*untitled*

broken.

lost.

confused.

flustered.

lonely.

failing.

powerless.

unfocused.

sorrowful.

guilty.

lied to.

stuck.

afraid.

pent up.

depressed.

Depression……

Is it "evil spirits"? "Mental imbalance"? "Demonic"? It is an oft misunderstood issue. Can you be "cured" by just having Faith? Exercising? (does anyone remember Tom Cruise's rant on PPD? Oh, don't even get me started….) Laughing more? Is it a mind-over-matter thing? If I Really Believed, would I be healed? Is this because of lack of True faith? Do I not believe He has the power?

I know that my relationship falters during this, but my faith is intact. Do I believe in Him? Yes. Whole heartedly. Do I believe in His power to heal and do miracles? Yes. My faith isn't the issue. Or is it? Do I Really believe He'll heal me? Donno. I know He can, I do not doubt. But what if it isn't a part of His plan for me? Maybe this is my trial. My "thorn in the flesh".

Maybe if it's more than just about faith. My belief isn't the issue, it's my relationship. I can't focus. I can't pray. I can't think. I try; I really do. But nothing. I feel nothing.

So it is mental; a chemical imbalance? Medical proof shows that is real. So if I take my meds all should be fine, right? So why aren't they? How do I get to the point where I no longer need meds?

Am I a mixture of being mentally imbalanced and also having to fight Demons? Are they connected? How do I possibly win? Where do I start?

"There is no fear in love, for perfect love casts out fear" ~i John 4:18
"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." ~Galatians 5:19-23

Am I without love? Do I lack the Spirit? What is this affliction? Why do I have fear? Where is my Joy, my peace and love and patience?

I just finished reading a wonderful book called "Prison to Praise" by Merlin Carothers about this man who started his early army career doing prison time and ended up becoming a chaplain for the army. In it, he talks about how God lead him to understand the whole "Give Praise in EVERY circumstance". I was really challenged by it. Well, at first I wasn't. I wasn't hard to thank God for things I thought were "tough"…like my strong-willed child, and my screwed up thyroid. But then along came today.

How do I thank Him for THIS???? "Thanks for my mental illness." ???? I feel like I'm mocking or being sarcastic. "thanks that I feel like crap? Thanks that I feel like stone? Thanks that I want to run away?" ???

Thank-you, Father, that I am exactly where you want me to be. Even though I have depression and I feel laden down with no joy and feel like a failure to my children, thank-you. Because I know that even though things are not wonderful, you are still here and you are still caring for me and you are still my God and you are guiding me. Thank-you that I am where you want me to be. Exactly where. THAT is what I am thankful for. I don't know how to be thankful for being depressed and having my emotions out of control and all those other things I stated, but I am trying.

I don't understand depression. I definitely don't understand my body. It lacks the correct chemicals (what is that word for the happy feelings, Julie?) And I allow myself to be lied to on how terrible *I* am because of it. I just want to be able to be In Control again…but maybe I'm not supposed to be. *sigh* It doesn't make sense. Where do I hold back? What do I need to do to take the responsiblity and control I need?

Right now I just feel bogged down and I can't think straight.