you matter

four.5 hours of sleep

I don't think I could possibly stress enough the importance of sleep! I truly can see what inadequate sleep does to my body, especially since I already have to deal with daily fatigue from my dumb broken thyroid! (lack of sleep effects my heart rate and gives me chest pain and makes it hard to breathe as my main symptoms.) My nights have always been very scattered, and being a Night Owl doesn't help; I used to blame it on being a Mom and having to go to kids in the night, but as they are mostly sleeping through the nights now (hooray!), I realized I couldn't say that anymore. (boo!) It turns out that I just can't fall asleep easily, and I can't seem to stay asleep for long.  

Last week I was dealing with insomnia of sorts--- I don't think it was a true case of it, as I would eventually sleep, but I would be up until 3:30am some nights, willing sleep to come. It's not that I had my mind filled with thoughts or worries either; I had a blank mind! It was frustrating!

Imagine my delight when I finally slept last night! A whole four and a half hours!!! 

In.A.Row.

With dreams!

 
I am one happy mama again!!!

recovering

This is just a gentle reminder to myself, and to anyone else with chronic pain and illness.

I understand.

Some days will be rough and you'll be on the couch resting, trying to breathe, and that's ok. Don't beat yourself up. Some people will understand (hopefully you've surrounded yourself with more of those people) and some won't (hopefully you've disregarded their words and realize they are from those who just don't get it.)  


Good days will come again!

Foggy Moments

Please excuse the absense, it's been a bit of a crazy busy June so far. It usually is, but this one seems to be more so. There's been a lot of end-of-unit field trips, birthday parties, and bbqs, and not many quiet evenings, lazy weekends or early nights. Then you add into it a wonky thyroid and medicine doseage changes and you've got a mixed up me.

I've had a few "brain fog" moments this week. Remember me talking about that last summer? It's used to describe symptoms such as forgetfulness and inability to focus. I just can't seem to think straight lately! 

My not-so-steller moments include getting ready for school one morning and not being able to find my glasses. I thought I had put them on top of my dresser, but the pair on there did not look familiar. They were the same purple-red colour, but I didn't think the design on the arms or the thickness was correct; this was an old pair.  So I looked out on the kitchen counter, another favourite place to leave them, but no luck either. So back to my room: I thought for sure that's where I put them the night before!  Seeing as it was getting later, I needed to just grab a pair and go. To my surprise, when I put on the old pair on the dresser, I could see perfectly fine! There were indeed my current pair! I felt a bit silly. How could I forget what my glasses looked like?

My next incident happened yesterday when I went to swith the clothes from the washer to the dryer. I walked into the basement and opened the washer, which is the lower machine in the stack. When I reached in and touched the wet clothes, I sighed in annoyance.  Why were they wet? Did I not turn on the dryer? Argh!
....and then I remembered they were supposed to be wet: this was the wash machine! I came down to put the clothes into the dryer!  Sheesh!

And then tonight, I found my thyroid pill on the counter. And now I'm wondering if I remembered to take it this morning!  Oh great!

Silliness.

I need sleep!  And some quiet nights!  
Just a few more days left of this school year....

just breathe (wordless wednesday)

ETA: (ok, so that wasn't very "wordless". oops.)

thankful thursday

Welcome back to Thankful Thursday, a feature started by Louise at Talk Nerdy to Me, where we look back over our week to remember our blessings.  It is so good to see the good things that have happened, especially if you have had a particularly tough week. Being grateful is good for the soul. Here are just a few things that I am thankful for...

1. this girl

I am so thankful for Abi; for all that she is to our family. She babysits for us when Hunny and I need to go out somewhere (like our parent-teacher interviews at the schools, or for grocery shopping, or even just a quick step out for a coffee and a breather), even when she sometimes finds it frustrating. (we do pay her often. Sometimes in small gifts of a latte, and sometimes in cash, or in paying for new books for her to read, like we did this week!)

 
I am also so very thankful for her creativity and resourcefulness. When I was out at my dental appt recently, and Hunny was working late, she saw to dinner plans and made something for everyone. It was so good of her and I was so blessed by her thoughtfulness and her ability to fill a need. I don't know how I ended up with a girl like her! 

2. this silly girl

The Fiesty One decided to cut her own hair one morning while I was still in bed.  I know that a lot of kids do this; I certainly did as a kid, and even into my teens! But it still made me nervous to see her own handiwork!

I was thankful that it didn't really look too bad! I felt mixed on whether I should commend her on her abilities or tell her how it was a bad idea!

3. A friend of ours had her story published! 

A friend wrote a story for a grade five class project two years ago, and her teacher suggested she publish it, so her mom loked into it this year! A small company accepted it and the book came out just recently! It's so exciting! I see many years ahead of her developing her writing skills and growing her talent; she is already a great storyteller!  

Check out more information on this story, and how you can get your own copy!  We should support young talent, and local talent!  the lotus princess

4. a shameless promotion

 I don't join these things to gain followers, but I thought it was neat that Pinterest was using one of my boards in their "you may want to check this out" email this week! *patting myself on the back for being awesome*  It was neat to think that Pinterest wanted to promote me and my silly board on building projects! It made me feel pretty good! I'm thankful for small and un-important things like this that make me feel happy.

5. Jamberry party

For Abi's birthday party, she wanted to have friends over for a sleepover, but also do something fun, so we invited a woman over for a Jamberry party. I had heard about Jamberry this year, but had never had a chance to try it out myself, or to go to a party, so when we saw someone at a craft fair promoting their own business, we thought we'd try it out!

I'm a nail biter...I know, I know. It's a terrible habit. I really thought I would be over it by the time I hit my 30's, but by then the habit was set strong, and habits are hard to break.  I had heard that having a manicure would help, but since I don't have the money or time (or interest, really) to have one, I had heard that having pretty nail decor would help too.

My nails looked good!  My cousin's wife said that it helped her out, but if she had a snag or it bubbled up or frayed, she would pick at it, and I found out that to be true for me as well! Sadly, they did not make it a week! But I am going to try it again (after all, I did buy a few sets!) and hopefully I will be stronger this time!

