August, the buzz kill

So August hits and suddenly TV commercials feel the need to start telling you that "summer's almost over!" I'm listening to them and thinking, "No, no, it's really not!" But it insists. And I'm starting to freak out! I'm not ready for summer to be done. I'm not all summered out yet! I haven't done half of what I wanted to do.

But here we are, halfway through the month already, and we're started our back-to-school shopping and we've got September appointments booked and we're looking ahead and trying to sort things out.  I mean, you have to, right? You can't just step into September like it's any other month --well, unless you have no school-aged children, then by all means. But generally speaking, you spend part of August planning for the Fall.

And it's sad.

August really is the buzz kill of summer. I read it last week as "the Sunday of Summer." You know, the last day of fun.

You're stuck between the guilt and sadness of plans that didn't work out and wanting to stuff more into your weeks, but also being restrained by time and budget. Can we afford another big fun event? Should we go somewhere? What can we do to make the most of August?

I would still like to go camping once more (we had to cancel our week-long trip due to appointments, but maybe a weekend would suffice.) And go to a beach or lake. And have a few more get togethers and BBQs with friends.

What do you do to make your summer last?

Falling Through the Cracks

We fired our paediatrician this year. Her ruining our referral for an assessment at Sunnyhill did it for us.  When we approached our initial appointment with the new paediatrician last month, I tried to gather up all the necessary information so he could be caught up on Rhys. I didn't want to have to go through tons of paperwork or do unnecessary testing that would put us back by several months. I already feel we are behind! So I got my Rhys Binder together and went through my last notes to see what would be the most important to mention. I never know if I will have to spend the time trying to convince the doctor of our need for further assessment or if our words will be enough.

Prior to the appointment, I asked Rhys' teacher and the SEA in the classroom if they could put together a letter for us to give to the pediatrician. It was handed to me on the last day of classes before Spring Break and put together with help from the Special Education Coordinator.  It was an interesting letter. Most of it I already knew about, but some threw me off, and some parts made me actually laugh out loud.

It mentioned how he "presents physically, socially, and academically as being younger than his kindergarten peers", specifically pointing out that he can do and say things that "are innapropriate or that his peers find odd." (he does not understand personal space, and likes to dance and hit his bottom---that makes me laugh, but it's uncomfortable to people.)  His speech is still very unclear and he is learning at a slower pace than his classmates.

There was a noted incident where the class did a skipping activity and he couldn't do it and he fell. The ability to skip is a skill that he has only gained last year in preschool, so he has not mastered it yet; he is still working on his balance.  It was pointed out that his reaction time to break his fall is slow, so when he stumbles, the fall can be quite hard. I hadn't thought of that before, but it makes sense.  It explains all of the times he's cried and cried over a "simple" fall--it may not have been so simple for him.

What made me laugh was when his preschool teacher described him as "oddly optimistic". What does that mean? I guess he can be a bit more enthusiastic than necessary.

What frustrated me was the I have two pages of how Rhys is different than his peers and is struggling, yet no teacher or SEA has talked to me directly about it. I have tried to open up a dialog with them though, but things haven't gone far. Yet I read: "the challenges in these areas are directly effecting his progress academically and his ability to interact socially with peers in a meaningful way." So why are they not meeting with me about it?  Why have they not brought up ideas or suggestions?  Why have they not done their own assessment?


Just before Christmas break, his teacher mentioned about him "falling through the cracks." How true that is.  He is behind in many areas, but he doesn't need an aide in the classroom all of the time, yet he does need more one-on-one attention.  I can see how he misses out when they don't know where he fits.


When we met with the new pediatrician, he used those same words.  That it seemed that Rhys was "falling through the cracks."  He is gaining skills, but behind in many, but not so far behind that he obviously needs help. It's hard for me. I hate to think that instead of Rhys getting the help he needs, he may be seen as disruptive or a troublemaker by the teachers when he gets older.

Our new pediatrician is going to talk to Sunnyhill and see about us getting an assesment done, but he wasn't too sure if there was a cut-off age. I didn't see one online, so I hope there isn't.  It would seem so unfair if they didn't accept his case, since we were on that wait list at age five and still in preschool, and it was the old pediatrician's fault we weren't anymore.  It also would seem strange to have an age limit since some of these delayments come out more in the first years of school.  Hopefully we will hear something soon.

He also mentioned a group called TIDE BC. They are out of BCCH and work along with Genetics. The goal is to see if therapy would help offset some delayments in children, decrease that gap, and maybe increase some skills. A lot of it went over my head during our appointment, but when I looked them up online, I felt some hope and excitement. Wouldn't it be wonderful if this team of researchers and specialists were able to find some sort of treatment that would help Rhys?  We haven't heard from Genetics yet though, regarding any test results, so I don't know if they even found anything or were even able to get anything from the bloodtests. (I can only assume that silence means that there is nothing to discuss.) The doctor wasn't even sure if we would be a good candidate for TIDE BC, but hopefully someone will find our case interesting enough to work on!

It's hard when you have teachers and doctors telling you that your child is falling through the cracks and getting further behind but they can't seem to do anything about it.  It's frustrating and disheartening. But I am trying to be hopeful that we will get somewhere with this new pediatrician. I know that there are options out there, at least.

Incident on the playground

When I picked up Rhys from kindergarten today, his teacher told me there was an "incident on the playground" which left him with a scratched face. I didn't think much of it; he must've fallen. He trips easily. But after half an hour I thought it looked suspiciously like scratches from a hand. 

Sure enough, when I asked him, he said one of his classmates did it. But he couldn't really remember a lot of the incident (part of his delayment issues come from lack of memory and ability to explain or speak properly), so I don't know what happened. Something about the girl being tagged or not being tagged while they were playing on the playground. (it was just the two of them, plus another boy, during free play. The rest of the class was inside the room, which is steps from the playground. So no adult witnessed this either.)


Sadly, this girl has been rough with him a few times.  I'm not too sure what to do about it. I want to mention it to the girl's parents, but I also don't want to come out as if Rhys was completely innocent in it either, since I don't know if he was.  Did he say something to her? Was he being mean? Did he shove her or retaliate? Not that that excuses her scratching in any way, but it does make it less of a 'your girl is beating up my boy' and more of a 'our children don't get along' thing.  I've never had to deal with this in the other kids.  

It makes me sad because he is a sweetheart. It also makes me frustrated that it is shrugged off by the teacher.  He already talks about how one girl (a different one than this one) is mean to him and always shoving him!  And I don't understand why.  Is he doing something? What causes them to shove him? (the two girls seem to like to do this) My poor boy, who can't explain himself very well.

My bra tried to kill me

My day started out as most mornings go. I begrudgingly got up to the alarm and I wake the kids; I help get breakfast for the boys and encourage the Olders to eat while they can. I remind them to pack their lunches in their backpacks and help search for missing shoes and then I send them on their way to school. After an hour (sometimes more), and definitely after a tea, I finally get around to getting dressed. It was as I was changing into my shirt and my bra that the pain arrived.

