six years ago...

Strange to think of, but Six Years Ago, I was laying in a hospital bed, trying to deal with incredible back pain, while my sister and my husband both read "the Hobbit" to pass time!!!!! LOL I was in labor—but not in labor. Things obviously weren't progressing much in way of contractions coming closer together, but the pain was getting intense. My back was in SO Much Pain, that by one in the morning, I had finally caved in and asked for some Demerol!!! I wasn't planning to use that pain control option as I heard how it made my friend puke and my Mom spacey, but well, I was feeling desperate! Baby was "sunny side up" and we didn't know!!! So at this time (almost 11pm) I had already sent my sister home for some sleep, and was about to send Jonathan home as well since we were all so exhausted! Man, being in constant pain and being TOTALLY out of it and in a drug haze all alone is NOT something I would recommend to anyone!!!! (it was supposed to help me sleep…..it didn't)

Strange to think that this all happened Six Years Ago. Stranger how this is all coming back to me stronger tonight than any other year. But as we prepare to celebrate Abi's Sixth birthday tomorrow, I am remembering the whole process and her arrival and just how wonderful it was in the end. Totally worth it! ;) (at least, enough to make me want to do it all over again, several times, lol. Isn't it neat and wonderful and totally smart of God to create us women to be that way? To desire to go through the whole painful process for another child, to think that it was worth it in the end, to believe that the pain wasn't "that bad afterall" LOL)

Abi still delights me. I am constantly telling her about how much we wanted her, how I prayed and prayed for her to come, and how God blessed us with her at just the perfect moment, and how special she is to us. She is becoming immune to it now, and just smiles and says things like, "I know!" hahaha. Good to know that she's confident in herself and her position in our family! I just want to make sure she doesn't wonder, doesn't feel left out, or starts to question her being. I don't know how to make a child self confident or how to make them feel strong. I don't know if it is something that can be taught or something that is just passed down in our genes, but I've noticed that my mom and I both have a sense of self conciousness and low self esteem. My sister has that a bit too. Now, of course there are times where we've all been strong and felt powerful in ourselves, our beings, our talents…but for the most I'm noticing that my selfworth isn't as high as it 'should' be. And it makes me wonder why that is. It certainly can't be blamed on my parents! My mom did everything she could to show me love! I have a lot of happy childhood memories! (or course, there are the bad ones too, the sad ones, the ones where your parents didn't get you that pony or take you for piano lessons, lol) So where does it come from? Is it something we decide on our own? Or something that is passed down in genetics? Or something altogether different? I am trying to instill in Abi a sense of not only, Being, but in knowing that she is Special to us, her family, and to God. That no matter what she does, she is important to us all. Maybe that's all I can do. Maybe the rest is up to her. I don't know. But I do know that if I could, I'd hold her all day and cuddle her and remind her! :) (funny how I want to hold her all the time NOW, yet six years ago, sortof, I was so stressed out b/c all SHE wanted was that and all I wanted was some time free to myself! LOL)

Six years ago, Abigail 'tHart entered this world, a total blessing, miracle and gift from God. I asked and asked, (actually more like begged and pleaded and cried) for an Abi, and He sent her. (so be careful what you wish for, hahaha!) I am so lucky!