I thought it was cute that even Eden was included! Our nail instructor, Kelly, applied Eden's nails for her, which I thought was very nice, considering I wasn't expecting her too. (you never know how some people will respond to a toddler, you know, when it involves their business, but Kelly was so wonderful!) She loved them!  *

6. Christmas music

I pulled out my Christmas cds the last week of November! I have a small collection that I listen to often, and I would say that my absolute favourites are the ones by Michael W. Smith. He has three...no, wait, I think he just came out with a new one, a Christmas with Friends one where he duets with others.  I love his Christmas music, they really do touch my heart. I love that he adds a symphony orchestra and many choirs. Oh, my heart is so happy and at peace when I listen to it. 

I was so happy to find his cds on youtube, so I've been listening on our tablet to the mix' while I prepare dinner. It really has helped with my peace!

All is Well (the song in the picture above) is a song off of his first Christmas cd, way back in 1989! It is actually sung by the American Boy Choir, and wow, it is so touching. Especially if you listen to Frank Peretti read his story of the same title. *tears* (I think you can listen to the story here. I'm not too sure since my computer isn't running very well right now, so I can't test it.)

7. custom card order 

I don't know if you are aware of this, but I love making cards and I really love making cards for other people. So I was pretty excited to have a custom order of 20 thank you cards to make for a friend!

8. Medication!

My thyroid is kind of ...off...this week. I have been in a lot of all-over body pain, having heart palpitations, feeling so so so cold, dealing with insomnia as well as fatigue, and been angry and frustrated yet also apathetic and depressed. It's been a really rough week!  So I was so thankful that my doctor called in my prescription to the pharmacy for me when mine ran out and I struggled.  

I may not always feel like my doctor is doing enough for my thyroid care, but I am sure thankful to have something to take that helps just a bit! Hopefully this will let me feel more..normal...again.

9. Snow!!!

The first snowfall of the season is always exciting!  Usually when it snows in other parts of the Lower Mainland, it won't fall at our house since we live at the bottom of two or three big hills, so I was quite surprised, and very happy, to see how much we received in the end! And ours lasted longer than my parents' house in Chilliwack!

The kids were going to go play in it, but that lasted hardly even 10 minutes. It was just too cold! We still have this arctic chill going on! Brr!

10. Swim lessons

We finished up our swimming lessons. The Youngers had a blast! They loved learning to swim, and they loved their teachers, and they were proud of themselves for what they accomplished; they started out timid and gained new skills. They didn't pass their levels, but that's okay. They learned so much and are able to now get their faces/heads wet, and that's a big step from when we started!

They keep asking about swimming, so I definitely see us repeating this in the Spring!


So that's my week in a nutshell!  There is so much to be thankful for!  What are you thankful for? If you start a list, let me know. I'd love to share your happy news too!



* I was curious as to how long Eden would keep her nails on, just to find that she had pulled them off in bed that very night! haha.  Of course, she wanted new ones on the next day!

Lovely headgear

When I went to see my doctor the other week for my typical complaint of fatigue, she asked about my sleeping habits. She wanted to know how many hours I slept and if I snored and if I needed naps in the day. Stuff I've all mentioned before. I typically will get 3-4 hours of sleep in a row, before I am wakened to go to the bathroom or a child calls for me. (it's a lot less than I originally thought, but when I started to think about it, that's about the truth of it. Maybe not every night, thankfully, but for the most part. Then if you add in that I can't fall asleep at night, am a night owl, but still have to get up at 7am to get the kids off to school...I am one tired mama!) So yes, I have needed naps mid-day before. (I am so pleased that so far, since school started up again, I have been doing okay and not found myself dragging off to the couch or nodding off in the school parking lot at the end of the school day!) As for snoring...I've been told that I snore, but not very often.  To be honest, that doesn't even bother me at all. I figure that if I was snoring, it meant that I was sleeping! So I'm not embarrassed!

My doctor wants to rule out sleep apnea, which is a good thing, I guess. I'm not convinced that I have it. (although I am nervous to find out!) I rather think that my fatigue is linked to autoimmune disease, since I seem to have a few links.

To find out if I do have sleep apnea, which is not the ceasing of breathing like I thought, but rather an obstruction of proper breathing. (typically the tongue falls back into the throat, collapsing the esophagus...I saw a neat little video with a Respiratory Therapist!) I had to wear this funky headgear for two nights. It captured my sleep patterns and body and my REM sleep depth and whatnot. I'm not too sure how, but somehow it was able to record it.

It was lovely to wear. I look amazing!

I'm glad that I was able to do this testing while my Hunny was gone on his hunting trip. I couldn't see this sitting well with bedtime snuggles and such!

When you go to bed, you turn on the recorder and it instructs you to lie flat on your back and look at the ceiling while it initializes itself. After a minute, the polite female voice says that it is set up and you can go to sleep now.  If only falling asleep were that easy for me! I wish! (It is for my husband!) You also have to wear this nose prong. It didn't provide any oxygen or anything, but maybe it measured what I was putting out? I don't know. Things didn't go too bad, I did manage to sleep for about 3 or 4 hours until a beeping noise woke me up and a voice prompted me to "please adjust the headcorder, please adjust the headcorder, please adjust..." argh! I pushed on those forehead prongs (there are three stickies that attach to your skin) until the voice stopped. The first night, it happened at 3:30am, the next night at 4:30am. Slightly frustrating! (another reason I am happy I did this while Hunny was away! He would be a grumpy bear if he was woken up two nights in a row to that!)

The results take a few days, so we will see what happens. I am hoping I don't have sleep apnea (I don't think I do); the face mask you have to wear to help you breathe at night looks so uncomfortable! I move around a lot in my sleep; I can't see that going over very well. But I will tackle that hurdle if I ever come to it.

Brain Fog

Brain fog. It's a real term. Look it up. Actually, I don't know if it is.... *going to check* Oh, hey it is!  It's not medical-based (although it may be called something else medical-y), but it is a real term, used by many people.

It's used a lot to describe symptoms of forgetfulness, confusion, lack of clarity, and inability to focus, and can be brought on by numerous things: poor diet, toxins (like copper or mercury poisoning), autoimmune diseases (which I have), medications, ....the list is more extensive than I thought actually.

I don't know if that is the reason I have been so dumb this week, but I'm going with it. That, and maybe a lack of adequate sleep (also autoimmune related)  And I am sure that I have given half of my brain cells to my children; unfortunately it appears to have been the best ones!