I love my new bra (and my Hunny who bought me a whole bunch of expensive under-things. I haven't spent that much money on these things in years--the joys of being a mom!) I love how it fits and makes me feel.  However, these feelings of typical comfort and sexiness was not to be today. Instead, my chest felt compressed, as if in a vice. Instead, it felt tight and bound.

Pain started in my sternum and I felt breathless within minutes of putting on that new and beautiful bra. So much so that I had to take it off.  I'd like to say that the pain left soon after, but that was only wishful thinking. The pain moved up my sternum and radiated to both sides of my chest, with a crushing grip. It felt as though I was in an incredibly tight bear hug.

I am thankful that I have a diagnosis of Tietze Syndrome and can see the symptoms and know how to deal with them, although I've never had my bra bring on a flare up. That sucked.

Actually, I disagree with the doctor on the Tietze diagnosis and feel it is more likely Costochondritis.  Tietze is painful inflamation of the ribs and cartilage in the upper chest, often effecting the second and third ribs, causing swelling. Costo is painful inflamation of the joints between the cartilages that joins the ribs. The pain can be felt all over the chest and into the shoulders, and is "sharp and stabbing in nature." (hmm...that sounds familiar)

And, yes, that picture (which I got off of a Costo support group on FB) really IS what it feels like.  Whenever I get a flare up, I often wish I could rip open my chest! It hurts. It hurts to move, and to breathe. It generally really really sucks.

Hopefully this pain will not last long. That would be nice.

I don't have a diagnosis of FM, but I did have a Rheumatologist tell me years ago (when I was suffering with a painful back) that I "most likely" have it, but it's too early to tell for sure. I'm not too sure if I do or do not, but I do have many of the trigger points, just not all. I'm not too worried about it, since, well, I have other health mysteries to figure out! But I wanted to add the picture above to show you the symptoms of Costo.

*just to clarify, costo and tietze are incredibly similar. A lot of doctors still think they are the same. But in Tietze, you have swelling along with the cartilege pain. You don't have that with Costo. I am still trying to see if there are other symptoms and if I do actually have swelling. (I haven't noticed yet)

The nice thing about both is that doctors (and the internet) wants you to believe that it only lasts for a few weeks. Okay, that's only nice if it were true. I think that it can be true, depending on what caused it. If you were given a diagnosis of it after a sports injury, then yes, there is a chance you can recover completely just fine. However, most of us with this, have it due to an autoimmune issue. (which is why many will also have other health concerns, such as FM or even Hypothyroidism, like me.) But the other other nice thing is that the severe pain comes and goes. You can have a flare up (like me), and you will be in a lot of chest pain, but it will eventually settle for a bit. But it will come back. But at least you have that break for a bit.

I'm waiting for that break again. It's been three days now.

Incomplete Referral

I received a letter from  Sunny Hill Development Centre this week. For a moment I actually thought that maybe, just maybe, our pediatrician sent in a referral form again without seeing us...sort of like a Christmas Miracle...and we were getting confirmation.  But, yeah, that wasn't it. It was another notice to let us know that the Referral was Incomplete and they aren't able to do anything for us until they receive these papers. This was the second request they have sent, the first one being in November 2013. *sigh*  I remember receiving the first one, in January of this year, and thinking that I'd be able to let the doctor do her part on her own, only to talk to the Centre in July and learned that they Closed our file before it could even really be opened. It was so disappointing.

Ever since then, we've been given the run-around by everyone. Our own family doctor is trying to help us out where she can, by talking to Sunny Hill and by sending off a letter professionally suggesting that the doctor should help us out and get those files sent, but she can only do so much. Unfortuately, those forms need to be filled out by a specialist.

We did have the pediatrician's office call me last month letting me know that it wasn't their fault that the forms weren't filled out correctly, but the locum doctor who was on while our ped was on maternity leave. She filled them out in August of 2013. However, the first notice from Sunny Hill was sent in November, when our pediatrician was back at work full time, making it her fault for not following up.

We were told, however, that she would fill the forms out again and send them off for us, but we had to get a referral from our family doctor to see her first and she'd do have to do another check up on Rhys, since it has been a year since we've been there. 

I told my doctor, who supposedly sent off that referral, but we haven't heard anything back yet.

After this letter, I am feeling so done with this pediatrician.  We haven't liked her since the beginning when she was caring for Kai in 2004-05, but I stuck with her because it was easier than finding a new doctor and having to go through the whole process all over again.  But I have decided to get over those feelings of misplaced loyalty. When I saw our family doctor this week and showed her the letter, I requested a new pediatrician. I will ask at Dr Tandan's office for our files. Hopefully 2015 will get us somewhere.  All we want is an assessment done on Rhys!

He is doing so well in Kindergarten and does fit in well there; in fact he is blossoming! He is full of excitement and energy and loves to go!  I don't have any doubts with him being there at all!  

At our parent-teacher interview in November, the teacher talked of how he loves school, and is helpful and offers to help out a lot (we see that at home too). He loves to give hugs, but he is learning to do high-fives more (remember our Speech Therapist saying he needed to work on that? it was sad, but it's gotten better!), although he has no concept of personal space! haha. Don't we know it! Her report was written very positive, but she mentioned how he "can be silly" and sometimes he goes off task at carpet time, so he's a bit delayed in that way. As well as in Speech. I'm not too sure what they will do about that yet. We haven't heard from the Education Assistant yet, but I will be meeting with her in the new year. He is starting to remember names and letters too, but not nearly as many as he should be. But I am so happy with how much he has gained already since starting school full time!

Sometimes I want to pretend all is fine and normal with him, but there are signs that make him "different", and I don't know how to help him. He isn't doing "too bad". But these things need to be addressed before he gets too old and they can't be.

what I've been up to lately

I've been gone a bit, haven't I? Or maybe you hadn't noticed. No big deal.

Funny story...

I have a huge storage container full of scrapbooking/cardmaking supplies that I just do not need anymore. A lot of it from Stampin' Up: retired stamp sets, brand new sets, tools, paper. you name it! I pulled it out of my collection with the hopes of selling it off to make some money. Except that it just hasn't seemed to work well yet. I wasn't able to sell much at all at our yard sale in the summer, and I haven't gotten around to posting it on those swap sites, and when I posted some to the auction sites on FB, they didn't sell. To say I've been frustrated would explain it well!

I came across a post on one of the craft swap pages on FB that was looking for interest in a craft fair for people to barter their items and I was all for it! Maybe this was the way to get rid of my huge stash and make some money for the holidays! The price on the table was good, so I was interested.  However, I began to realize this wasn't going to be one of those types of swap fairs, but an actual craft fair with handmade items and artisans and such. Which posed a question: what would I offer? I have scads of cards laying around, and still plenty of ideas in my head, so that was a route I could take.  Or I could make something entirely new.

Without even knowing for sure, I jumped in and paid for a table!

I was giddy. I was full of enthusiasm.  And I roped my Dad into it as well!  We decided to work on items and do this fair together. Oh, and just to make it more exciting, we only had one month to figure this out!!!

Apparently, I like to live in that eleventh hour....


You can read part two HERE.

How to help a sick friend without putting an effort out.

