them because I kept paying attention to them! I was so paranoid about going into labor and making it to the hospital on time. Having an OB in Vancouver meant delivering there! It takes an hour (roughly) to get there! (well, only 25ms with no traffic!) I wondered if I made a right decision in requesting one from Dr M. I had a feeling I would go very swift!
So there I was, counting contractions and timing things and attempting sleep. They were coming every 3 minutes for 5 hours now. But they weren't painful. But they were consistent. So I woke up Hunny at 6am (June 8th) and I called my sister---except she wasn't answering her cell, go figure! We left at 7am anyways, and she met us at the hospital.
Of course, on the drive in, I noticed that the contractions were lessening. I had a bad feeling about that. :( Sure enough, there were no CX picked up on the NST (non-stress test) and I still wasn't dilated, and as soon as an OB came to see me an hour after I arrived, she discharged me. Phooey. We hung out at the hospital anyways. I had to wait on lab results (to check my liver and such for pre-e signs) and I had an appointment with Dr M. But we were really hoping the contractions would start up again. We didn't want to pay for parking ($3.50/1hr $7.50/3hr $15/day) just to return later that night. So we walked for a bit and had lunch (and even a little nap in the Admitting waiting room) but nothing happened. We left by around 2pm. I felt silly. And really really tired.
I should've realized it was False Labor with these signs: *non-painful contractions (they lasted for hours, but there weren't terribly painful) *the ability to eat (Hunny wanted to stop for a coffee on the way to the hospital, and I devoured some Timbits! That totally threw off my diabetes numbers too, teehee!)
*sigh*
(me at 37w)The appointment with Dr M had me a bit paranoid though. She wanted me to ask Dr G (the new OB) about "timing of delivery", ie; being induced. Apparently thirty-eight weeks is a common time for stillbirth from hypertension and gestational diabetes. Yikes!
That Friday night (June 10) I started getting my intense pelvic pressure again. It was so bad that I'd gasp in pain sometimes! It felt like something pushing on my vag, which sounds slightly stupid because I was pregnant and having contractions (of course I'd feel pressure there!) but this was different. They weren't typical contractions. Just very painful. Intense intense pressure. That started at 7pm, but would stop a bit, then start up again. I'd been having them nightly for a while now, and sometimes I'd be in tears because it was so painful; it made me scared. Forget making it to BCW in time, I'd be having the baby in the loo!!!
At 3am, I woke to them again and freaked myself out that I didn't feel Jellybean moving. So I began to pray, and then she'd stretch and I'd rest again. At 5am, Saturday, June 11th, my 38th week, I got out of bed because the pressure and pain was so bad. It was so bad that I couldn't actually think straight. I paced, but was restless. At 5:15am, I woke up Hunny; I couldn't take it anymore! While he had a shower (which seemed incredibly long!) I tried to call Julie's cell (which was on vibrate, so she didn't hear it, go figure) I could barely leave a message though due to the pain, and couldn't call anyone else. When Hunny came out, he called his mom to come over. I was in tears because I just wanted to go to the hospital; it was all taking too long!
We left at 6am and arrived at 6:30am. Hunny dropped me off at Admitting so he could go find a parking spot, but I didn't think I could even get out of the vehicle and walk! But I did. Of course, the room was empty and I was beside myself. I couldn't talk anyways, really. I couldn't think straight. I could hardly walk. Someone did come though and began asking me dumb questions. My personal favourite was, "What brought you into Admitting today?" I looked at her. "Uhm...labor." "Okay. And are you having contractions... uhm... yeah, okay..." At that point, Hunny came in, which I was grateful for because I didn't have time or patience for this woman anymore! I didn't want to deal with anyone who couldn't get this baby from me! I was seriously in my own little world, albeit a very painful one! Of course, the nurse wants you to give a urine sample, get a hospital gown on and lay in a bed. Meanwhile I'm thinking, 'Woman! Can't you see I'm in labor? I don't have time for this!" I just wanted to be checked and have this baby! Put it this way...it was so painful that I was actually crying out and yelling! I didn't care who heard! I couldn't stop anyways. I had never yelled with the others. Not to say that I labored silently with them (I"m not a Scientologist, lol) but I'm not loud nor do I yell in a regular situation. I tend to hold my breath and groan, I think. This yelling surprised me, but maybe "Involuntarily Screaming" is a better description.