Earlier this week, I received a new debit card in the mail to replace my aging one. That was nice; I wasn't expecting a new one, but great. My well-used card has a big crease in it from accidentally sitting on it. (it was in my back pocket and I sat on it while driving. How I did that without even feeling it confuses me too.) I was looking forward to replacing it.  So I take it to my nearest ATM and follow the instructions on activating my card. You insert your new card, use your existing PIN and then conduct whatever business you wanted. (I needed to deposit a cheque) Except that no matter what I did, what action I attempted, which machine I put it into, it always said my PIN was incorrect. ARGH!  How is that possible? I use this card all.of.the.time. Seriously. I use it way more than I should and sometimes forget what real paper money feels like. (it feels weird with the new plastic bills, but way less dirty than the old ones, but more flimsy and I worry they will blow away or slip from my hands. That's how they feel actually, I remember now.) So I return home in frustration that the instructions don't work and that I couldn't deposit my money.

A few hours have passed and I relay the story to my Hunny, and as I am telling him, it occurs to me: I am an idiot!  I could've deposited the money!  I could've used my old (and still current) debit card! Duh! It was in my purse still! I can't believe that I didn't even think of that! I am laughing at how slow I was! (Abi is laughing because she recognized this at the ATM, but didn't tell me....how nice!)  *sigh*

The next day, I pop in to the bank and manage to get my bank card working. I don't know why I couldn't set it up, I followed the instructions, but the teller gave me tips and it all worked out. Hooray. I successfully deposited my cheques and all was well.

Or so I thought.

The next night, I mentioned to my Hunny how I put the money into our account, but he says I didn't. There has been no deposits made yesterday, and it wasn't there today. Where did I put it? I feel frustrated because I *know* that I put it in the account. I am not so confused as to make up memories, sheesh! So it must be at the bank end; for some reason they don't have it coming up in their system. There isn't much we can do about it now as they are closed, but I will call them in the morning. But just to double check, I go online using my new card and look into it, and yes, there it is, the money I deposited, I can see it!  

My Hunny points out that it is in my own private account, not the joint account! oops!

How did I not notice this?  I just assumed it was a replacement card for my well-used debit card, not my unused account card. Silly me! No wonder it didn't recognize the PIN when I tried it---that account has a different one!  But oh great!  Since I got the new card to work, I diligently cut up my old one and tossed it away!!! Now I am without any money! (that made my husband happy, which is slightly annoying since I am not a shopper...except if it is for all of those add ons at the till, those get me good! That and the dollar store, man I spend too much money there!)  *with me no longer doing SU, I don't have any money coming in, so I am on a tight budget again. phooey.

Oh my goodness, how did I get so dumb?

Blame it on brain fog. Blame it on lack of sleep. Blame it on my thyroid. Just don't blame it on me.

Thankful Thursday: Fatigue Edition

When I saw this feature on Talk Nerdy To Me, I knew I wanted to start it as well. I figured I could use some more focus on things I'm thankful for. I had read One Thousand Gifts (I totally recommend this book!) and Ann Voskamp's blog and had been trying to change my thinking and to seek the blessings given every day. And I have become more grateful and noticed more of a peace in that, but I still needed something more. Thankful Thursday gives me that challenge.

It started out as a simple list of a few things that made me happy; things that I could be thankful for. But over the two months, I now find myself actively searching; I like looking through each day for gifts. My lists may still seem simple, but that's the wonder of blessings -- sometimes the simple small ones have great impact, if we are willing to see them.

This week has been a bit hard on me as I have been battling extreme fatigue. I'm not too sure if it's from my hypothyroidism, my MVP or an undiagnosed condition, or just too many late nights with not enough sleep and too much heat. But this fatigue is crushing me and it does more than just make me feel tired. It causes me to struggle with breathing, resulting in me panting. It makes my body ache. I lose ability to concentrate or focus on anything. My mouth goes dry and I feel void of emotions. I become unable to cope with anything. Sometimes I feel anxious. And that is just a short list.

As I lay in bed, with my mind still actively running, but my body feeling rather weighted, I thought of how, despite my mobilites and my weakness, I have much to be thankful for.

So here is my Thankful Thursday: Fatigue Edition. (It's going to be a wordy one!)

1. Fatigue is a sign

When my body starts to feel fatigued, it tells me that my body is weak and needs to rest. I am thankful that I have this to remind me to take care of myself. (as opposed to working too hard and ignoring my own body, or not knowing what it means)

2. Helpful children

I have had a few incidents with ailments in front of my kids, and while that is embarrassing to have them see their mom weak, I am also thankful that they understand that I have limits. It teaches them empathy. I am thankful that they show concern for me and are willing to help me. (well the Olders notice, the Youngers don't yet.  It was nice to have Kai ask how he could help me this week, when I lay on the couch panting. He offered to get me something to drink and eat!)

3. Strength Within

I am thankful that despite fatigue, I have been given strength when I needed it and that He is still able to work through me.
^"...Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 8-10


4. Creativity

On the times that I have laid on the couch, trying to rest and control my breathing, I have still been able to use my gifts. I can still text friends, I can still write cards, I can still work on planning events. It takes a bit longer (since concentrating is a struggle) but it can be done, and I am thankful that even when my body wants to drop, I can still be useful.

5. Empathy

I am thankful my Hunny understands my fatigue (or is starting to) I am thankful that he doesn't demand that I get up and attempt to do things, but will help with tasks. (like dinner or putting kids to bed)

I am also thankful that my Mom struggles with fatigue due to her own autoimmune diseases --- ok, I'm not really thankful that she struggles also, but thankful because she understands what I am going through. She can give advice and encouragement and offer prayers. It is good to have someone who understands because they are dealing with it also.  Although I wish neither of us were in this Fatigue Club anyways.

6. Conquering Fear

If have been dealing with fatigue for some time now, and I am starting to recognize symptoms before I get a full-blown attack. I am thankful that time does educate and that I can see connections better so that I am not overwhelmed with anxiety or fear when I feel like collapsing. I don't find myself worrying over possible scenarios or getting myself worked up over imaginary symptoms (mostly) I know that my body is just fatigued. I need to rest and I will get better. I do not need to worry. (even if it means that sometimes I need to remind myself those words!)

