Friday, March 11, 2011

one down...

Last night, I made my first trip onto the maternity ward at Peace Arch Hospital, where I *will*may* deliver. I hadn't been there in 2 and a half years and a lot has changed as they are just finishing up their upgrades. Wow. It looks great! Totally unrecognizable. Which is good, and sad, since I had so many good baby memories there and it's unfamiliar now, but it was small and needed updating badly, so... all-in-all a good thing. Too bad my visit wasn't a nicer one.

For two days, I had been having strong Braxton Hicks (BH) and some abdominal pain and lower back pain. The first day, I shrugged them off, even though I was concerned. But yesterday, the stomach pain woke me up from my otherwise pleasant napping on the couch! Not nice! I spent the next two hours alternating between BH and the pain, all the while trying to keep myself occupied by unloading/loading the dishwasher (yes, in that order), filling the bread maker with ingredients and sweeping and cleaning my kitchen floors. None of which took away the pain or lessened it or even took my mind off of it. Yet, I still waffled on whether or not I should head into the hospital.

I have this bizarre problem called a "guilt complex". I'm not too sure if it comes from being a Mom or if it's just a "me thing", but it tends to govern how I treat my own health crisis'. I couldn't just head to the hospital because, not only did I have the Youngers at home, but I'd have to go get the Olders from school in two hours, so I'd have to wait. And I didn't want to go when Hunny came home because he'd need help with dinner and getting the kids into bed and prepping for school the next day. And then I couldn't go later because then it would be a late night and we'd never get the sleep we need and...and...and... it's all so silly. But I really hate to inconvenience anyone with my little issues. I even start to tell myself that the nurses and doctors don't need to be bothered with a paranoid mother who doesn't actually have a health problem; I certainly don't need to be taking up their time when they could be dealing with other patients more serious than myself. I'd rather deal with my own problems at home, by myself, not tell anyone. (which is how I end up leaking waters for hours instead of telling my Hunny to come home from work to take me to the hospital for 3 of our children's births, and laboring at home until I was almost fully dialated with the other....*blush*)

But I couldn't shake this feeling where something just "wasn't right". So I finally decided enough was enough and told Hunny I was heading in to PAH. ...that is, after I called the maternity ward to get their opinion and make sure they weren't too busy, and after I called my sister to see if she wanted to go for a drive (my Hunny and Mom insisted that I get her to go with me! I tried not to take it as a thought that they didn't think I could handle it on my own, but it did make me laugh!)---she was out though, so I went alone.

The whole 20 minute drive was full of fear on my part (I am only 24w along) and praying, and BH and pain. I've got it in my head that they'll find something wrong with me, that I'm in early labor (hey, my signs say that I am according to the internet, the evil thing!) and I'll be admitted and put on bed rest. I'm near tears and I'm scared and it's the real reason why I didn't want to go to the hospital earlier.

I got hooked up to the machine and Baby Jellybean and I had our first non-stress test (NST). They listened to baby's heartbeat, and I had to note whenever I felt movement (which was a bit tough as I'd hear the movement on the machine's speakers but sometimes I wouldn't feel it, so I'd have to tell myself not to click the button just because the machine says something!) and I had a probe-thing attached to me to detect any contractions. They monitored me for half an hour, until the nurse lost the baby and all was coming up good. Guess how many contractions or BH I logged during that time? None. Nada. Nothing. Zero. After having them all freakin' day long.... It was a good thing, for sure, but awfully frustrating too.

Since my urine and blood tests came back negative and good and I had no pains or tightenings to show, the doctor cleared me all good and safe to return home. I was in my bed, snuggling for sleep by 11:30pm! (ok, so I didn't go to bed until after midnight, but the point was that I wasn't at PAH for hours on end like I was worried) I was happy and felt a bit better and confident that I wasn't in any early labor, but I didn't get any answers or suggestions for my pain and BH. They did keep asking me if I was "taking it easy.....or as easy as you can with four children." (I was asked that by both nurses and the doctor at different times!) but I'm not too sure how to answer that. I'm *trying* to take it easy, but, again that Guilt Complex comes into play. I feel like I'm not doing *enough*. I spend a lot of my mornings laying down, resting and napping, so I feel by late afternoon I should be doing something. The house is a mess, dinner needs to be made, the dishes are piling up, we're running out of clean clothes... I don't want Hunny to come home and think, "goodness, did she do anything today?" So I'm trying to put an effort out. Especially since one day I may not be able to.

Tonight, I really felt like I was doing "too much". I had no problems whatsoever during the day with BH or pain, and so I was really happy. That is, until I came home from picking up the kids' from school and I started to get really painful back spasms. I was just walking in the kitchen, deciding on dinner, nothing major. But I had been cleaning and had been carrying Rhys around a lot (since he's been asking me to do that lately this week) and I was pooped.

I admit it, I am paranoid. I get scared. Every new week is another to cross of my list, which gives me some relief, but every week also brings fear. Will this week be the week....that I start to leak? that my body fails? that I end up on bed rest? Every pregnancy has been earlier for pre-term. Abi at 37w. Kai at 36w. Bryn at 33w. Rhys at 30w (when I was put on bedrest for leaking, and had complete PROM at 35w, when he was delivered) So I have been on high alert and watch since, oh maybe 16w. *sigh* I haven't slept very good lately. Imagine that. But I want to be paying attention and be sure of what's going on. If there is something happening, I need to be aware so that I can get the help I need. I know that there have been great wonderful advances in medical science that can have a 24 weeker survive, but I surely don't want to have to go through that. Poor Jellybean isn't ready to be born. There's not enough fat to keep her warm, her lungs aren't developed, she's so tiny. It would be wonderful not to lose her and to have her grow strong enough in the NICU, but the developmental issues afterwards are scary! I don't want to have to go through that. So, every week, I breathe a bit better.

I find that I am waiting for 30 weeks to come, as if that is when I think things will happen. I'm just praying it doesn't happen sooner.

It was good to have some reassurance that my body isn't going against me right now and that baby is still safe and that we didn't need to be admitted to the maternity ward. I left the hospital feeling good, but a bit frustrated that all my symptoms disappeared while there. The nurses bid me good night when I left, saying they'd see me again in 16 weeks! We'll see... I have a feeling I'll be back there for more NST's though. We got our first one out of the way though and passed with flying colours! *smile*


Nikkiling said...

Hey babe - Things have been (well.. you know) and I just now got a chance to catch up on your blog. Praying for you and Jellybean! ♥♥♥

FieryCanuck77 said...

thank-you, Nikki. <3 miss you...

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