Thursday, July 23, 2009
Over three weeks ago, I stopped taking my antidepressant, Ciprelex. Cold turkey. Just like that. Out of the blue. I didn't intend to end it like so, although I was considering weaning myself off. The new doctor I am seeing made a comment about how my perscription was a bit on the "high side", which surpised me as a friend of mine said it was very low (in comparison to her...but we are on different meds, so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it), so I was expecting him to adjust it to a new level.
If you recall my post here, where I was so stressed...no, that word doesn't cut it. I was so discouraged and exhausted and ill, that I couldn't do anything. I had a friend call me to see how I was doing, and I couldn't answer. Instead, I just started to cry (although I tried my best to pretend I wasn't.) That's how rough it was... not even two weeks ago. My exhaustion was what brought me to this new doctor. My good friend, Jenny, was the one who kept badgering me about seeing my doctor or trying out a new one; she's the one who dragged me (rather willingly, though!) into his office! She knew something was wrong, but like everyone else, didn't know what to do or suggest. She said this guy would get something done. And she was right! He sent me for more bloodwork and discovered that my thyroid was Under Treated. Go figure.
I just had my bloodwork done 3 weeks prior and my own doctor didn't even call me with the results! I was slightly upset about that! I mean, they have No idea just how this effects me; how the thyroid effects everyone. I'm determined that it is just as important as ..as well, everything else! Your thyroid helps regulate hormones...and I'll tell ya, mine goes all over the place!
I was exhausted, pure intensely exhausted. I couldn't accomplish a THING it seemed. I would sleep in until 10am, then feel the pressure to sleep again by 1pm. My life was anything BUT a life.
And the depression would come in waves. I would be fine, then I'd start to feel it creeping up, and then, BAM! without warning, I would feel incredibly DOWN and weak and want to cry over everything. And I'm not talking about just "that time of the month" where many (no, not all) women get teary and emotional or just...BLAH-feeling at the approach of their menstrual cycle. This was so deep that I'd feel like curling up in a ball and either sleep or die. Sometimes it would get so deep that I would feel like dying. I'd think of slitting my wrists in the bathtub...or taking too many tylenol...not to die, but to FEEL. And that's the truth. A lot of people who attempt (or even succeed) suicide don't necessarily want to die, they just want the pain, loneliness, emptiness and achiness inside them to be seen. It's hard to have people take you serious when it's not something they can physically see or understand. I remember sitting in the bathtub while it filled with hot water, and thinking, I needed it hotter and I wanted it to burn me. And then I pictured going to the hospital from my burns and having the doctor see, my family see, and they'd know that I needed help. This was more than "just tired" or "needing an hour to myself". It was when I started to think that that I realized just what was going on in my head. This wasn't good! This wasn't right! That's when I went to my doctor again and told her of my need for antidepressants again.
I remember feeling the sudden deep depth one evening in May. I just wanted to be alone, and I couldn't get alone in my house (of course!) And with my kids running around and my Hunny elsewhere, I penned this:
Confusion
Please don't talk to me
my heart is aching.
Don't say a word
I already feel the weight.
I want to die.
Please hold me.
I'm scared.
I want to be alone.
Please let it end.
I want to hide away.
LAW. May 9/09
The fact that I can be overwhelmed so suddenly is unnerving to me. So I assumed I needed to be on these pills...for a long long time. So it was surprising to me that hear my friend tell the doctor that these weren't helping! Really? My antidepressant wasn't the right one? I should change it or get a new dose? What are you talking about? Maybe this is just the way life is supposed to be for me! Maybe my mental illness goes deeper than just some antidepressants.
But I went off them just. like. that.
It wasn't a test or leap of faith or even me "taking charge" or getting fed up. It was a simple thing of running out of them! First, I forgot to take them for two days in a row (Big Oops..by Day Three, I could really tell that I was missing it) and then I ran out and forgot to call in the Rx for a refill. Then I saw my refill script from my old doctor that I hadn't filled yet....but I got rid of it! (I think so! I must've since I can't find it but I remember thinking of throwing it out!) After all, I had a new doctor, and I'd discuss with him what my Game Plan should be.
However, I didn't see new said handsome-with-an-South African-accent doctor for another week! Could I hold out?
Sure I could! I went a whole week with my meds! And no side effect. ...And, yes, I was going through a really tough time with exhaustion, but that wasn't brought on by my quitting but the opposite way around. I was SO completely & utterly exhausted and felt so depressed b/c I couldn't seem to get enough snoozes. My depression didn't make me sleepy. I can tell the difference!
I went in telling myself to get another Rx for Ciprelex and to discuss our plans re: that, but that didn't turn out as to be expected. Instead, he noted that I had stopped in my file, a-hum'ing to himself (except that I could hear it too!) He asked if I was okay, and I said that I thought so. Then he asked if I thought I needed to go back on them. H'mm... I don't think so, I replied. I mean, I'd rather not if I didn't have to.
And so I'm not. And things are surprisingly okay! My moods still swing, but for the most part, I don't FEEL depressed!!! What's up with THAT???
So we'll see how things go. If I need to go back on them, the door is still open. I don't feel stigmatized. I don't feel embarrassed (although I don't go advertising my health issues to people anyways, just complete strangers on the internet, lol) I've realized that normal people do this. It's a sad reality, but it's a reality. I'm not alone. This is not the end-all of things. This is just another way to help issues. So, if it comes back to it, I'm okay with that. Maybe my brain isn't ready for this yet. But so far, things are going well. And I am so pleased with myself!
