Monday, October 27, 2008
Sorry I've been so MIA lately, but things are really crazy here and I am going through another bout of wondering what my body is doing. I understand being tired, really I do, but this is ridiculous! Sure, I've got a baby and I'm up several times in the night for that plus the other kids (who occasionally still wake up after bad dreams, wanting something to drink, just for no good reason…) but still…. I am not JUST tired. I am EXHAUSTED. But not just that. I'm not JUST Exhausted, I am..what's a word stronger than Exhausted? *sigh* Let's put it this way: I don't think I"m a SAFE Mom anymore. And that scares me.
Typically, my day goes like this: alarm goes off at 7am. I don't manage to REALLY notice it enough to actually get out of bed until 7:30am (and no, I can't change the alarm to 6:30am to get myself out of bed earlier b/c I KNOW I have an extra 1/2 hour now and will waste that too in bed! I know me!) I race the kids to get ready, dressed, fed and all that (plus myself) and out the door by 8am to make it to school by 8:40am, when school begins. Then I head back home. That's when it hits my body how tired I am and I literally struggle to keep my eyes open, so I don't fall asleep driving home. (I've opened my window, closed my window, turned on/off the music, I've shaken my head… whatever I can think of to keep me awake) On the wonderful days that Kai is in school, I will bundle up Bryn and Rhys by 11am and we will climb into bed for a nap. I have my alarm set for 1:30pm, so we can leave at 2pm to go pick up the kids. When Kai is home, I go on the computer for a bit, and try to keep myself busy. If I'm desperate and just CAN NOT go on, I will actually climb back into bed with Rhys and nap for a bit. And when I say "nap" I'm talking a good 1-2 hours.
So yeah, I am not what I would consider SAFE anymore. But what can I do???? I am taking my thyroid meds and I'm even taking extra Iron pills. In fact, Jonathan suggested I double the iron dose. Of course, I'm at the end of the bottle and I've felt NO CHANGE. I've gotten so USED to this though that it almost (ALMOST) doesn't even bother me anymore. If I need to sleep, I don't try to force myself not to, I just do it. The problem with that lies in the obvious: who's watching the kids if I'm sleeping? Not only are the boys destroying my house (toys everywhere and almost every wall is coloured on, grr) but who knows what could happen? I hear them fighting, but don't have the energy to get up to sort it out. They could easily hurt eachother, break a limb, start a fire, be seriously injured, go wandering outside….all because I have ZERO energy to do anything. And it's not that I'm lazy either or going through a severe depression, it's just… I can't even explain it.
I went to go visit my Mom a few weeks back. She lives about an hour drive away. By the time I got to Abbotsford I was doing my head shake to keep myself alert. Here I am driving down the freeway, doing 130 kph, and my eyes are fighting me to stay open! I was trying to get there as fast as I could and I still had a good 15-20 minutes to go! When I arrive, I am fighting exhaustion, but trying to be a good visitor and chat with my Mom, but within 20 minutes, I'm asleep on her couch! When I wake up, three hours have gone by and I feel terrible. I didn't go there so I could nap and Mom could entertain my children (even though she and they like that), so I'm feeling guilty! It's 6pm and dinner has been eaten, but I manage to sit down for seconds with everyone. ONE HOUR LATER…. and I can already feel it in my body that I am WAAAAY too tired to even attempt to drive. My breathing slows down and I have "trouble" breathing which is not related to my asthma but due to just being too tired. My legs feel achey and like jelly. My eyes are going half-mast and blurry. So we end up having to spend the night! I know that Mom welcomed us and put the children and I up perfectly fine for the night, but still… it wasn't planned by any of us and it was a strange night, so I felt out of sorts and like I was being rude. We managed to get the kids into bed and then Mom and I stayed up until 11pm chatting (which was SO nice to do again. I LOVE talking with her. She's so smart and always knows the right thing to say, and how to just listen. It reminded me of all the times as a teenager when I'd come into her room and just chat with her before she went to bed. My Mom is the BEST! She always let me do this without complaining) I didn't sleep the best, but I still managed to stay in bed until 11am the next morning. 12 freaking hours!!! (again, my mom is the best!) I felt SOO guilty, but Mom never mentioned anything other than to say that I obviously needed it. Within 2 hours, the kids and I are packed up and on our way home. An hour later and I"m so ready to crawl back into bed for another good 3 hours.
