recovering

This is just a gentle reminder to myself, and to anyone else with chronic pain and illness.

I understand.

Some days will be rough and you'll be on the couch resting, trying to breathe, and that's ok. Don't beat yourself up. Some people will understand (hopefully you've surrounded yourself with more of those people) and some won't (hopefully you've disregarded their words and realize they are from those who just don't get it.)  


Good days will come again!

just breathe (wordless wednesday)

ETA: (ok, so that wasn't very "wordless". oops.)

My bra tried to kill me

My day started out as most mornings go. I begrudgingly got up to the alarm and I wake the kids; I help get breakfast for the boys and encourage the Olders to eat while they can. I remind them to pack their lunches in their backpacks and help search for missing shoes and then I send them on their way to school. After an hour (sometimes more), and definitely after a tea, I finally get around to getting dressed. It was as I was changing into my shirt and my bra that the pain arrived.

I love my new bra (and my Hunny who bought me a whole bunch of expensive under-things. I haven't spent that much money on these things in years--the joys of being a mom!) I love how it fits and makes me feel.  However, these feelings of typical comfort and sexiness was not to be today. Instead, my chest felt compressed, as if in a vice. Instead, it felt tight and bound.

Pain started in my sternum and I felt breathless within minutes of putting on that new and beautiful bra. So much so that I had to take it off.  I'd like to say that the pain left soon after, but that was only wishful thinking. The pain moved up my sternum and radiated to both sides of my chest, with a crushing grip. It felt as though I was in an incredibly tight bear hug.

I am thankful that I have a diagnosis of Tietze Syndrome and can see the symptoms and know how to deal with them, although I've never had my bra bring on a flare up. That sucked.

Actually, I disagree with the doctor on the Tietze diagnosis and feel it is more likely Costochondritis.  Tietze is painful inflamation of the ribs and cartilage in the upper chest, often effecting the second and third ribs, causing swelling. Costo is painful inflamation of the joints between the cartilages that joins the ribs. The pain can be felt all over the chest and into the shoulders, and is "sharp and stabbing in nature." (hmm...that sounds familiar)

And, yes, that picture (which I got off of a Costo support group on FB) really IS what it feels like.  Whenever I get a flare up, I often wish I could rip open my chest! It hurts. It hurts to move, and to breathe. It generally really really sucks.

Hopefully this pain will not last long. That would be nice.

I don't have a diagnosis of FM, but I did have a Rheumatologist tell me years ago (when I was suffering with a painful back) that I "most likely" have it, but it's too early to tell for sure. I'm not too sure if I do or do not, but I do have many of the trigger points, just not all. I'm not too worried about it, since, well, I have other health mysteries to figure out! But I wanted to add the picture above to show you the symptoms of Costo.

*just to clarify, costo and tietze are incredibly similar. A lot of doctors still think they are the same. But in Tietze, you have swelling along with the cartilege pain. You don't have that with Costo. I am still trying to see if there are other symptoms and if I do actually have swelling. (I haven't noticed yet)

The nice thing about both is that doctors (and the internet) wants you to believe that it only lasts for a few weeks. Okay, that's only nice if it were true. I think that it can be true, depending on what caused it. If you were given a diagnosis of it after a sports injury, then yes, there is a chance you can recover completely just fine. However, most of us with this, have it due to an autoimmune issue. (which is why many will also have other health concerns, such as FM or even Hypothyroidism, like me.) But the other other nice thing is that the severe pain comes and goes. You can have a flare up (like me), and you will be in a lot of chest pain, but it will eventually settle for a bit. But it will come back. But at least you have that break for a bit.

I'm waiting for that break again. It's been three days now.

Thankful Thursday: Fatigue Edition

When I saw this feature on Talk Nerdy To Me, I knew I wanted to start it as well. I figured I could use some more focus on things I'm thankful for. I had read One Thousand Gifts (I totally recommend this book!) and Ann Voskamp's blog and had been trying to change my thinking and to seek the blessings given every day. And I have become more grateful and noticed more of a peace in that, but I still needed something more. Thankful Thursday gives me that challenge.

It started out as a simple list of a few things that made me happy; things that I could be thankful for. But over the two months, I now find myself actively searching; I like looking through each day for gifts. My lists may still seem simple, but that's the wonder of blessings -- sometimes the simple small ones have great impact, if we are willing to see them.

This week has been a bit hard on me as I have been battling extreme fatigue. I'm not too sure if it's from my hypothyroidism, my MVP or an undiagnosed condition, or just too many late nights with not enough sleep and too much heat. But this fatigue is crushing me and it does more than just make me feel tired. It causes me to struggle with breathing, resulting in me panting. It makes my body ache. I lose ability to concentrate or focus on anything. My mouth goes dry and I feel void of emotions. I become unable to cope with anything. Sometimes I feel anxious. And that is just a short list.

As I lay in bed, with my mind still actively running, but my body feeling rather weighted, I thought of how, despite my mobilites and my weakness, I have much to be thankful for.

So here is my Thankful Thursday: Fatigue Edition. (It's going to be a wordy one!)

1. Fatigue is a sign

When my body starts to feel fatigued, it tells me that my body is weak and needs to rest. I am thankful that I have this to remind me to take care of myself. (as opposed to working too hard and ignoring my own body, or not knowing what it means)

2. Helpful children

I have had a few incidents with ailments in front of my kids, and while that is embarrassing to have them see their mom weak, I am also thankful that they understand that I have limits. It teaches them empathy. I am thankful that they show concern for me and are willing to help me. (well the Olders notice, the Youngers don't yet.  It was nice to have Kai ask how he could help me this week, when I lay on the couch panting. He offered to get me something to drink and eat!)