When the nurse finally checked me (and let me remind you the pain was in my vag and perineum area so sitting or even laying down scared me. I wanted to stay where I was and hope for no pain!) I hear her say, "Okay, we are moving you right now!" So much for Admitting and Assessment! I was being wheeled into Labor and Delivery, with the nurse calling ahead that I was "9 or 10cm" and needed a room right away! I was writhing in pain by then and couldn't look at anyone. I actually brought a cloth with me that I had got wet with my water bottle and covered my eyes with. I'm not too sure why (even now) to be honest, and I must've looked pretty silly when I think about it, but it made me feel better. It was cool and I seriously couldn't concentrate or look at anyone!
I had several nurses come in and several doctors and I just didn't care! Even when Julie finally arrived, to be honest, I didn't care about that either! (sorry, Julie!) I wasn't interested in who was around me, I just wanted to know that I was being cared for. Just don't talk to me! I had one thought and goal! I didn't even flinch when a nurse put my IV in, and those are typically painful, (and all through the pregnancy I was really nervous about getting one done during my labor.) or when she messed up and had to do it again! (I was told that my swab came back negative for GBS by Dr. S. But a week later, another doctor said a urine sample said I was positive. So I had to have antibiotics. Phooey. I dreaded the idea for months.) I was pleasantly surprised. And it didn't hurt when a doctor wanted to check my progress either (and that's usually incredibly uncomfortable and painful as well. When you're in labor, you want the baby out of you, not have something put in!)
Of course, a doctor said I was only 8 or 9cm. Pfft! Why do they always ruin things? LOL I was given gas and air though. That helped a bit, but it makes me lightheaded. I was so determined to breathe through my contractions, be in control and calmed, but it didn't go over so well. :( The nurse kept saying "Okay, now deep breath out." I was so focused on breathing IN! I loved my nurse, Shannon. She kept telling me, "Do what you did last time. You can do it. Just like before." It made me feel like I really could do it. I was in so much pain that I couldn't even lay down properly (I wanted no pressure on my bottom) so I was on the edge of the bed, and every time I had another CX, I'd flail my arms about trying to find something to grab a hold of! (the nearest thing was the NST machine with the SHARPS container on top, which Julie thought I'd pull down!) Hunny mistakenly gave me his hand again too. I tried to be conscientious though and not squeeze too hard, but later he said he thought I'd break his fingers! Funny how you don't like you have Super Human Strength! I guess that's what Adrenaline does! I was offered an epidural when a doctor saw me (before the gas/air) and as much pain as I was in, I just didn't think I'd have enough time! Not when I considered that I'd have to wait for the anesthesiologist to arrive and they'd have to prep me still. But I was offered one, which was almost nice!
The biggest problem was that my waters hadn't broken. It was "bulging", I heard a doctor say, which sounds kinda gross. I had such pressure that I was convinced it wasn't helping, so I begged for them to break it! Two doctors were talking (an OB & pediatrician? Two OBs? And OB & GP? An OB and nurse? ?? I don't even know!) about what to do. I wasn't fully dilated yet (which I said, "Why not????" and everyone laughed at. But I was serious! I was desperate!) but I had labored 45ms, should they break the waters or wait? I thought for sure they said they were going to wait for 45 minutes, which freaked me out! I couldn't last another forty-five minutes! But Julie clarified for me that was the time I'd had already labored. I still begged them to break my waters. I thought that if they did maybe the baby would slip right out too!
So they did. And it was a relief of pressure. Phew! But the baby didn't come out. Phooey.
Guess who that OB was? When she came in, she said, "I know you! We just met!" but it took me a moment to recognize her. It was Dr R, the OB I just saw on Monday! She was in hospital scrubs not in office wear, which threw me off. But it made me happy to know who the doctor was. I don't have good luck with doctors, they all tend to leave and miss the birth of my children!
After a while, the doctors were saying how I was fully dilated (yay! about time!) BUT...my cervix wasn't ready. Whatever that meant. I was confused. Also, the baby wasn't low enough. So I was told not to push yet. But I wanted to! Well, not really. I just wanted the baby out! I even said that too, "Get this baby out of me!", something I've never done before! I had such intense pressure from my vag to my bum. Not like I've ever had before. Finally, I did feel like pushing though. So I let Shannon know in my grunt-like words, "Pushing!" Followed a few moments later by, "Burning!" So she had to call for the doctors to return, since they stepped out of the room. (I guess they had other patients to check on) They actually made it on time too! Wow! It felt like she was stuck though, since she didn't come out as easy as the others did. I asked and the doctor said that she wasn't, but I didn't really believe her! They did mention using the vacuum to get her out though, but then suddenly she was! (that was after the doctor told me to PUSH with the next contraction instead of screaming! *blush* I had a hard time with the Involuntarily Screaming, okay? It was painful.) In the end, I did have some tearing, but all was good. She was here.