What is wrong with me??????? While I may not be depressed, per se, this whole sleeping issue is making me feel depressed! I just don't feel there's a solution either. I mean, I can't not take the kids to school, I have to drive and get up. Jonathan can't take them to school either, he can't just not go into work or work less hours either to accommodate me. But this HAS to be figured out soon. I can't spend the proper time with my children. I'm not spending time with them at all!!! I can't do much household chores (on a good day I'll keep myself busy enough to do some laundry or I will do some rush cleaning as I'm cooking dinner) I'm not cooking proper meals b/c I'd rather sleep, so I'll use Drive-Thru as we go pick up the kids from school. I was supposed to get my bloodwork done on my thyroid and iron levels checked on Friday, but I was just too tired to go.
I just don't know what to do. And I know that Jonathan is lost. I worry that he thinks it's just laziness, even though he says he is worried for me and knows that I'm exhausted. But does he Really Understand? I feel so torn too… I want him to drop everything and pick up the slack I've left on the kids and do all the errands for me so I can get the sleep I need, but I am reminded of just how much work his IS doing for the family. He's working TWO jobs right now, working on establishing a business. So it's not like I can ask or expect him to be able to drop anything. I know his limitations and I do not doubt his love for me. But I struggle with this.
I had a wonderful conversation with a friend who is actually going through the exact same things and she is so great to chat with. She makes me feel sane at least! She Understands the sheer exhaustion, the 'depression' (for lack of a better word. This depression is different than the depression where you feel Down for no reason. This Has a reason; it's called Exhaustion), the struggle… I am blessed by her friendship. She's looking into iron absorbtion right now and wonders if maybe I have problem with absorbing it as well. She's on two iron suppliments plus a B-12 shot and after 8 weeks, she's starting to feel a bit of a difference. Funny how both of us were told that as soon as we started Iron pills, we'd feel ALIVE and have all this energy!!!! LIES!!! That's great…. if your body only needs that much. What if it needs MORE than what the pills can give? Or something else? I don't even know if anything will come up on my blood test. I'm so nervous that it will come back "normal", just like it has every other time in my life that I struggled with being so exhausted. What am I supposed to do?
I have so many hopes and dreams for me as a mother and wife, and I feel like I can't do a thing! :( So the past few weeks have been just me dealing with this. I've been too tired to come on here and I've not known what to say or how to say it or if I even should. I hate complaining. Especially when I don't have any answers to give, no solutions. I'm disclosing myself to people who don't know me and I'm nervous! Something is wrong and something needs to be changed. But what and how???
Typically, my day goes like this: alarm goes off at 7am. I don't manage to REALLY notice it enough to actually get out of bed until 7:30am (and no, I can't change the alarm to 6:30am to get myself out of bed earlier b/c I KNOW I have an extra 1/2 hour now and will waste that too in bed! I know me!) I race the kids to get ready, dressed, fed and all that (plus myself) and out the door by 8am to make it to school by 8:40am, when school begins. Then I head back home. That's when it hits my body how tired I am and I literally struggle to keep my eyes open, so I don't fall asleep driving home. (I've opened my window, closed my window, turned on/off the music, I've shaken my head… whatever I can think of to keep me awake) On the wonderful days that Kai is in school, I will bundle up Bryn and Rhys by 11am and we will climb into bed for a nap. I have my alarm set for 1:30pm, so we can leave at 2pm to go pick up the kids. When Kai is home, I go on the computer for a bit, and try to keep myself busy. If I'm desperate and just CAN NOT go on, I will actually climb back into bed with Rhys and nap for a bit. And when I say "nap" I'm talking a good 1-2 hours.
So yeah, I am not what I would consider SAFE anymore. But what can I do???? I am taking my thyroid meds and I'm even taking extra Iron pills. In fact, Jonathan suggested I double the iron dose. Of course, I'm at the end of the bottle and I've felt NO CHANGE. I've gotten so USED to this though that it almost (ALMOST) doesn't even bother me anymore. If I need to sleep, I don't try to force myself not to, I just do it. The problem with that lies in the obvious: who's watching the kids if I'm sleeping? Not only are the boys destroying my house (toys everywhere and almost every wall is coloured on, grr) but who knows what could happen? I hear them fighting, but don't have the energy to get up to sort it out. They could easily hurt eachother, break a limb, start a fire, be seriously injured, go wandering outside….all because I have ZERO energy to do anything. And it's not that I'm lazy either or going through a severe depression, it's just… I can't even explain it.