7. Not defining

I am thankful that I know this does not define who I am. I am a loving mom, a creative being, a loyal and caring friend. I have many talents and interests that God created in me that makes me who I am. My fatigue is a reaction to health issues that I carry, but it is not who I am. It may beat me up, and try to bring me down, and try to whisper thoughts into my head, but in the end, I am so much more than this.  I know that. And so do others who know and love me.

8. It doesn't last

I have been fighting this fatigue for over a week now and I have often like I've had enough and can't go on, but somehow I manage. I know that even when it drags out and I feel close to the end of my endurance, it will not last forever. My body fights it and I somehow find the strength and I eventually get the rest I need. I am thankful that I can look forward to getting up one day and not feeling this weight upon my body.

9.  All things

One of my favourite verses is Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.."  All Things. Those two words are the ones I cling too. It means that everything that happens, every moment, every struggle, every overwhelming and weak day, every joy and triumph...in all things, God is working it out for the good. I don't see a purpose in having to live with this struggle, but I don't have to to believe that there is something good to come out of it.

and if not....

I have been struggling with fatigue, breathlessness and chest pain for a whole eight days now. It is to the point now where I am so weak and weary that I am in tears and pleading for more strength because I don't know how I can continue like this.

Is it my thyroid?  I had my blood work done again this past weekend, so hopefully my doctor has the results in now. Is it wrong that I am praying that something will be wrong and that the doctor will call me at home with an answer?  If I don't get that call then that means that all is supposedly well with me, but I am walking evidence that it is not.

Is it my Mitral Valve Prolapse?  That is supposedly "symptomless" as well, yet I was in such incredible chest pain last night. If I didn't know that MVP was my cause and that it is not life threatening, I would be a lot more worried.

So at this point, on day eight, I am struggling. I am trying to keep focused and I am trying not to get myself worked up and I am trying to remain calm, but the truth is that I am having a hard time trying to convince myself that all is well.

I was reading in one of my Bible devotionals, called She Reads Truth, about this phrase: and if not... and it really has stuck with me.  I copied their words in my journal: I believe that God will show up, that He will show up here on earth and move in His people and move mountains.

And if not...

And if not, He is still good. He is still the King Most High. He alone is still worthy of our worship. It is still worth it.

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied, "we do not need to defend ourselves before you. if we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us....but even if He doesn't...we want to make it clear to you that we will never serve your gods."  Daniel 3: 17, 18

***

But even if He doesn't....

And if not....


If things don't get better. If I don't feel well. If I can not find the strength. He is still good. He is still God. He is still my Saviour. He is still the King. And I still trust Him. 

But I am struggling.

Thankful Thursday

I've decided to start a new segment on here. Maybe I'll actually post every week too! *smile*  I came across this idea from the blog: Talk Nerdy To Me. (Louise was a classmate of my friends' in highschool, so I know her name, so that's my claim to fame. She just recently was listed one of Vancouver's Top 30 Mom Bloggers, so that's pretty cool too.) I think we could all be just a little bit more thankful, so here is my list for the week:

1. Our School

With the Teacher's Strike happening right now, I have been reminded just yet again what a wonderful community we have and what an opportunity our kids have by attending their school. Through the support of my parents, we are able to send the kids to the Christian school. We have been going there since Abi was in kindergarten, and we have not regretted it once. We love the teachers and the school!

I have been struggling, honestly, with knowing which "side" I am on for the strike. I am frustrated that the teachers ended the school year for the kids in public school, not just because they lose out on their fun end-of-the-year parties, trips, and Fun Days (because those are disappointing to miss out on, but they aren't going to ruin the year) but that some kids really do lose out by not getting their final grades (that has to effect the graduating classes who are trying to enter into universities, and/or applying for scholarships, etc.  I was so thankful that my niece's grade 12 graduation ceremony wasn't cancelled due to the strike though, since at-the-time, the rotating strike didn't fall on that day. phew. That would've been horrible!) And I am so frustrated at the Provincial Government who has disregarded what the Supreme Court has ruled on. If they had just done as they were told, this mess would've been avoided. Shame on them!

I am thankful that my kids are able to attend their school and that their year wasn't affected by Labour Negotiations. I wonder if the public school sector could learn something about how contracts are done in the private schools? (I honestly don't know...I don't pay too much attention to things like that!)

2. Father's Day

I am so thankful for my Hunny. He is a good Daddy to our children. I love how he teaches them things and gives them many experiences that I never got to share with my Dad. He takes them out and tries to spend time with each child individually. He directs, leads and disciplines and I am so thankful for the strong role he plays in our family.

Eden loves her Daddy so much! She definitely is more attached to him than the other kids have been , which is so wonderful to see!  I didn't have the best relationship with my own Dad growing up. We are too much alike and it seemed we were always butting heads. I am so thankful that after Abi was born, he mellowed out and became an awesome Grandpa, and that as I got older, I also began to understand things better. I am so grateful that we have another year to celebrate and live together. My Dad had a heart attack almost two years ago, while helping with renos at our house, and it really changed a lot for all of us. Life is very fragile, indeed. We are very thankful for the many "second chances" we get in life!



3. Ducks

Seriously. Ducks make me happy. I don't know what it is about them. The way they waddle? The way they quack? The shiney colours of their feathers? That they bob upside-down in the water to grab food? I don't know. But they make me happy.

Imagine my happiness, and surprise, when I saw a mother duck waddling out past the school this week, with three babies in tow! She squawked at a stalking crow, and lunged at it when it got too close, which I applauded; I was about to hop out of my van and chase that crow if he got any closer to the little family!

Eden and I watched the Mama and her ducklings waddle through the trees, cross the parking lot and go to the forest next to the school.

 

4. Hypo Mom

I found Hypothyroid Mom on FB and wow!

I have been diagnosed as Hypothyroid in 2005, when I was experiencing post-partum depression two years after Kai was born! (haha) Turns out my thyroid was all crazy. And I really was depressed too. (I remember when they wanted to check my thyroid and my sister and I laughed and wished that I had Hyperthyroidism, just because it meant that you would lose weight faster. hahaha. Darn!) *after I was diagnosed, I found out that my great-aunt also has this, as well as two cousins (siblings) who were diagnosed as teens. So I guess this runs in the family. *Hypo is when you have an underactive thyroid, and Hyper is when your thyroid is working overtime.