EDEN SHAYE ALIYA
6lbs 11oz 19.5"
June 11, 2011 8:21am
And that is where I'm going to leave you. :) I'll tell you the rest of the details later.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Hokey Dinah!!!
(yes, I actually say dumb things like that! *giggle*)
I came across this song and fell in love last night.
And then I heard this one....and WOW. Amazing. And to think it's all done just using what you see in the video. I've often heard these sounds in songs and wondered how they were done...
And, yes, these are the same guys who did Love Story meets Viva la Vida. Steven Sharp Nelson on cello (all 4 of them. seriously! I never knew there was an electric cello!!!!) and Jon Schmidt on piano.
I am in love. And it's a jealous love. I wish I were musically talented enough to play an instrument. I'd like to blame my non-instrument playing on my parents because they never put me in for piano lessons or let me learn to play the violin like I wanted (life is so rough, I know)...but the truth is that it just wasn't an option for me as a child. But what's stopping me now? I can't STILL blame them, can I? Dang! LOL :)
Do you think it's hard to learn to play cello as a 30-something year old woman? How about piano? I sucked at recorder in grade 7 and couldn't learn to read music notes to save my life....do you think that would be an issue now?
I could watch these videos over and over again. I'm manic that way. ...oh wait, I have!
(yes, I actually say dumb things like that! *giggle*)
I came across this song and fell in love last night.
And then I heard this one....and WOW. Amazing. And to think it's all done just using what you see in the video. I've often heard these sounds in songs and wondered how they were done...
And, yes, these are the same guys who did Love Story meets Viva la Vida. Steven Sharp Nelson on cello (all 4 of them. seriously! I never knew there was an electric cello!!!!) and Jon Schmidt on piano.
I am in love. And it's a jealous love. I wish I were musically talented enough to play an instrument. I'd like to blame my non-instrument playing on my parents because they never put me in for piano lessons or let me learn to play the violin like I wanted (life is so rough, I know)...but the truth is that it just wasn't an option for me as a child. But what's stopping me now? I can't STILL blame them, can I? Dang! LOL :)
Do you think it's hard to learn to play cello as a 30-something year old woman? How about piano? I sucked at recorder in grade 7 and couldn't learn to read music notes to save my life....do you think that would be an issue now?
I could watch these videos over and over again. I'm manic that way. ...oh wait, I have!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I haven't heard this song in a while, and then suddenly one of our worship leaders in church brings it out and tears flow. Such a simple song of deep longing, of truths spilled, and frailness revealed.
Renew the fire again.
Pardon my transgressions.
Help me love you again.
Lord Have Mercy- Steve Merkel
Jesus, I've forgotten the words that You have spoken
Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim
With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom
Forgive me for my unbelief
Renew the fire again
Chorus
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me
Repeat
I have built an altar where I worship things of men
I have taken journeys that have drawn me far from You
Now I am returning to Your mercies ever flowing
Pardon my transgressions
Help me love You again
Repeat Chorus
I have longed to know You and Your tender mercies
Like a river of forgiveness ever flowing without end
I bow my heart before You in the goodness of Your presence
Your grace forever shining
Like a beacon in the night
Repeat Chorus 2x
(italics mine)
This song is by Michael W. Smith and is on his live Worship Again CD, the blue one (my fave version of the song)
Renew the fire again.
Pardon my transgressions.
Help me love you again.
Lord Have Mercy- Steve Merkel
Jesus, I've forgotten the words that You have spoken
Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim
With a doubting heart I follow the paths of earthly wisdom
Forgive me for my unbelief
Renew the fire again
Chorus
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me
Repeat
I have built an altar where I worship things of men
I have taken journeys that have drawn me far from You
Now I am returning to Your mercies ever flowing
Pardon my transgressions
Help me love You again
Repeat Chorus
I have longed to know You and Your tender mercies
Like a river of forgiveness ever flowing without end
I bow my heart before You in the goodness of Your presence
Your grace forever shining
Like a beacon in the night
Repeat Chorus 2x
(italics mine)
This song is by Michael W. Smith and is on his live Worship Again CD, the blue one (my fave version of the song)
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