  This week, I caught a nasty cold that stuffed my sinus', ached my muscles and gave me migraines, and even though I was handling things okay for the most part, I felt bad for my kids. I couldn't do anything for them and we couldn't go out and it was basically just a weekend of tv watching instead of fun trips like I had planned. Boo!  The Olders could entertain themselves by playing with neighbours, but the Youngers still need someone to watch over them (being only 3 and a delayed-6)  I had posted on FB on Saturday asking if someone wanted to take them since they were so restless, but I was prepared to deal with them myself.("Sure, you can watch fifteen more episodes of Dora and Diego!")

It's been said that you find out who your "true friends" are when you ask for help during a sickness, and it's true. Partially.  My parents and mother-in-law wanted to help, but they were also just recovering from colds and didn't want to expose themselves to more sickness. (I was sick, as was Abi. The others were coughing and sneezing with allergies, but didn't get it like we did. Thankfully)

And I get that. I really do.

I did find out who my "true friends" were and it was a nice surprise. My neighbour, Jenny, offered to pick up stuff for me (like groceries or even just chocolate to keep me going!) and sent over some cold medication for me, which was so wonderful. We were close a few years ago, but then our kids hit a stage where they were hanging out with only their friends and it seemed as though they faught every time they were together, so we didn't see much of eachother either. But I am happy to say that things have settled and has been good again and I am so happy! My friend, Rebecca, also offered to pick up groceries or do anything else I needed, and even called to see if she could take the Youngers for me. (it ended up being at dinnertime and I had things sorted out, so it was too late, but she took the time to call and ask and it was genuine, instead of just pretending to call all the while knowing it was probably too late!)

As for my "other friends"...

I do not begrudge any of them for not responding. And maybe I am just too forgiving (if there is such a thing), but seriously...I understand Life and how it gets in the way of doing things for others sometimes. I know how sometimes you can't seem to figure out how you can help out when you already have so much on your plate. Suddenly your day goes by so fast and you realize you didn't get to do all on your own list; how could you possibly add someone else' tasks? 

I understand not wanting to come into a germy house and face the chance of infection. Especially if you have young children at home still.  I get the idea of not feeling comfortable taking on childcare too, if you don't know the children very well, or if it's not your gift. I know how you can feel unsure about even how to help.

These are legitimate worries and concerns. They can also be excuses. Are they real reasons or are you avoiding offering help? Sometimes I have to ask myself that honestly too.


I offer you a guilt-free list of ways to help friends who are sick and you just don't know what to do, or just can't help out since your own To Do List is too long, or you want to put a minimum effort but still make it look good:

1. call them to let them know you are thinking of them. tell them you will pray for them. (*this may not always work. praying doesn't get the kids' dinners made, but depending on the friend, it may make them feel better knowing that you do care about their illness.)

2. give flowers. pick them from the side of the road, or a neighbour's yard, or buy them, it doesn't matter. Flowers always look pretty and are a good pick-me-up. send them through someone else if you aren't able to drop them off.

3. drop off a dinner. even if it is something bought like McDonald's (kids love McD!), or oven-pizza, or those handy roast chickens from the grocery store already cooked. But maybe you don't find it difficult to make up an extra helping or two of dinner while you are making up your own, how wonderful!

4. send a get well card (even one from the dollar store will do...even if you think they may be better by the time it arrives). or email one. or even post on their FB a get well message. It doesn't take a lot of effort.

5. drop off a gift. nothing expensive. chocolate. small toy to keep kids occupied. even a movie of your own for them to watch (include popcorn!) or a book. or bubble bath. (baths are cozy when you are sick)

6. offer to pick up their laundry and wash it at your own home if you don't want to go inside their home. If you aren't worried, do their laundry for them while you visit! (feel free to clean up their laundry room too, and organize it!)

7. offer to clean for them. Maybe not deep clean (but wouldn't that be an extra blessing?) but everyone talks about having to clean the house during a sickness, and oddly enough, sick people don't seem to find the energy to do that, so maybe you could? (you could even offer to do this as they are starting to recover, then there is a chance that they will help you out and so you don't have to work as hard!)

8. send over a get-well pack: tissues, Halls or Ricola, hot water pack, chicken noodle soup, Neo Citron (love that stuff), vaporub... you get the idea. If you don't want to do all of it, or can't afford it, then even one is a sweet gesture.

9. offer to pick up/drop off any healthy children to and from school.  Sick people don't like to leave their house, and school is usually outside of the home and requires driving. Sick people shouldn't drive. Sick people like to sleep instead. This would be such a great thing to do!

10. check in after a few days of their sickness and see how they are faring. Maybe they are better and you can rest easy in not having to do anything at all! But calling (because it is nicer than texting, c'mon!) will definitely lift someone's spirits!



Most of these items don't take a lot of time or effort, and most of them don't even require you to enter a germy sick home (you can leave things at the door), but all of them tell your friend that you care and want to help them out! Sick people appreciate that!

If you ask a friend how you can help, to be honest, most will say that they are okay or answer "nothing", but we all know what it's like to be sick! And we can all think of ways that we'd like to relieved when we're sick! We just need to start applying these when our friends come down with colds and flus. 

Be a blessing!  Be intentional!



**to my "other friends"...I really do get it. But next time, you have no excuse!  ...and now neither do I! So we'll both have to try harder and put this into practice!

closed before it was even open

I did a bit of calling around at Sunny Hill Centre to find out about our wait for an assessment.  We were referred some time in the fall and hadn't heard from them aside from a letter in January saying they needed some more paperwork from the doctor, so it was time to find out how things were going. I am so frustrated and disappointed to say that I found out that they closed our file at Sunny Hill before it could even be opened!!! They said that they didn't receive the info they needed from the doctor!

Sunny Hill Centre is a child rehabilitation and development program out of BCCH that we are hoping to have Rhys assessed at. The wait list is longer than a year...and now I have to wait til we get re-referred.

Out of automatic reflex, and our own experience with her, we assumed it was from our pediatrician that it was forgotten. So I called up her office ready to say some words (I ended up being polite, but strained enough to get the displeasure across) and her secretary (is that what they are still called today?) opened up R's file and informed me that they didn't send in the referral! What? oops. Oh yeah. I remember now how it was our family doctor who did it for us in the end, because I wasn't too sure if our pediatrician was going to ever do it or not. So that meant I had to call the family doctor's office. (I admit to being a bit more patient with that phone call. I have known the secretary there for many years and am fond of her) Teresa was surprised to think that they didn't send something out (as was I) and said they would've been reminded to do that. I had to tell her that a letter did go out in January requesting more information; we received the letter, as well as the pediatrician. (I remember wondering then if I needed to call Dr T to remind her to send off the paperwork, but decided that the ped should know how to do that. So even then I was confused at who was in charge with it)  So I was left with the message that they'd look into it. 