I have mentioned my struggles with Hypo a few times on here; my frustration with fatigue (I was starting to fall asleep while driving, which is why Hunny had to take over driving the kids to school in the mornings) and how my doctor changes my medications (or doesn't, when I feel she should). When I found Hypo Mom, I was elated! It was so nice to find a group of others who completely understood! Wow. Support with those who also have this condition is key to keeping your sanity, because honestly, it is hard to get others to understand how serious your symptoms are sometimes.

I had No idea on so many of these symptoms though! Check out the list of 300+ Hypothyroidism Symptoms ......   How many do you have?  There are so many on here I did not know about...they could explain a lot of things!


5.This Song

I heard this on Praise and I am hoping they will play it more.

My Heart is Yours - Passion Ft. Kristian Stanfill

Fatigue and more mysteries

My heart is all jumpy right now and my body is weary.  I hate it when it gets this way.  Despite being exhausted, I am still unable to fall asleep before 1am all week, which really sucks. You know that your life needs a huge change when your preschooler asks you, "why are you always tired, Mom?"  *sigh*  I wish I knew.  But I am getting my bloodwork checked again this weekend. Surely it must be my thyroid. Please let it be my thyroid. Then my doctor can change my medications and I can hopefully, maybe, feel the slightest bit more energetic. (and when I say "energetic", I mean not having to take a nap or two or three a day.)

I saw my doctor this past week, but she is still suggesting that my pain and fatigue are from having "so many children" and the stress that brings.  I am willing to admit that I have some things happening in my life that could be considered stress. But I am not going to say that mine is more than anyone else'. Don't we all worry about finances and the house being a mess and having to plan three birthdays, a baby shower, teacher's gifts, father's day, and end-of-the-school-year events in two weeks? Oh, maybe not. Well, this month is a bit more crazier than typical, I guess! June starts our busy family time and it carries on until September. Tons of birthdays and things to plan and figure out!

As for having many children. To be honest, I've said this before and I will say it again, once you have three children it really isn't that much of a change adding another. By the time you have five, you start to get into a rhythm of things. Yes, our house is loud, and yes it is messy, and yes it can get busy, but it really isn't that hard. But it's one of those things that you have to be in to understand. There are many things that I don't "get" and couldn't imagine living through, but if it's your life, it's what you do and you somehow manage. I have a friend who is a single mom to two girls. How does she do it? I can't imagine being that patient all.of.the.time, or never getting a break (I love it when my Hunny can come and help take over when I need a breather or two, because I often need those. I'm not that patient after all.). And having to carry the weight of the finances? Wow. Now, that is stressful in my mind! Don't talk to me about how my fatigue is due to many kids....there are so many out there with it harder than me! (although, my friend may not think it is a big deal since she is used to doing it all alone for a few years now.)

My doctor says that I "need to find a week of nothing to do."  I asked her how do I do that. She suggested a "Staycation."  Are you kidding me? I'm a stay-at-home-mom. I"m not too sure how staying home (something I already do) would reach those parameters of "finding nothing to do." There is always something to do in this house! (I just may not do it sometimes, haha, looking at the state of my house right now)

My chest aches and my body is weary and I can hardly stay awake and my heart is racing and jumping around like a fish.  I am starting to see how it could all be related, though. The more tired my body is, the more my heart will feel 'jumpy" and the more likely I am to get chest pains. I just don't know what is causing that fatigue. Just when I think I have found a possible solution, I find it just adds to the list in the end. It turns out that fatigue can be a symptom of many different things!

Remember me having to see the Cardiologist in December? He had booked me in for a Stress Test and an Echocardiogram, just to make me feel better.  The Stress Test went okay, and the Echo was booked for January but I had to cancel it since it fell on the same day that I was going away for the weekend. The idea of making a drive all the way in to Vancouver General Hospital that afternoon and then driving all the way in the opposite direction to Harrison Hot Springs didn't appeal to me!  I got a new date for that appointment for May. 

 In the end, the Echocardiogram was easier than I anticipated! I had seen Kai have them done yearly for 8 years, so I knew what to expect, but I was a bit self conscious. As much as I tell myself that these specialists have seen several breasts, that they don't actually pay attention to them at all, I still felt nervous being disrobed in front of a stranger. (in the end, the radiologist had me covered up with a towel and didn't even look at me! He stared at his screen the whole time and was very professional. Silly me and my worries!)

My follow up appointment with the Cardiologist was to be expected. He said that my Stress test was Normal. My 24 Hour Holter was Normal. My Echo was Normal. Everything is good and fine. But oh, the Echo discovered that I have  Mitral Valve Prolapse.

What? How is that "normal"?

According to the Echo, the Prolapse is tiny and hardly noticeable. The doctor said that he wouldn't know I have one if it didn't say so on the report, since he can't hear it on the stethoscope. So I guess that's a good thing.  He wasn't concerned about it and said that I shouldn't either, so I chose to believe him!  I go back in a year for another Echo to see if there is any change.

Of course, when I got home, I suddenly had questions (why do I never think of them in his office?) and I had to Google what a Prolapse was!  I found out some interesting stuff. Such as this, from the Mayoclinic website:

When signs and symptoms do occur, it may be because blood is leaking backward through the valve (regurgitation). Mitral valve prolapse symptoms can vary widely from one person to another. They tend to be mild and develop gradually. Symptoms may include:

• A racing or irregular heartbeat (arrhythmia)
• Dizziness or lightheadedness
• Difficulty breathing or shortness of breath, often when lying flat or during physical activity
• Fatigue
• Chest pain that's not caused by a heart attack or coronary artery disease

It blew my mind! Are you kidding me? This could totally explain so much! I was actually giddy at the idea and I felt that I had my answers! Hooray.

Except when my own doctor said that my "leaky valve" is so insignificant that I wouldn't even feel any symptoms.  Oh. Well, that's good, I suppose. But I liked having some answers!

So we're back to "stress of having many children."

Please let it be my thyroid.


