Thursday, February 24, 2011

Placebo Girl

I had to make another trip downtown to BC Women's to see my wonderful specialist, and I felt so sick, and I didn't want to go b/c I felt sick, and I didn't want to cough in my favouritist' sister's car and spread my germs all over her borderline germophobe personal space, but I also wanted to go b/c I wanted the doctor to see that I was sick and I wanted her to tell me that I should stay in bed and be pampered and that I should really start to take some strong medication to make me normal again. It was a conflicting appointment for me. As we sat in the room waiting for the doctor, somehow our conversation got onto being sick (imagine that...maybe it was all the tissues I kept grabbing to cough into) and medications and my sister made a comment about me needing a placebo. Which got me thinking.

A placebo. H'mm....

And it occurred to me that she is completely correct. That's the nice thing about family; they know you. But I am in need of a placebo. And if I'm really honest, I think I would be able to admit that I'd rather have a placebo than have to take actual medications on a daily basis! Give me a pretend medication, make me feel better. Is it bad that I can admit to that or is that just admitting the sad state of my mind? I think the truth is that I just want someone to care, to put an effort out, make me feel better, even for just a moment. I want to be babied sometimes!

I was feeling so bad for myself one night, laying in bed, hacking, coughing, and sputtering, and crying. I knew I wasn't dying and wasn't close to it, but my mind kept thinking of all these terrible things happening, like what if I actually couldn't breathe and I had to crawl down the hall, panting and wheezing, trying to get someone's attention, while fumbling for the phone so that I can dial 9-1-1 and start banging on the digits just so they can figure out there is a serious problem on the other end and they need to send someone over stat to heal me. (Yeah, my mind is a wonder, isn't it?) What if no one noticed that I needed serious help? The thought was oppressing my mind, weighing on me, making me feel worse. Finally, I got up, in tears, and confessed to my Hunny that I was most likely going to die on my own in the bedroom while he watched tv. He took care of me and made me feel better, and half an hour later, I could go back to bed, feeling confident that things were ok.

Yeah, I need a placebo. I'm happy with simple care. Someone to listen to me and not laugh at my drama. A gentle hug, an encouraging word. It makes my heart feel lighter and I can continue on and feel strengthened.

I left the doctor's office with a nice prescription for a strong medication and immediately I felt a good 90% better than I had that morning. And I hadn't even started the medication yet!!! It was just knowing that it wasn't all in my head that made me feel better. The next day, whilst on our way to yet another appointment, I was talking to my wonderfulest sister about how easy things can change for me. I can honestly say that I would be perfect for those medical studies where they give half the test group the real meds and the other half the placebos. I'd be completely happy in the placebo group!

I'm not too sure how I feel about this though. I think it's great to admit that I don't need a lot to make me feel secure, yet the thought that I can be deceived and possibly feel "okay" about it makes me feel uneasy. It's a complex thought. I obviously don't like being lied to and I am deeply hurt and offended by people who are fake or aren't deep, yet I am also simple enough to be able to accept pseudo care. Maybe the word isn't "simple". Maybe it's "strong". Yeah, let's go with that one. Maybe I'm confident enough and am smart enough to know the truth and that in some circumstances, having a placebo is enough b/c I know that's what it is.

Maybe the whole thing really just shows how easy it is to turn things around for me. It's not about how "simple" I am, and it doesn't mean that I have esteem issues or anything. Instead, it is a way to see how to help me get back on my feet. When I need help, I just need a little sympathy, someone to tell me that it's not all in my head, and to help me pick myself back up. A placebo doesn't have to mean "fake." I just need some reassurance sometimes.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Bunny Luv

Ginger sure has grown since the last time we saw her! Wow. Now look at her! She looks like a little sausage!

I decided to take her out of her cage for a bit of hopping around on Abi's bed. You have to be careful with her and supervise, though; she's the sneaky one and will try to find a way off the bed and into the wide open spaces of the room, whereas Thumper looks down to the ground and says he's not big enough to jump that far! *smile*

Rhys absolutely loves the bunnehs and wants to cuddle, hug, kiss, and hold them whenever he can. Funnily enough though, once one is placed in his lap, he freaks out, so we don't do that too often!

Both Abi & Rhys have similar gentle personalities in the way they handle pets, which is really sweet to see. I hope Ginger feels loved! (and not squashed and cornered!)

Hope this feeds your Bunneh desires for now. Abi is still looking to convince her Daddy that we NEED to have baby bunnies, so if you are seriously considering a pet bunny (hey, thinking ahead to Easter is a wise thing to start now) then drop me a line! *big grin*

Sunday, February 13, 2011

house full of sickies

The plague has hit here. Well, not *that* plague, just influenza. At least I think that's what it is, but that's because I don't want to admit it's worse and that we all need to see a doctor. Hunny has been sick the longest, starting over a week ago. But it was Kai who really started it for the family. Not that I'm blaming him, I'm just stating things as I see it! Really.