I am so disappointed that we are back at the beginning again, and we'll be put at the bottom of the wait list, even though we have been waiting for about 10 months already. I have had a few friends who have suggested that maybe our doctor could try to "pull some strings" and get him in sooner, but I don't know about that. That wouldn't be fair for other children who have been waiting. And I am reminded that while R is more of an almost-five year old than a six year old, and that he has always been a year + behind in growth, that he isn't doing too bad. He fits in well with the kids entering kindergarten, and he hasn't needed help in class in preschool. So I struggle with thinking he needs to pushed ahead of the wait list. An apology from Dr C would be nice though, a sheepish 'oops'. Maybe I'm too forgiving? But I guess there really isn't anything I can do about this mistake, except wait. Again.

reno nightmares

We started home renos a few months ago. We have lived in our house for 11 years now and so it was time to replace and update a few things. The first being our kitchen. It was gutted and remodeled when we first moved in, but things needed to be replaced (the dishwasher and fridge definitely was top of that list) We also knew we'd need to redo our deck again (it's tough being in full sun, so the paint chips often), and were deciding what to do for that when other things happened. 

Such as.......a car hit our house!!!

Yes, really.

 


This happened at 2:45am in May, over the Long Weekend. The road curves near our house but the BMW did not. We woke up to a loud BAM! then we hear the car drive away, (which pisses me off), so we rush out onto our deck. We see the car drive down the road dragging something, and ask our neighbour (who also got up) what happened, and Steve tells us, "He hit your house!"

What???

The car hit right at the corner of our garage/deck, which freaks me out, since we are standing on it!  It was quite a surprise to think of. You could see these perfect car tire lines across the neighbour's lawn heading straight to our house. It missed their vehicle by just a fraction!  Meanwhile, it smashed into the utility trailer that was parked beside the house (filled with reno debris that would need to be taken to the dump), and pushed it a good 10 feet into our garage.

 
Thankfully our neighbour called 9-1-1 and the police came out. Thankfully, the car didn't get very far down the road and the police found them easily. (it turned out it was our tarp that they were dragging) Thankfully, the house itself wasn't hit and no one was hurt. (just the garage badly damaged)  But man! It has been quite the journey!

 

 

 At 4:30am or so, a woman brought her teen daughter to see the damage done to our house. (it was her BMW, or rather her fathers', but she was just the passenger) They were both tearful and shocked and apologized. Many times. What can you say?  We felt it only made sense to offer forgiveness.  And then as they were leaving, I felt the need to offer the mom a hug and to let her know that we believed in a God who heals all things. My Mom-heart ached at what her mom-heart must be dealing with. (her teen possibly drinking, the accident, the car being damaged, damaging someone else' house, the endless what if's....)

The next day, around 1:30 maybe (I guess it technically was the same day), a young guy walked up to our house, looking very humbled and he tearfully apologized as well. He was the driver and he said, "I thought I was okay to drive," but he didn't notice the road turned. (I used that as a good example to my kids on the dangers of drinking. You can't always be sure of your abilities or lack of them when you drink too much.) We offered our forgiveness as well and I hugged him too. (oh, my sentimental mom-ness!)

People have commented on us forgiving them, but we felt that was the right response. Sure, we could be angry and we could yell and we could demand justice and jail time (the boy only has his N, for New Driver, which has conditions that he obviously ignored. He was given a suspension and the police officer told us that it will be many many years before he gets his full drivers' license. Not to mention the underage drinking, the damage, the leaving the scene of an accident..he'll have several fines to pay.)  But we also figured that is what the police did and that's what they heard from their parents. What we felt was needed to do was to offer them forgiveness and mercy and freedom from their mistakes. (while still paying consequences put on by their parents and by the law) 

It hasn't been easy dealing with a damaged house and insurance companies. We had to contact ICBC and our own house insurance. For two weeks, our garage was taped off with CAUTION and DANGER tape, and a huge black tarp. Lovely.  We loved having the neighbourhood see our utility trailer sticking out of our garage. (hey, it did get us out and talking to more neighbours though) But finally it is all cleaned up and the trailer removed; it is all boarded up right now. Yay.  The house insurance company sent out Belfor, a restoration company, to assess the damage, etc, but they had to have a Structural Engineer out to check it out first, which took a week.  Sheesh.

After all is said and done, the Structural beam is twisted and will need to be replaced. Plus the footings need to be replaced. (the BMW knocked out the cement wall in two places and that will need to be replaced.) And it was discovered that the foundation wasn't done properly when it was first built, so that needs to be re-done. Oh, and now we'll need new siding too, and a new garage door. And that's just the garage. We'll need to still do the deck this summer!

It's been a slight nightmare!

On top of it, Belfor pointed out that there will be some permit issues.  So it's been a bit stressful as we wait for things to move forward, and for decisions to be made.   

(this is the inside of our garage. It looks terrible! A lot of Hunny's tools and equipment were shoved and knocked over, but thankfully none were badly damaged.  His Sheer actually survived, and his Table Saw, underneath it all, actually was fixable as well. Kai had fun posing with the mess!)

The funny thing is that when it first happened, Hunny and I laughed. We were wondering how we would re-do our deck with no budget. We laughed at how God worked it out for us to get that deck done. He's funny that way!  We're getting money from the insurance company which will cover the cost for the renos, thankfully. It's just been a slow and confusing process. Until we get to start on things, our garage is boarded up. 

overwhelmed

I am trying to rest and de-stress by listening to music and writing. Everything was fine this morning, other than the kids being restless and getting on each other's nerves, that is. But then suddenly everything was happening at once. Kids fighting, kids asking for things, spills on the floor, 4 texts at once to answer, phone ringing, lunch to make, conversations all going on at once and I couldn't focus or follow anything. Argh!

Overwhelmed.

We have so much going on that I don't know where to start. But a nap sounds good! (I wish!)

It is a few days until school starts again. I am feeling sad to think of summer being over, and knowing that my house will be quiet....and don't get me started on the early mornings again! But the kids are restless this week, so they are ready for something new again.

Why is life so damn expensive?
School supplies, shoes and clothes, school tuition, food, gas....we are fast approaching our expensive season, which begins the end of August in the preparation of school. September is filled with sudden school expenses like hot lunches and class pictures. Then we have birthdays and the beginning of Christmas buying. *sigh*  Our stress feels higher at the beginning of Autumn. It feels new and full of promise in Spring. And even when expenses put things on hold in Summer, there is still the hope of "another day" to get things done. But Autumn and Winter tells us to "hurry, you're running out of time, it needs to be done now." And I resent it because I love Fall so much. :(

Deep breaths.

Inside I feel all angsty, like there is a battle going on. I am trying to search for answers and find some peace and I am longing to lean on Him in trust, but the struggle continues. I feel like things are going to change and that there needs to be a change, but I don't know what or where. It's like being in the eye of the hurricane. It's calm and things are going well, but all around me I can see disruptions and chaos, and I fear it's going to hit me soon.

Or maybe all this overwhelming stress is the hurricane and I'm almost out of it. Soon there will be complete peace and I can sit and breathe and think clearly. Not because I'm in the Eye, but because it's done and settled.

We had our children's schooling figured out last week. It was a simple phone call, that's all it took. It was so underwhelming that I felt anxiety over it! I had spent my summer weighing options, being filled with worry, praying for solutions, discussing ideas, being held back by this One.Big.Thing. And it was solved in one minute!  I admit that I would've liked it to have taken a bit more work, more discussing, more laying out our plans. Maybe even a bit more excitement all around.