***another interesting thing that I was reminded of when I was telling my mom of my cardiologist appointment. My Opa has MVP. He has had it for years and had the valve replaced at the age of 70 with a pig's valve. They usually only last for 10 years, but his has been going for 15!  
***The cardiologist said that I likely had this since birth. Well, THAT would explain a LOT of things too in my life.  If only it could....

present difficulties and future joy

I knew it was out before they even called me at home. I had been spending all week on the couch feeling extremely exhausted and in pain. I just could not pull myself together. But it was the third day of inactivity and inability that spoke volumes of my situation; when I felt a heavy depression descend upon me and I felt so emotional. I haven't felt this depressed in years and it surprised me, to be honest; it happened so suddenly.

I had just had my bloodwork done a few days earlier, so I was expecting the doctor's office to call me. I was hoping they'd just call into the pharmacy for a new prescription change, as they have been lately,  but since my levels are so far out (than typical for me), the doctor wanted me to come in. She wanted to determine if there was anything happening, such as, say, a pregnancy. Yeah. No. It's just my body being my body. All confused. Boo.

Dumb thyroid.

Unfortunately, the new dose hasn't helped at all. I may not be as depressed, but I still am absolutely fatigued, which means my body aches are back. Fun.

I wonder if I'll ever get past this. My Love is hopeful and thinks one day I'll be well again, but I don't share his outlook. (which is tough since I'm usually the Optimist) I just don't know. It's so easy to get into a negative mindset when things are messed up, and right now all I feel and all I remember are the many past days, weeks, where I haven't been able to accomplish anything in my day, and my history where I've struggled with this. Where I spend most of it on the couch in a semi-sleep-awake-state. It's tough. How do you remain optimistic in continual days like that?

I was reading an obituary recently of a woman who was described as having an autoimmune disease and in pain, but "she never complained or let it define her."  And no, reading obituaries aren't morbid. I am curious about these people. About their lives, their families, things that others will remember about them. Most are elderly and their lives were so much different than ours are today. Most immigrated from war-torn countries, lived during hard depressing times, struggled with loss, and their stories are interesting and importatant. One day, my life will be summerized in a few sentances. I wonder what my family will write? That I struggled with loss, but never complained? That I dealt with health issues but endured with strength? That I taught my family to persevere with joy?

I'm not feeling very joyful or strong lately. It's been a long, yet blurry, three weeks.

I was reading a post this morning on Ann Voskamp's blog, Holy Experience, titled "How the get through when you want to give up." It was actually a post written by Jon Bloom on giving thanks in all circumstances. I read it, skimming a lot of the words, but didn't really take it in. I feel like I've read stuff like this before and it's done nothing so far to help me. It's not that I don't believe it. I do. But somehow believing isn't always living, is it? So I read things and nothing changes.

But the last part has stuck with me for a few hours now. Jon Bloom says: "How do you give thanks in all circumstances? There's only one way: Jesus' way. Look to the joy set before you. Look to the joy! If the future joy Jesus promises is real and you believe Him, there is no circumstance that can steal your thanksgiving."

Yeah, I know. That can feel like just more words sometimes, can't it? But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I just had to re-word it.  The Future Joy he is speaking about are the promises God has given us in the Bible. Such as complete forgiveness of our sins (Romans 6:23), all of our needs provided (Philippians 4:19), one day we will be raised from the dead and never die again (1 Corinthians 15:52, 53), we will receive all the grace we need (2 Corinthians 9:8), He will complete the works He has started in us (this one gives me hope! Philippians 1:6), someday soon we will see Jesus and be with him (2 Corinthians 5:8) and be like him (1 John 3:2), we will know complete joy (Psalm 16:11 and Psalm 43:4)...and many more!

So basically, focus on the promises that He has given to us. Focus on the Future Joy, not the present difficulties. This is where you find your joy.

"Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice and no one will take away your joy." John 16:22

Now, THAT is something to look forward to!

Adjusting

The Olders are back in school and loving it and B started Preschool and he's doing great, so things should be settling down for me, and I should be in a rhythm now, but I don't feel that way. Instead, I feel exhausted. I feel that fear of mornings again, where I attempt to muster up some energy to drive to the school (a tumbler filled with hot chocolate works for a bit, but then gives me a tummy ache! and I'm not a coffee drinker.) but feel like collapsing during the day. I've seen the doctor and my thyroid isn't out enough to cause this much fatigue and it isn't anything else (I know what you're thinking!) so I guess it's just that I Don't Do Mornings Well. At all.

Phooey.

I wonder oftentimes if I'll ever get it figured out and I don't know. It's a depressing thought. So far, things seem to be on a downward scale and I don't see the possibility of a difference. But I must be open to the chance of a productive day, or else I have no hope. But in reality, I am frightened that this is all there is for me; constantly exhausted and struggling for normalcy.

This is the time for adjustments and tweaking things, for working on schedules and trying new options. And hoping it'll start to come easier for me to figure out.

struggling

I'm struggling right now. My thyroid is out and I can tell but there isn't anything I can do about it until I can get my doctor to realize. I had my bloodwork done last month and when I saw my dr (my original doctor not my friend's doctor, lol) and while she said that my levels of TSH were too high, she didn't want to adjust anything b/c she wasn't convinced that there was an issue yet. She asked if I had felt anxious, to which I said No, because I'm not. Aggitated? Oh Yes!!! Very aggitated! And sleepy. Oh so sleepy. Since I'm not anxious, things must be ok, right? Even though I told her I knew my thyroid was out, I could tell and that I was extremely exhausted. *sigh* Doctors!

So while I have a LOT of things I want to post and talk about, I have no energy. My life is kind of on auto-play...no thinking, no action, just doing. And it sucks. :(

For those who don't know, I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism in 2005. (that was a tough year for me) Your thyroid controls your
*heart rate
*respiratory rate
*rate at which calories are burned
*skin maintenance
*growth
*heat production
*fertility
*digestion. (1)

But more than that, more importantly, when your thyroid is out, you have a range of symptoms that really screw things up! The symptoms for Hypothyroidism (when your thyroid is underactive and produces high levels of TSH and low levels of T4) include: *fatigue
*dry skin
*feeling cold
*weight gain
*coarse hair/hair loss
*muscle aches
*depression
*difficulty concentrating
*brittle nails
*constipation
*hoarse voice
*puffiness of the face/around eyes
*heavy periods
*infertility
*high cholesterol. (2)

Believe me! I know! I don't have all of those symptoms, but I have enough! Also, "hypothyroidism can lead to serious consequences if not treated." (3)

I go get my blood checked every other month or so. Actually, that's not true. I had my thyroid nice and settled for a good 6 months where it was regulated and all was good. But then I got pregnant with Rhys and things haven't been in order since. I think. It's been a while; I don't remember when it first went out!

