30 Thoughts

So the time has come…. I turned the BIG 3-OH!!! Wow! It's funny though… when you're growing up, you think that 30 is "SOOOO OLD", but as you approach it yourself you realize it's not as old as you remember! LOL I look at my friends and think, h'mm… not too bad! But then it came time for ME to become it, and that's different. I'm not "against" being 30 (if I actually Could be!) it's just hard to imagine. Thirty. Me. Wow. When Jonathan turned 30 last year I was so excited! Yeah, that sounds strange, I know; he was just as confused! ;) But it made me excited to realize that we were both getting older and we were together and we were going to age together and the romantic in me got giddy! I liked seeing that some of his chest hair was turning grey! :) But now here I am…. looking in the mirror every day and wondering with a bit of fear "is my hair grey? should I colour it? eek!" LOL Funny. Strange. Curious.

I have nothing to be upset about. I'm where I wanted to be. I always planned, hoped, dreamed (sometimes they're all the same thing!) that I'd be married with 3 children by the time I was 30. And I am. I am surrounded by all I wanted. God has blessed me and I am one lucky girl! I have a wonderful family, great husband and children, supportive parents, loving siblings…

But seeing "30" written on my cards still makes me shudder and want to scream, "NOOOOOO! That's not right!"

I think I need to figure out what the heck is wrong! My mind makes no sense!

I've been told that "30 is the New 20" LOL Really? My friend was talking to me about her birthday three weeks before mine, and how it was a BIG one for her. She only turned 27, but that was "hard" for her b/c now she was in the "late 20's". I can empathize. 27 seems so Tame to me though, lol, but I can see where her thought process is. I'm in a whole new Decade!!!! My 30's!!!! Eep!

I don't wanna grow up!!!!!!!!

I think that's what the whole thing is about. I don't FEEL like an adult. I feel so confused and have trouble making decisions. I don't feel strong enough to raise my children or be firm with them; I swear they're not going to learn the things that I feel are important for them. I fail at so many things. Most of the time, I want to rush over to my mom's and go back to being the Daughter, not the Mother! I just don't feel prepared. I suppose this is how EVERYONE feels. I think I just show my thoughts and emotions on my sleeve too well b/c everyone else looks like they have it together, that they've settled into their adult roles just fine. *sigh* Will I ever grow up and feel mature enough for my age? Will I ever just be Satisfied and content with ME?

****btw: I wasn't actually numbering my thoughts, I just thought it sounded like a better title than "thoughts on 30!" LOL