To have it solved is a huge blessing and a weight off our shoulders, but it took up so much of my mind that I don't know what to do with myself. The ideas we had thought up, what happens to those? I wish it were so easy to dismiss it all like others have with the enthusiastic, "Hooray! That's great! God is good!" but it is taking me a bit longer to find the strength and the trust, I guess. I feel like I'm doubting a gift and that makes me feel even worse!

 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.    ~Galations 5:22, 23

I need those fruits right now.

*stop thinking so much! **Alt title: how to solve your pressing issues

I have decided that from now on, whenever I need to think on something that I should just have a nap. Whether or not it be something as simple as deciding to bake cookies or to organize a drawer, of if it's something I need to remember such as 'why did I enter this room?' The answer lies in me laying down in the pretense of going to sleep, because that is when my brain seems to work the most.

GAH!

My body is tired. My eyes are so sleepy they don't want to stay open. I need to go to bed. So I get my weary self down the hall, mechanically brush my teeth, turn off all the lights and stumble to my bed (memo to self--you really need to clean your bedroom floor) and crawl under the covers (after I've snatched some back from Hunny, who is an Early Bird to my Night Owl) and BAM! Suddenly I remember all the things that I forgot to do that day! I can now compose several emails, blog posts, letters and FB status'! I start thinking up wonderful ideas on de-cluttering rooms in my house! My mind is at an information overload and I debate on whether this stuff is important enough to climb out of bed for to write down (sometimes it is) or if I should just roll over and attempt to think sleepy thought (good luck)

Dumb brain. Thinking too much. Don't you know it's bedtime? You've had all day to be brilliant, it's too late now!

grr.

One sheep, two sheep, three sheep, four....

What we need to know about modesty

I read this blog piece a few weeks ago and was so touched by it that it ran through my head a few times. I knew I wanted to put it up on my blog too, but I just didn't know what to say. How do I add to the words that were already written? How can I even attempt to make my words more when she's said it so well?

To say that it got me thinking is an understatement! The funny thing is that I had often thought these things myself yet still fell into the typical thought process we are fed. It's all our fault. We need to do more to protect ourselves. We are 'asking for it' if we aren't careful. But it's ridiculous and it needs to stop!

The author mentions the most common argument that Christians use in how we are taught to dress: that a woman ought to cover herself up lest she cause a man to stumble and fall. Then she mentions four ways that that line of thinking is incorrect. You really should read it! Highlighted here: it is legalistic, it objectifies women, it is spiritually weak, and it "paves the way for victim blaming and rape culture". I hadn't thought of those before, but wow.  She says that we are sending a message to boys that they are "untamable animals, subject to their bodies desires".

THANK-YOU! 

I have always felt that it was misleading the way we are teaching our girls. Yes, I do believe we should dress appropriately and that we shouldn't be showing off our bodies or attracting attention in a negative way. (I've been teaching Abi lately about how a girl can use her clothes to portray different stories. Certain clothes will give a certain thought to people. I tell her that the girl may be a great friend and be fun and not intend to give the message people see, but sadly her clothes speak for her, and we need to be aware of that as women.)  But (and it's a big one) why aren't we also teaching our boys to behave properly???  I see it all the time, and it's so common, and it starts way in infancy. When our boys start off with an easy out excuse: boys will be boys.

 I remember talking to my BFF when she was pregnant and she would get dumb remarks from people: "oh, you better hope it's a boy! a girl can come home pregnant!"  For one, what an idiotic thing to say! Two, why would I teach my boy to not be responsible if he did get his girlfriend pregnant? why would it be acceptable to just 'come home'? Three, why would my girl be coming home pregnant? ARGH! We both got irked by those type of comments!

http://www.imperfecthomemaking.com/2013/07/what-our-daughters-and-sons-need-to.html 

This line of thinking is what gets us into the troubles we are having today with our youth and social media and the rape culture.  When boys will be boys and sexually assault and humiliate our girls. When images are shared amongst eachother with no thoughts of consequences and of anyone else.  We need to be teaching responsibility to ALL of our children. Proper etiquette. Caring for others. Standing up for what's right. Honoring God with our bodies.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Colossians 3:12 



**related reading: hurt heart,    she wore an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka-dot bikini

dead ends?

I feel a bit on edge lately. Not quite stressed, but no where near relaxed either. It feels like my life is on the verge of changing, but into what I don't know. So many things are close to the end, but there are no side roads or street lights and no signs for alternate directions, just a dead end. And I'm stumped.

Right now, things are up in the air for my children's schooling....will they return to the school they've only known and that I am very attached to after 7 years? Will I be starting up something completely different, like, gasp, homeschooling?  What about Rhys? He is supposed to start preschool (which he is actually very excited about. Last year at this time, he was terrified at the idea! Yay for a year's change!) but will it even work out if the Olders have to change? *sigh* And, did I mention that school starts in 3 weeks?

Things are at an end with SU as well, and it saddens me. Friends who used to stamp and scrapbook have moved on to other things, it appears. I know! WTFroot? How do you stop being crafty???? So with no customers, it's not much of a business. *sigh*  I'm trying to decide what to do. I'm not able to go back to the workforce with Eden only being two. Sure, there are plenty of part-time jobs in retail and such for me (which is all I'm really qualified for. I worked retail after highschool and was a Store Manager of Claire's, which I am very proud of, thank-you very much. But that was over 10 years ago. I went on maternity leave and didn't come back.) but to do that means either putting E into day care (and R part time) or I do evenings/weekends, which means that Hunny can't get any work done.  (men truely are terrible at multitasking. grr.) I want to be able to help "provide" for the family, but I'm not too sure how yet. There are so many different things I want to do that I can't decide which way to go! GAH! I wish my brain didn't think so much!!!!

I'm trying to be patient and trust in God. I know that His ways are good and that whatever happens, where ever we are lead, is all a part of His plan. But that hasn't quite given me enough comfort yet. I wish I could say that was all I needed to be assured of, but not having ANY clue as to which way to go is quite daunting. It would be different if our alternative plans were ones we were excited about, but instead they really are our second options. And it would be much easier if I could even hear a whisper of His "still, small voice." But instead we have to stand here and wait.

I guess that means the only possible solution is to keep doing what we're doing. But that doesn't seem like much at all right now. It's hard to prepare when you don't know what you're preparing for!

hurt heart

I found myself crying again today for a girl I don't know and will never get to meet. The story of Rehtaeh Parsons has really shaken me ever since I first heard it months ago.  I feel such anger at how she was abandoned by her own peers and by the police, and I feel incredible sorrow that  the pain she carried brought her to her death. I wonder how anyone could think it was acceptable or justified to ever humiliate, degrade, take advantage of, molest and lie about a fellow peer. She wasn't a stranger to these boys, she was a student, could've been a friend, yet they treated her like some object they could discard. And it hurts my heart.