On Monday, we got a phone call from the school to say that he needed to be picked up because he had an eye infection. Of course, this also happened to be at the same time when I was at the lab having my Glucose Tolerance test, which meant that I couldn't leave the lab for two hours (which was a surprise as I thought it was only the one-hour test when I went in), and also when I had the van, and when Hunny was at home too sick to do much. Great. Are they sure it just wasn't some dust in his eye? Somehow Hunny was going to have to find a way to get Kai without me.

When I came home from my GT test, I found out that he actually did have an eye infection! It was all gross and watery. Just the left eye though. I took him into the clinic for some antibiotics and some simple instructions on applying eye drops. (and let me tell you, they did not go as easy as the doctor said it should be! Why it needed to be so dramatic was beyond me! Kai fussed and cried and put up such a stink over the whole thing that it was all we could do to get those drops into his eyes. We tried three different methods too, all of which weren't invasive and didn't require anything actually touching his eye! oh the drama!) We were called by the school about an hour after it began, which is surprising since he didn't appear sick when we dropped him off, and his eye looked fine. But apparently it was a fast-acting infection because by the time I went to pick up his prescription, it had jumped to his other eye as well! Oh great! Poor Kai's eyes were watery, pus-y and puffy, and he looked like he was wearing a reddish eye mask. He spent the next few days at home, on the couch, sleeping.

On Thursday, his eyes weren't any better, and him taking his eye drops weren't getting any easier, and now he was complaining about a sore ear. Bryn was also not himself, after spending all morning curled up on the couch napping. So back to the doctor! He diagnosed Kai with an ear infection and gave us new eye drops, and said that Bryn's ear was a bit red, but we may as well treat it as an infection, just in case.

We thought getting Kai to take eye drops was difficult....try getting some Amoxil into Bryn! That turned out to be an ordeal all on it's own! Any bit we got into his mouth, he'd gag and spit it out. We soon gave up and decided that it wasn't worth the fighting. He just did not like the stuff. Which is funny because when I opened the bottle, I had such happy memories flood me. I remembered taking Amoxicillan as a child and I loved the banana flavour! Thankfully, Kai takes after me, and he's taken his meds just fine. Which could be why his eye has cleared up and his ear isn't sore anymore.

Currently, the whole family is down for the count! It hit me and Abi on Thursday night, so we've all been house and couch-bound all weekend. I'm not too sure if we all have infections and need to see the doctor for meds or not, but it does appear to be in our chests and sinus'. Everyone is coughing and coughing. And napping. And whining. And mostly miserable. The good news was that Hunny was starting to appear better. He was doing stuff, useful stuff, like laundry and cleaning and making meals, while the rest of us could only watch and listen from our perches on the couch. That is, until last night. :( Now he is back to being sick and napping.

Hunny and I are so different when it comes to being sick. If there is something going around, I will most likely catch it, according to my Hunny. I like to believe it's possible that I won't though! But he's probably correct. When I do get sick, I succumb pretty fast and easy, I don't fight it! I wrap myself up in a blanket and I mope and occasionally I like to bemoan my tragic state. If I feel really ill, I start to lament how I'm DYYYYYIIINNG!!! (well, in my defense, it can sure feel like it when I'm sick and I'm wondering how I'm supposed to muster up the energy to take care of children!) Hunny is more grown-up about it. He has this inborn trait that enables him to continue living despite his body telling him otherwise. He's always been able to accomplish things, such as going in to work several times this past week (even when I thought he should've stayed home) and taking care of the family. We are so lucky to have him! Sometimes I wish I had his attitude, but then I remind myself that when you're sick, you're supposed to rest. It's your body's way of telling you to sleep and get better! So I think we both have benefits to our responses.

I hope this plague doesn't last too much longer. Kai has already missed a week of school, I'd hate for him to miss more, but I am also not too sure if he's ready to go back. The rest of the family isn't at that stage yet though. So far, Rhys hasn't been sick at all, but he's been coughing and he has a fever. Maybe he takes after his Daddy! I think we're all ready for this to pass by now.

Monday, February 7, 2011

20 Plus weeks

It's been 20 Plus weeks since I've sat here. Not here at this desk, typing at this keyboard, but here Here. It's been 20 Plus weeks since I've sat here connecting.

I know because the scan says so, and the email says so, and the calendar says so. 20 Plus weeks of illness, exhaustion, darkness, grasping, stress and fear. Of frustration, impatience, confusion, disappointment, and emptiness.

But they say I am halfway done now, and I can be assured in things, and I can relax as the rest is all downhill. But not downhill in a bad, too-fast-for-me race to the death, but downhill in an exciting ride, where you lean back in the bicycle, throw your hair into the wind, release your grip from the handlebars for just a moment and just ride, full of joy. Full of life.

I want the next 2o weeks to be full of Life and Living. And Joy.
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