If you recall my post here, where I was so stressed...no, that word doesn't cut it. I was so discouraged and exhausted and ill, that I couldn't do anything. I had a friend call me to see how I was doing, and I couldn't answer. Instead, I just started to cry (although I tried my best to pretend I wasn't.) That's how rough it was... not even two weeks ago. My exhaustion was what brought me to this new doctor. My good friend, Jenny, was the one who kept badgering me about seeing my doctor or trying out a new one; she's the one who dragged me (rather willingly, though!) into his office! She knew something was wrong, but like everyone else, didn't know what to do or suggest. She said this guy would get something done. And she was right! He sent me for more bloodwork and discovered that my thyroid was Under Treated. Go figure.
I just had my bloodwork done 3 weeks prior and my own doctor didn't even call me with the results! I was slightly upset about that! I mean, they have No idea just how this effects me; how the thyroid effects everyone. I'm determined that it is just as important as ..as well, everything else! Your thyroid helps regulate hormones...and I'll tell ya, mine goes all over the place!
I was exhausted, pure intensely exhausted. I couldn't accomplish a THING it seemed. I would sleep in until 10am, then feel the pressure to sleep again by 1pm. My life was anything BUT a life.
And the depression would come in waves. I would be fine, then I'd start to feel it creeping up, and then, BAM! without warning, I would feel incredibly DOWN and weak and want to cry over everything. And I'm not talking about just "that time of the month" where many (no, not all) women get teary and emotional or just...BLAH-feeling at the approach of their menstrual cycle. This was so deep that I'd feel like curling up in a ball and either sleep or die. Sometimes it would get so deep that I would feel like dying. I'd think of slitting my wrists in the bathtub...or taking too many tylenol...not to die, but to FEEL. And that's the truth. A lot of people who attempt (or even succeed) suicide don't necessarily want to die, they just want the pain, loneliness, emptiness and achiness inside them to be seen. It's hard to have people take you serious when it's not something they can physically see or understand. I remember sitting in the bathtub while it filled with hot water, and thinking, I needed it hotter and I wanted it to burn me. And then I pictured going to the hospital from my burns and having the doctor see, my family see, and they'd know that I needed help. This was more than "just tired" or "needing an hour to myself". It was when I started to think that that I realized just what was going on in my head. This wasn't good! This wasn't right! That's when I went to my doctor again and told her of my need for antidepressants again.
I remember feeling the sudden deep depth one evening in May. I just wanted to be alone, and I couldn't get alone in my house (of course!) And with my kids running around and my Hunny elsewhere, I penned this:
Confusion
Please don't talk to me
my heart is aching.
Don't say a word
I already feel the weight.
I want to die.
Please hold me.
I'm scared.
I want to be alone.
Please let it end.
I want to hide away.
LAW. May 9/09
The fact that I can be overwhelmed so suddenly is unnerving to me. So I assumed I needed to be on these pills...for a long long time. So it was surprising to me that hear my friend tell the doctor that these weren't helping! Really? My antidepressant wasn't the right one? I should change it or get a new dose? What are you talking about? Maybe this is just the way life is supposed to be for me! Maybe my mental illness goes deeper than just some antidepressants.
But I went off them just. like. that.
It wasn't a test or leap of faith or even me "taking charge" or getting fed up. It was a simple thing of running out of them! First, I forgot to take them for two days in a row (Big Oops..by Day Three, I could really tell that I was missing it) and then I ran out and forgot to call in the Rx for a refill. Then I saw my refill script from my old doctor that I hadn't filled yet....but I got rid of it! (I think so! I must've since I can't find it but I remember thinking of throwing it out!) After all, I had a new doctor, and I'd discuss with him what my Game Plan should be.
However, I didn't see new said handsome-with-an-South African-accent doctor for another week! Could I hold out?
Sure I could! I went a whole week with my meds! And no side effect. ...And, yes, I was going through a really tough time with exhaustion, but that wasn't brought on by my quitting but the opposite way around. I was SO completely & utterly exhausted and felt so depressed b/c I couldn't seem to get enough snoozes. My depression didn't make me sleepy. I can tell the difference!
I went in telling myself to get another Rx for Ciprelex and to discuss our plans re: that, but that didn't turn out as to be expected. Instead, he noted that I had stopped in my file, a-hum'ing to himself (except that I could hear it too!) He asked if I was okay, and I said that I thought so. Then he asked if I thought I needed to go back on them. H'mm... I don't think so, I replied. I mean, I'd rather not if I didn't have to.
And so I'm not. And things are surprisingly okay! My moods still swing, but for the most part, I don't FEEL depressed!!! What's up with THAT???
So we'll see how things go. If I need to go back on them, the door is still open. I don't feel stigmatized. I don't feel embarrassed (although I don't go advertising my health issues to people anyways, just complete strangers on the internet, lol) I've realized that normal people do this. It's a sad reality, but it's a reality. I'm not alone. This is not the end-all of things. This is just another way to help issues. So, if it comes back to it, I'm okay with that. Maybe my brain isn't ready for this yet. But so far, things are going well. And I am so pleased with myself!
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