What hurts more is that it sounds like she was completely alone in all of this. I have yet to hear of any friends who supported her or stood by her or tried to dispel any rumours. Did the one friend who took her to the boy's house really not remember the events well enough to connect that she was absolutely drunk and not able to walk on her own? My friends and I had made a pact that we were to watch out for each other when we drank. One of us was a little more susceptible to poor choices when she drank, so we needed to watch for her the most, which meant checking up on her, not letting her go anywhere alone and taking away her car keys. It's a shame that this 'friend' didn't have the same values, and that her mom didn't help either. How do you see a drunk girl and not worry about what is going on? Even if she were sober enough to consent, as a mother I would've insisted she come back home, as I was the one who was responsible for her (since she was staying at my house for the night with my daughter, that is) It's too bad that no one thought of that. That they chose to think that Rehtaeh was the kind of girl who would drink so much that she'd ditch her friend to have sex with two boys she didn't know very well.

 Read Rehtaeh's father, Glen Canning, describe the painful experience here. Read Rehtaeh's Story Then Tell Me She Wasn't Raped.  If you can, read his other pieces too. He's a good writer and a good father. If my heart hurts at what happened to her, how much more his must feel like bursting.

It makes me angry that these boys are only going to be charged with possession of child pornography, and only two of them, when so much more went on. It makes me angry that the police couldn't do anything for Rehtaeh. Or wouldn't. I know that they can't press charges based upon assumption or a one-sided story, and they need some type of proof, but that it took over a year to even make this recent arrest is ridiculous!  How could there not be enough evidence to go on? I am so angry at these boys that I could spit! (and I hate spitting) That they thought what they did was ok. No big deal. A huge joke. That rape was something that is acceptable when a girl drinks too much. It appalls me to think that boys can get together and decide that this is something that would be a fun idea. That not one of them thought it wasn't right. Surely someone in their group of friends, someone in the school, someone they knew, thought  that something wasn't right with this picture. How can every one all think the same way? Did any one mention it to a school counselor or go to the police or even talk to Rehtaeh?


I fear for us as a country where actions like these aren't questioned.  But it happens every day. Boys take what they want and girls get blamed because of the clothes she wears or the amount she drinks.

One of my favourite writers, Ann Voskamp, wrote a blog piece just after the Steubenville rape trial ended that really stuck with me. While it mentions a more well-known case in the US, this still rings true for all of us. She put it perfectly when she wrote,  
When the prevailing thinking is boys will be boys — girls will be garbage.
And that is never the heart of God.
..... 
Unless a man looks to Jesus, a man doesn’t know how to treat a woman.

Her piece is full of the heart of God and how Real Men treat a woman God treasures. (and He treasures us all). After Steubenville: 25 Things our Sons Need to know About Manhood.

We need to change.
We desperately need Him.

doctors, labels and not smart football players

I had a some-what funny conversation with my Dad a week or so ago. He had popped by since he was in the area and visited for half an hour. It was a nice surprise!  He was mentioning that he needed to do a blood test before his doctors appointment that week. I said I had to do a test on Rhys before his appointment next week as well. My Dad wanted to know why he needed to go to the pediatrician, so I said it was because he's delayed and we wanted to know why. His response was "So what? Some kids are not as smart as others."  Uhm....ok. Thanks Dad, that's great.  "He can play football. They're not very smart!" *snicker* Ok, good to know!

Yeah. My Dad comes from Old School thinking.

I think it's great that he can be so accepting that my son may not be as "smart as others", but this isn't about his intellegence, it's about his being behind by a few years. (as Hunny put it.) For me it's about finding out if there is anything we can do for Rhys, and if there is, let's do it now please!

We don't live like our parents did--where handicapped children were just the "retarded sibling" who couldn't do anything and had no chance. Today we have more resources available. And I'd like to use what I can to get Rhys as caught up as possible!

I wasn't offended or hurt by my Dad's comment. I did appreciate that he was so nonchalant about the whole thing and that it wouldn't be a big deal if Rhys were special needs in the end. But it did make me shake my head. I guess it's a good thing I've got 4 other "smart" children! LOL *smile*

It's hard to explain to family and friends who just don't see it as we do. Sure, R is immature, but so what, right?  Maybe they're being kind and making excuses is easier for them. But I made excuses too. It wasn't until I pulled all of his old medical notes and such earlier that I was faced with it. Rhys was at a 30-36ms range when he was 40ms old, according to a Gessel Developmental Stage quiz. (that's 2 1/2-3yrs when he was 3 1/2) I kept saying what everyone else said, "he'll get it one day", or "he has older siblings who help him", and "he's a boy!" But finally I had to stop and realize that he HADN'T caught up. And I don't know if he will or not. He may always be immature, but then finally "get it". I don't know. But as a parent, I need to know what are the expectations. When he screeches at me and wails "nooooo!" at every answer he doesn't want to hear or seem to understand, is this something that I need to correct or is it something that comes with his undiagnosed issue?

In May, Dr T added another label to Rhys' chart. She didn't tell me, of course. I just saw that it was written on the requisition for bloodwork. She wrote that he was FTT (failure to thrive. ugh I hate that title) and GDD. That one made me stop.  I had been looking at Global Developmental Delay for some time, but I had always shrugged it off that I didn't think he was. He could do more than what was listed, I was sure! But then I found this list on Kids Growth, and my heart hurt.

A Global Developmental Delay is a  general term used to describe a condition that occurs during the developmental period of a child's life (birth to age 18).

  

Common signs may include:

• delayed acquisition of milestones: the child is late in sitting up, crawling, walking
• limited reasoning or conceptual abilities
• fine/gross motor difficulties
• poor social skills/judgment
• aggressive behaviour as a coping skill
• communication problems

But since she didn't mention this to me at all, I don't know what to do. What does it mean? What should I be doing? ARGH!

********

This week we had our monthly visit with Dr T, except that it wasn't her, it was her locum; she's off having her 3rd child.  This doctor came from the Children's hospital and had an agreeable disposition which I liked and trusted.  I don't know if I'll see him again though, since he gave us a month off for our next appointment! We don't go back until September! Woohoo! (see, I told you  they are running out of things to do for him!)  The doctor wants me to contact the Centre for Child Development again to make sure we are on the wait list for preschool, just to keep our name out there and to confirm with them that he is attending preschool and not kindergarten.  But I feel torn about this.  See, as much as it would maybe be good to be at the Centre, it just does not fit in with scheduling. The Olders attend school in Langley, and the Centre is in the complete opposite direction in Surrey. There is no possible way I could make it for the morning class, or make it to pick up the Olders from school on time if R were in the afternoon class. Which is why we decided to go with the preschool that is at the school the Olders attend. But I struggled with the thoughts that if we truly were interested in Rhys' best, we'd make it work for him to go to the preschool at the Centre (if we were to get a spot, that is)...oh the Mommy Guilt!