Hopefully things will get back into order again. I have lots of updating to do and I want to do it before it becomes OLD news! :)

(Beers, MH, Fletcher AJ, et al, editors, The Merck Manual of Medical Information. (1) Kasper DL, Braunwald E, et al, editors, Harrison's Principles of Internal Medicine 2005 (2) Abbott Laboratories, Limited 2008 You don't feel right, but you just can't put your finger on it....(3) ...I picked up a handy-dandy pamphlet at my doctor's office recently!)

not what I was hoping for

I got a call from The Doctor I See (lol) to come in for the results of my bloodwork three days ago. That's usually a good/bad sign. It means that they need to talk to you. But that's what I was hoping for! I didn't want to go in to see him today and have him wonder what I was doing there.

The results weren't what I was expecting or hoping for. It turns out that my thyroid is out...something I knew...but I didn't think it would be Too High. My medication needs to go down again. WT??? I was slightly surprised. Down??? That doesn't make sense b/c three weeks ago I was up at 200 and Doing Well, then I had to go down to 175 and things have been Rough. And now I've got to go down further?

I told the doctor how I was expecting to increase the meds, how I noticed a difference after two days, how I can't get out of bed (which, thankfully, he actually wrote down word-for-word in my file. yay!) and how bad things have been. He was surprised to hear this and even showed me the test results, which clearly state the numbers (which really don't make sense to me. I don't know what number is 'normal'!) and the words: results are characterised with hyperthyroidism. *sigh*

He asked if I wanted to go back up or not, to which I decide that the Doctor is the Professional, and if he says I'm too high, I guess I've got to go with him. The idea for now is to keep at my current doseage and check again in two weeks to see if there is a difference. And I was okay with that when I left the office. Well, ... a bit....not really...only sort of. I actually wanted to cry by the time I got to my van. I wanted to cry when I drove to Tim Horton's and treated myself to an Iced Capp. I wanted to cry when I got home and knew I'd have to update people on the apointment.

But I didn't. I held it in. But now I'm wondering if I made the right decision. If 175 hasn't been doing good for me for three weeks, why in the world did I agree to stay on it for two more weeks???? Why??? Why??? Why??? *sigh* Good question. It makes more sense to either go back Up or go Down according to my results. But the truth is, I'm scared to go down. My body didn't like going down from 200, why would it like to go down further? So instead of trusting medical science, I decide to stop and wait. For what? My thyroid to correct itself? For the bloodwork to suddenly show how I really feel? But what if I'm wrong? Like Jenny said, how do I know that me feeling this crummy isn't because I'm Too High??? Uhm.... I dunno. It could be. So, by staying where I am is going to get me nowhere, isn't it?

You know what the worst thing of having your thyroid out? Oh, that is, other than the depression? Yeah. I'm also not good at decision-making. Or remembering things. Or making sense. I just Can't Think Straight. At All. I'm a jumbled mess. You know what stupid thing I did today? Or actually this whole week? I screwed up my thyroid even more!!! By attempting to "self medicate" *roll eyes* Uhm, someone should remind me that I can't make proper decisions. I need adult supervision! The first day, I took two 100s. Okay. All good. Feeling better just knowing I'm on a higher happier dose. Day 2....uhm, I can't recall. But I had a strong implication yesterday when I pulled out those 100s again. As I stood looking at those two pink pills it struck me that the day prior, I didn't see two but one, and it was green. Uh-Oh! It turns out that I took one 88mg. Oops. That's a bit less than I should be taking, and it certainly didn't make my day any better. Then here comes today. I woke up "late"...and when I mean late, I mean I woke up when my alarm went off but couldn't get out of bed for another half hour, giving me only 45 minutes to get myself, and four children dressed and fed so that they could go next door while I sped over to my apt a few minutes late. So I missed taking my pills. But I told myself to take them when I got home. After I talked to my neighbour, then my Hunny, then my mom. Don't forget. Right! Lunchtime. Naptime for Rhys. Alright, let's all go out and do my errands while I feel up to it! Is it dinnertime already? Oh no!!!! Guess what I forgot? So let's just say that today is a very very crummy day indeed for me.

Why can't I remember simple tasks? Sheesh! Have you ever met someone so forgetful? I've tried to talk to friends about it, feeling surely I must not be the only one. But nope, it turns out I am! Wow! My friend informed that in the 18 years she's taken a medication, she has never once forgotten to take it!!!! I can't even go a whole week it seems! Not knowing this happened to me today, both my Hunny and my Mom suggested in two separate occassions that maybe I need to get those "daily pill reminders". You know, where the pharmacist blister packages all your pills into a calendar chart for you. On each day, you pop open the bubble, take your meds, then move on. But my issue is that I'll likely forget THAT as well!!! The problem is that I don't just forget to take one of the meds, but ALL of them!!! They're all in the same place, and I go there every day. *sigh*

*banging head on table*

To finish my question above: the hardest part of having a broken thyroid is that once it's out and you're going through a Rough Patch, it's a cycle and it's VERY hard to pull yourself out of it. And every day it just feels worse.

three weeks ago..

Sorry I've been a bit quiet lately. I pop in here every night, as a ritual, to check out my blogroll. But I haven't posted b/c my mind doesn't want me to. It's not that I don't have anything to say. I've got a list of things I want to say! I just don't have it in me.

My thyroid is "out" again. *sigh*

Three weeks ago, I was on a GOOD dose of my synthyroid meds. I was happy(er). I could handle things. I was doing Better. But then I got a phone call from the doctor's office. Turns out my doctor wants to see me. (oops, I'm not allowed to call him "my doctor". He's my friend's doctor, and since she "set me up" with him, it's still HER doctor. He just happens to be the same one I see, that's all! LOL) The results of my blood test were back and it turns out that my levels were too high and I needed to go down a bit.