I went to go visit my Mom a few weeks back. She lives about an hour drive away. By the time I got to Abbotsford I was doing my head shake to keep myself alert. Here I am driving down the freeway, doing 130 kph, and my eyes are fighting me to stay open! I was trying to get there as fast as I could and I still had a good 15-20 minutes to go! When I arrive, I am fighting exhaustion, but trying to be a good visitor and chat with my Mom, but within 20 minutes, I'm asleep on her couch! When I wake up, three hours have gone by and I feel terrible. I didn't go there so I could nap and Mom could entertain my children (even though she and they like that), so I'm feeling guilty! It's 6pm and dinner has been eaten, but I manage to sit down for seconds with everyone. ONE HOUR LATER…. and I can already feel it in my body that I am WAAAAY too tired to even attempt to drive. My breathing slows down and I have "trouble" breathing which is not related to my asthma but due to just being too tired. My legs feel achey and like jelly. My eyes are going half-mast and blurry. So we end up having to spend the night! I know that Mom welcomed us and put the children and I up perfectly fine for the night, but still… it wasn't planned by any of us and it was a strange night, so I felt out of sorts and like I was being rude. We managed to get the kids into bed and then Mom and I stayed up until 11pm chatting (which was SO nice to do again. I LOVE talking with her. She's so smart and always knows the right thing to say, and how to just listen. It reminded me of all the times as a teenager when I'd come into her room and just chat with her before she went to bed. My Mom is the BEST! She always let me do this without complaining) I didn't sleep the best, but I still managed to stay in bed until 11am the next morning. 12 freaking hours!!! (again, my mom is the best!) I felt SOO guilty, but Mom never mentioned anything other than to say that I obviously needed it. Within 2 hours, the kids and I are packed up and on our way home. An hour later and I"m so ready to crawl back into bed for another good 3 hours.
What is wrong with me??????? While I may not be depressed, per se, this whole sleeping issue is making me feel depressed! I just don't feel there's a solution either. I mean, I can't not take the kids to school, I have to drive and get up. Jonathan can't take them to school either, he can't just not go into work or work less hours either to accommodate me. But this HAS to be figured out soon. I can't spend the proper time with my children. I'm not spending time with them at all!!! I can't do much household chores (on a good day I'll keep myself busy enough to do some laundry or I will do some rush cleaning as I'm cooking dinner) I'm not cooking proper meals b/c I'd rather sleep, so I'll use Drive-Thru as we go pick up the kids from school. I was supposed to get my bloodwork done on my thyroid and iron levels checked on Friday, but I was just too tired to go.
I just don't know what to do. And I know that Jonathan is lost. I worry that he thinks it's just laziness, even though he says he is worried for me and knows that I'm exhausted. But does he Really Understand? I feel so torn too… I want him to drop everything and pick up the slack I've left on the kids and do all the errands for me so I can get the sleep I need, but I am reminded of just how much work his IS doing for the family. He's working TWO jobs right now, working on establishing a business. So it's not like I can ask or expect him to be able to drop anything. I know his limitations and I do not doubt his love for me. But I struggle with this.
I had a wonderful conversation with a friend who is actually going through the exact same things and she is so great to chat with. She makes me feel sane at least! She Understands the sheer exhaustion, the 'depression' (for lack of a better word. This depression is different than the depression where you feel Down for no reason. This Has a reason; it's called Exhaustion), the struggle… I am blessed by her friendship. She's looking into iron absorbtion right now and wonders if maybe I have problem with absorbing it as well. She's on two iron suppliments plus a B-12 shot and after 8 weeks, she's starting to feel a bit of a difference. Funny how both of us were told that as soon as we started Iron pills, we'd feel ALIVE and have all this energy!!!! LIES!!! That's great…. if your body only needs that much. What if it needs MORE than what the pills can give? Or something else? I don't even know if anything will come up on my blood test. I'm so nervous that it will come back "normal", just like it has every other time in my life that I struggled with being so exhausted. What am I supposed to do?
I have so many hopes and dreams for me as a mother and wife, and I feel like I can't do a thing! :( So the past few weeks have been just me dealing with this. I've been too tired to come on here and I've not known what to say or how to say it or if I even should. I hate complaining. Especially when I don't have any answers to give, no solutions. I'm disclosing myself to people who don't know me and I'm nervous! Something is wrong and something needs to be changed. But what and how???
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