At first, Dr N wanted me to contact the Speech Therapist about getting him back in for a consult. They saw him last in December and said that he was doing fine and that we could take the winter off. They'd contact us again in March. Except they didn't, and I didn't call them either since we were busy with Dr T and he was speaking so much better. (and, frankly I was annoyed with them!) But now he is five and I don't know if he's "graduated" from their program or not, or could he go back since technically he isn't registered at any school for the Fall? (you leave Speech once you start school, so you either graduate and are now at par with your peers, or you seek private ST, which is what we had to do for Kai.) They should've contacted us again since he was turning five and starting kindergarten age, as they like to work hardest on the older kids in the spring. But I'm sure if I call them, they'll make it out to be me who should've called them. *sigh* So I wasn't looking forward to that. But then Dr N decided to not have me call the ST, but to call the Centre. I'm trying to decide which one I'd rather do!

Regarding his stool test, everything is normal. Yay. Not too sure what that means regarding his elevated IgE, but I'm not going to worry about it. So far everything is coming back normal. Which is great in that he's not unhealthy, but it's sad in that we don't have anything else to go on.

*********
In other good news, I FINALLY got a hold of Kai's cardiology reception!  I had only been trying to contact them since the end of May! I had left so many messages on their machine; I was starting to get rather ticked off! I had our doctor fax in our referral to see the cardiologist (and I know that would've been done that afternoon, as her receptionist, Theresa, is good!) and so I was just waiting for a date for our appointment.  Except, things got even more frustrating.

Kai needed refills on his prescriptions. (he's taking Ramipril and Carvedilol currently) but when I called our pharmacy, his one medication had expired! Oh great! So I added that to my message on the cardiologist machine! Two days later. the pharmacist called me to say that they couldn't refill it because our cardiologist was on holidays, and oh, it was time for Kai to go back in for his annual checkup! I admit that I was a *bit* annoyed at the pharmacist for informing me of that, as if it were my fault he hadn't been in and that his prescription expired!  I let her know, somewhat tersely, that I was aware and I had been trying to call since May and hadn't heard back from the doctor's office despite all my messages!  The pharmacist's response was that maybe I needed to go in to the walk-in clinic for a prescription renewal. *sigh*

I did get him an appointment with our regular doctor instead of having to go see someone at a clinic and needing to go over all the little details, ugh!  But then two days after that, the pharmacist called me to let me know that one of the cardiologist's associates approved our medication, yay! Oh! And that afternoon, I finally got a hold of the receptionist! And I was nice and polite and didn't tell her how frustrated I was at her never calling me back! Instead I let her book the appointment for next month (when Dr H is back) in her cheery voice! So at least that is done!!!

new procedures?

This afternoon, I had to call Kai's cardiologist to make an appointment for his annual heart checkup. I have been meaning to do this all month and now this month is almost all used up!  The appointment isn't a huge deal, as it is just the usual: an ECG and an echocardiogram. The doctor will come see us and tell us there isn't much change (at least, I hope so!) and that he may keep his medicine doses the same or he may decide to do another test on him for more information, but so far nothing has given us much at all. His official diagnosis still stands as Left Ventricle Asymptomatic Cardiomyopathy.  We don't know when he got it or even how, but the doctor thinks it's likely from a virus he has as a baby and that we didn't even notice. (how can a virus so unnoticeable to anyone outwardly be so damaging inwardly? how could we not see he was ill? I'll never understand.) But this happened early in his first year, for he stopped gaining weight at 9 months old and the doctor did test after test after test and it was so stressful and so frustrating. Finally a random chest x-ray showed his enlarged heart at 15 months old.

When I called, what was supposed to be the direct line to Dr H's receptionist at BCCH was a general desk I don't even know where, and the receptionist had to transfer my call, since things had changed. That threw me off; I'd have to remember to ask what the new direct line number was. Then I realized she said a different name other than Theresa. Oh no! Is Theresa gone? For just the day or for always? I liked her!

The receptionist I talked to was definitely not Theresa!  When I told her that I needed to book an appointment for my son, she informed me that I needed to have a doctor's referral first. Excuse me? A referral? I let her know that my son had been seeing Dr H for 5 to 7 years now (in fact it's been 8 years already). Her short response was, "I know. You still need a referral."  What? Why? She went to pull Kai's chart and I was sitting on the other end of the line, fuming and feeling confused. So many things came out of my mouth that I wanted to say, but knew I wouldn't because I'm polite and wouldn't likely get the chance. I also knew I should try not to rude right back to her, even though I didn't like her attitude or tone.  When she returned, she said she wasn't too sure which tests Dr H would want to do, but most likely just the echo and ECG, but she'd have to ask him. I still had to go get a referral from my family doctor first though. I'm still insisting that we've been seeing this doctor since Kai was a baby, and I've made appointments every year and I've NEVER had to go get a referral. She disagreed with me, which irked me even more. I ask her how long it's been this way and when did it change? She tells me it's always been this way; I've always needed a referral.  WTH?  I hang up with her, thoroughly confused and agitated. I know my memory is not the best at times, but I know that I have never had to go see my doctor for a referral to see the specialist that we've seen for so long. ...or have I and I just don't remember because it's been a year?

When I call up my family doctor and get connected to her receptionist (another Theresa, whom I love) and tell her of my confusion, she tells me that, yes, it's always been this way! That somehow a referral was always needed and faxed over. 

What is she talking about???

So either my memory is so shot...or she's implying that Dr H's Theresa used to contact my family dr for a referral for me and have them fax it over so we can get in for our annual check up! (without me knowing) I do recall that you DO need a referral to see a specialist if your last appointment had been longer than 6 months apart, (because I remember having to get another one for me to see my rheumetologist years ago) but still, it hadn't occurred to me that this fell under the same rules. It makes sense that it would, I guess. But I am bewildered. I do not ever recall needing to go get a silly referral.

It irks me to think that I would have to pull Kai from school for a few hours, take him to White Rock so the doctor can look at him, just so we can have a referral form faxed for us.  I am hoping that the doctor will not see a need to have us come in and will just do that instead. As it is, his cardiology appointment will take him a day out of school as it is just to go all the way to Vancouver, to the Children's Hospital, for his tests.  (I could wait until he's out of school if I'm so worried he'll miss something *snarf* but then I'd have to take all of the kids with me too, and that would be super stressful. No thanks.)  I'm annoyed that something so simple, something that I've been meaning to do for a while now, has been stretched out and made difficult. It makes me feel frustrated and slightly embarrassed that this piece of info slipped past me...and I got upset with the receptionist over it. Of course she was right! ...but it just didn't sound or feel right. :/

I've been fired!!!

I'm still seeing my group of doctors and my BP is still going up and down. I must admit that I didn't realize your blood pressure can be such a range of numbers. I thought I was so "normal" before, but now it's all over the place; it's hard not to be concerned or stressed! My BP is supposed to be between 80-85 for the diastolic number (the lower one) and yet it fluctuates, and it's hard to not think about what'll happen if it gets too high or too low without me knowing. Especially after my sudden hospitalization two weeks ago!

I saw my regular doctor at the maternity clinic and discovered, yet again, that my BP was lower than it should be. That concerned me, but Dr S shrugged it off, which was frustrating. He also didn't pay much attention to my other concerns and sent me on my way. (such as baby dropping and having pelvic pressure) And that's when I thought, "wait a minute! why am I even still seeing this guy?" So I decided to "fire" him!