Three weeks ago, I was doing well. Good. Better. Happier.

Now I'm grouchy, don't sleep, anxious, hormonal (just ask AF who won't pack up and leave!!!), aggitated, forgetful, and down-right Depressed. And the days are starting to feel worse. Today it took all I could from Staying OUT of bed. I got up once, ate breakfast, went back to bed, got up again, made lunch, and then decided that I'd better do something...but nothing too drastic that needed too much thinking (like driving far!) or I'd be back in bed. So I took the kids to the library! That was fun! Rhys enjoyed inch-worming his way across the carpet! (Carpet? What a luxury! We just have wood flooring in our house!) We left with 27 books an hour later... and when Abi walked out with her own pile of 10 (most chapter books, with the spine sticker label "J", signifying a Junior Novel, not a Children's anymore...but not quite a Young Adult's yet) a girl around her age said to her mother, "look how many books she has!" And her mother replied, "She must like to read!" I beamed. (to myself of course. They weren't looking at me.) I wanted to say airily, "oh, yes, all my children like to read! All the time!" *roll eyes* I only mean it in a proud way. Of course. Not in the mean-spirited bragging way it sounds.

I got my blood work done again today, and have made a followup apointment with The Doctor I See for Friday. I've got everything crossed (except my eyes b/c that makes me dizzy) that he'll see something is OFF when he sees the report. I've been dying to see him since day two of my new meds! My Old Doctor, she was of the opinion that it takes a good 6 weeks to see any results in medications. My hormones would beg to differ. Actually, all of me would!

So tomorrow, I've decided to self medicate. Which sounds dangerous and silly all at the same time. Self medicate? Is that even the right terminology? Whatever. I'm upping my dose myself. Back to the one that made me feel Better. Good. Happy. Coping. The funnier thing is that I've got a lot of people suggesting that I do just that! Shouldn't this be a concerning thing? Shouldn't we be avising others to wait for a Professional's opinion first? But then again, this is also from some people who offer me their perscription Tylenol with codeine meds when I'm in a bad pain!!! LOL I have such giving friends! *smile*

I just want to go back to the way I felt three weeks ago. That's all. Just a simple request.

struggling

Have you ever been so fatigued that you can't breathe? Or so tired your stomach is in turmoil? Or so exhausted your mind swirls in dizziness? Or so drained that your body feels weak? Or so tired that you sit on the floor and start to cry --even though you don't know why?

This is what I deal with. This is the depth my exhaustion has hit for the past 3 days. This is what I'm trying to get a doctor to see, my family to see, my friends to see. Something is WRONG.

I can't see straight. I can't concentrate on simple tasks like finishing sentances. I can't focus.

And the worst part? I can't even sleep. It took all I could do to stay alert yesterday and to keep myself busy despite the dizziness, breathlessness and achiness. Yet when bedtime finally rolled around for me and I gladly lay in bed, I couldn't fall asleep.

Why does no one understand?

I just want it to be over. If this is Truely what my life is about....

This constant fatigue is going to kill me.

*untitled*

broken.

lost.

confused.

flustered.

lonely.

failing.

powerless.

unfocused.

sorrowful.

guilty.

lied to.

stuck.

afraid.

pent up.

depressed.

Depression……

Is it "evil spirits"? "Mental imbalance"? "Demonic"? It is an oft misunderstood issue. Can you be "cured" by just having Faith? Exercising? (does anyone remember Tom Cruise's rant on PPD? Oh, don't even get me started….) Laughing more? Is it a mind-over-matter thing? If I Really Believed, would I be healed? Is this because of lack of True faith? Do I not believe He has the power?

I know that my relationship falters during this, but my faith is intact. Do I believe in Him? Yes. Whole heartedly. Do I believe in His power to heal and do miracles? Yes. My faith isn't the issue. Or is it? Do I Really believe He'll heal me? Donno. I know He can, I do not doubt. But what if it isn't a part of His plan for me? Maybe this is my trial. My "thorn in the flesh".

Maybe if it's more than just about faith. My belief isn't the issue, it's my relationship. I can't focus. I can't pray. I can't think. I try; I really do. But nothing. I feel nothing.

So it is mental; a chemical imbalance? Medical proof shows that is real. So if I take my meds all should be fine, right? So why aren't they? How do I get to the point where I no longer need meds?

Am I a mixture of being mentally imbalanced and also having to fight Demons? Are they connected? How do I possibly win? Where do I start?

"There is no fear in love, for perfect love casts out fear" ~i John 4:18
"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." ~Galatians 5:19-23

Am I without love? Do I lack the Spirit? What is this affliction? Why do I have fear? Where is my Joy, my peace and love and patience?

I just finished reading a wonderful book called "Prison to Praise" by Merlin Carothers about this man who started his early army career doing prison time and ended up becoming a chaplain for the army. In it, he talks about how God lead him to understand the whole "Give Praise in EVERY circumstance". I was really challenged by it. Well, at first I wasn't. I wasn't hard to thank God for things I thought were "tough"…like my strong-willed child, and my screwed up thyroid. But then along came today.

How do I thank Him for THIS???? "Thanks for my mental illness." ???? I feel like I'm mocking or being sarcastic. "thanks that I feel like crap? Thanks that I feel like stone? Thanks that I want to run away?" ???

Thank-you, Father, that I am exactly where you want me to be. Even though I have depression and I feel laden down with no joy and feel like a failure to my children, thank-you. Because I know that even though things are not wonderful, you are still here and you are still caring for me and you are still my God and you are guiding me. Thank-you that I am where you want me to be. Exactly where. THAT is what I am thankful for. I don't know how to be thankful for being depressed and having my emotions out of control and all those other things I stated, but I am trying.

I don't understand depression. I definitely don't understand my body. It lacks the correct chemicals (what is that word for the happy feelings, Julie?) And I allow myself to be lied to on how terrible *I* am because of it. I just want to be able to be In Control again…but maybe I'm not supposed to be. *sigh* It doesn't make sense. Where do I hold back? What do I need to do to take the responsiblity and control I need?

Right now I just feel bogged down and I can't think straight.