He's a good doctor and seems really nice, and he did give me the easiest, quickest and least uncomfortable "womanly visit" exam I've ever had, but he is still just a regular maternity clinic doctor and I have high risk needs to be addressed. If I were a "normal" pregnant woman, I'd have no problem seeing him. But I'm not and frankly, I'm sick of seeing him! That, and the fact that he said my low BP was fine, of course!

Two days after seeing him, I saw my OB, where my BP was in the target range, which surprised and relieved me! I got my Group B Strep Swab done and was told everything was looking good. Baby sounded great, although uncomfortable for me to be lower now, and I'm being seen by a team of specialists and everything is monitored and under control, so Dr G decided to drop a bomb on me. She says she doesn't need to see me anymore!!!

Excuse me?

She says that her job was to get me to 35 weeks and I'm almost there, so there wasn't a need anymore. (I was 33W at the apt)

Excuse me? Am I no longer High Risk? Did I deliver my baby already? After all this work to get in to see an Obstetrician and that's it? She's not going to take me to the end? I don't get it. I can understand her point that things can tend to be done twice with this many doctors (Dr S wants to do the GBS swab on my next week, for example) and that things are going so well for me ---after all, I'm not leaking amniotic fluid or on bed rest (like I was with Rhys) and I technically don't have pre-e (just signs and symptoms of it, but no diagnosis) and I do have everyone possible taking care of me---but if any doctor should be dropped, shouldn't it be the maternity clinic? Since I'm not a regular patient? So much for "firing" Dr S! I think I'm being fired!!!

The doctor did tell me that I can still book appointments with her if I'd like, but I haven't decided what to do yet. (I already have one with Dr S for next week.) A part of me wants to give up and just pretend that it's all normal for me. But another part wants to fight for what I should have. There's always the possibility that I won't even need a specialist in the end, but it doesn't make sense to not see one just because of that chance.

This was something I wasn't expecting. And I am at a loss.

In the Home Stretch

I've been getting a lot of comments and questions from strangers on when I'm due, and my answer varies from five weeks all the way to two months. I am 31W now, so technically, I should be looking at 8-10 weeks to go, but we all know that I never go Full Term. I must be looking huge if people are asking me how much longer I have to go! At first, I felt big, but the more I hung out at the hospital, the more I felt small and not-quite-ready.





Do I look ready to pop? These were taken last week. My Maternity shirts are starting to not cover my bump all the way now! *teehee* I do look like I'm ready to go have the baby now, don't I? Or at least like I'm having more than one baby, but I assure you, there is still only one in that big o' tummy of mine! It's a bit strange to think I may only have a month to go! Wow. Four weeks until Baby Jellybean's arrival! Glee!

I saw friends last week whom I hadn't seen since last June, and who didn't know I was pregnant. It's funny to show up to an event with a big belly and to see the expressions --if the reactions are good, that is. One comment I got, immediately upon seeing me, was "Again?" That threw me off. What do you mean, "again"? My last baby is almost three years old, so it's not like it was soon after or that not enough time has elapsed. I wasn't too sure how to respond to her, so I just laughed it off, but the truth is that I was annoyed. It was comments like that that made me not share much of my pregnancy with many people this time around. I had already been dealing for some time with friend's opinions on how I shouldn't have more children and it hurt. I know they meant well and had good intentions, but wow, some people need to learn how to give loving advice without stomping on others' dreams and wishes. Offering me a list of reasons NOT to have children is a bit harsh.

Yes, I knew beforehand that I'd be a High Risk Pregnancy. Yes, I did consider that I may go on bed rest again. Yes, I did wonder about my health in carrying a child for long enough while caring for four other children at home. Yes, I did think of our finances. Yes, I weighed the pros and cons.

When I talked to the girls about my growing list of pregnancy issues last week, they looked at me incredulously and asked, "and you wanted another baby?"

What kind of question is that???

For one, I didn't know I'd have Hypertension (and I definitely didn't know it was pre-existing) or gallstones or any of that. My other pregnancies only had leaking, some bed rest and gestational diabetes to prepare mentally for, and even those risks weren't enough to stop me. But truthfully, had I known beforehand the health issues I'd be having this time around, I'd still find it worth the risk. I will admit it now, though, that this will be our last pregnancy, so you can all stop worrying! My body doesn't enjoy being pregnant and it feels too old for it (which is so sad to say, but there aren't any other words to describe it) and I will have the longed-after five children I've always wanted.

I remember when Nadya"Octomom" Suleman had her eight babies and the controversy it caused (and still does). My heart really went out for her. I understood her desires. I knew what it was to like to want babies and a lot of them. No, her situation wasn't the best (unwed with already a large family of young children to care for and no visible income) and yes, her OB was unethical in transplanting so many embryos, but I understood. I can't say if I'd ever do things her way since I've never been in her situation, but I suppose a lot of people could find similarities in our stories. I still desired my "last baby" (even though I could admit then that I didn't know how many more it would take for me to stop wanting another), that badly wanted second daughter, even though many questioned my health and sanity.

I find it so sad that people can't support and help someone instead of criticizing those they don't agree with. Instead of the love and support Ms. Suleman deserved, that came with the McCaughey septuplets or the Gosselins, people shunned her and questioned her. We should've been encouraging her. After all, she carried eight babies! She didn't selectively terminate some to suit a doctor or the general public's opinion. She risked her own health for her babies, and that sacrifice is one we should commend. Isn't that what makes a hero in our eyes? One who lays their life down for others? No matter what the circumstances were? I hope this woman feels fulfilled by her large brood and has the support and love she needs. She's been staying out of the spotlight as much as she can, which is great as she needs the privacy, but I hope one day she lets us see her life and family! :)

Isn't it interesting how we shun and criticize the things that we don't personally understand? I do it all the time without thinking. We tear down the people we envy as well. I've noticed a few times where I've made bitter comments or tried to embarrass someone else' interests just because I didn't share them, and I've had to bite my tongue and chastise myself. Just look at the gossip sites for examples if you don't believe me. Notice how many people make fun of the Jolie-Pitts for all their children instead of applauding them for adopting children who need homes? Yet they are one of the biggest names in philanthropic work worldwide.

I decided to go ahead and have "one last baby" despite my health risks, so that can be perceived as selfish, I'm sure. But I think almost everything we choose to do can be traced to our own selfish natures. I didn't one day decide it would be a fun, nor did I say, 'screw what everyone thinks' (although I wish I didn't care so much of other people's opinions sometimes). In fact, we had been "trying but not really" for a few months with no results, so I was starting to wonder if maybe it wouldn't happen. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. But then we were happily surprised in Autumn. God has granted me my desires. Not because He wanted to teach me a lesson in consequences, (although I am living out the actions of my growing our family) but because it was also a part of His Plan, and because He knows our futures and what we can all handle. And because He loves little children too (Psalms 127:3) :)

I am learning to find my identity in Him and leaning on His truths and my beliefs in Him, instead of taking criticism of my ways as personal attacks. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13) Even carry a Baby Jellybean, despite the serious health concerns of others. Having Hypertension and Gestational Diabetes isn't ideal, but it's the way things are, and I'm the Home Stretch now, and it'll all be a fond memory soon.