3. Strength Within

I am thankful that despite fatigue, I have been given strength when I needed it and that He is still able to work through me.
^"...Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 8-10


4. Creativity

On the times that I have laid on the couch, trying to rest and control my breathing, I have still been able to use my gifts. I can still text friends, I can still write cards, I can still work on planning events. It takes a bit longer (since concentrating is a struggle) but it can be done, and I am thankful that even when my body wants to drop, I can still be useful.

5. Empathy

I am thankful my Hunny understands my fatigue (or is starting to) I am thankful that he doesn't demand that I get up and attempt to do things, but will help with tasks. (like dinner or putting kids to bed)

I am also thankful that my Mom struggles with fatigue due to her own autoimmune diseases --- ok, I'm not really thankful that she struggles also, but thankful because she understands what I am going through. She can give advice and encouragement and offer prayers. It is good to have someone who understands because they are dealing with it also.  Although I wish neither of us were in this Fatigue Club anyways.

6. Conquering Fear

If have been dealing with fatigue for some time now, and I am starting to recognize symptoms before I get a full-blown attack. I am thankful that time does educate and that I can see connections better so that I am not overwhelmed with anxiety or fear when I feel like collapsing. I don't find myself worrying over possible scenarios or getting myself worked up over imaginary symptoms (mostly) I know that my body is just fatigued. I need to rest and I will get better. I do not need to worry. (even if it means that sometimes I need to remind myself those words!)

7. Not defining

I am thankful that I know this does not define who I am. I am a loving mom, a creative being, a loyal and caring friend. I have many talents and interests that God created in me that makes me who I am. My fatigue is a reaction to health issues that I carry, but it is not who I am. It may beat me up, and try to bring me down, and try to whisper thoughts into my head, but in the end, I am so much more than this.  I know that. And so do others who know and love me.

8. It doesn't last

I have been fighting this fatigue for over a week now and I have often like I've had enough and can't go on, but somehow I manage. I know that even when it drags out and I feel close to the end of my endurance, it will not last forever. My body fights it and I somehow find the strength and I eventually get the rest I need. I am thankful that I can look forward to getting up one day and not feeling this weight upon my body.

9.  All things

One of my favourite verses is Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.."  All Things. Those two words are the ones I cling too. It means that everything that happens, every moment, every struggle, every overwhelming and weak day, every joy and triumph...in all things, God is working it out for the good. I don't see a purpose in having to live with this struggle, but I don't have to to believe that there is something good to come out of it.

and if not....

I have been struggling with fatigue, breathlessness and chest pain for a whole eight days now. It is to the point now where I am so weak and weary that I am in tears and pleading for more strength because I don't know how I can continue like this.

Is it my thyroid?  I had my blood work done again this past weekend, so hopefully my doctor has the results in now. Is it wrong that I am praying that something will be wrong and that the doctor will call me at home with an answer?  If I don't get that call then that means that all is supposedly well with me, but I am walking evidence that it is not.

Is it my Mitral Valve Prolapse?  That is supposedly "symptomless" as well, yet I was in such incredible chest pain last night. If I didn't know that MVP was my cause and that it is not life threatening, I would be a lot more worried.

So at this point, on day eight, I am struggling. I am trying to keep focused and I am trying not to get myself worked up and I am trying to remain calm, but the truth is that I am having a hard time trying to convince myself that all is well.

I was reading in one of my Bible devotionals, called She Reads Truth, about this phrase: and if not... and it really has stuck with me.  I copied their words in my journal: I believe that God will show up, that He will show up here on earth and move in His people and move mountains.

And if not...

And if not, He is still good. He is still the King Most High. He alone is still worthy of our worship. It is still worth it.

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied, "we do not need to defend ourselves before you. if we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us....but even if He doesn't...we want to make it clear to you that we will never serve your gods."  Daniel 3: 17, 18

***

But even if He doesn't....

And if not....


If things don't get better. If I don't feel well. If I can not find the strength. He is still good. He is still God. He is still my Saviour. He is still the King. And I still trust Him. 

But I am struggling.

Fatigue and more mysteries

My heart is all jumpy right now and my body is weary.  I hate it when it gets this way.  Despite being exhausted, I am still unable to fall asleep before 1am all week, which really sucks. You know that your life needs a huge change when your preschooler asks you, "why are you always tired, Mom?"  *sigh*  I wish I knew.  But I am getting my bloodwork checked again this weekend. Surely it must be my thyroid. Please let it be my thyroid. Then my doctor can change my medications and I can hopefully, maybe, feel the slightest bit more energetic. (and when I say "energetic", I mean not having to take a nap or two or three a day.)

I saw my doctor this past week, but she is still suggesting that my pain and fatigue are from having "so many children" and the stress that brings.  I am willing to admit that I have some things happening in my life that could be considered stress. But I am not going to say that mine is more than anyone else'. Don't we all worry about finances and the house being a mess and having to plan three birthdays, a baby shower, teacher's gifts, father's day, and end-of-the-school-year events in two weeks? Oh, maybe not. Well, this month is a bit more crazier than typical, I guess! June starts our busy family time and it carries on until September. Tons of birthdays and things to plan and figure out!

As for having many children. To be honest, I've said this before and I will say it again, once you have three children it really isn't that much of a change adding another. By the time you have five, you start to get into a rhythm of things. Yes, our house is loud, and yes it is messy, and yes it can get busy, but it really isn't that hard. But it's one of those things that you have to be in to understand. There are many things that I don't "get" and couldn't imagine living through, but if it's your life, it's what you do and you somehow manage. I have a friend who is a single mom to two girls. How does she do it? I can't imagine being that patient all.of.the.time, or never getting a break (I love it when my Hunny can come and help take over when I need a breather or two, because I often need those. I'm not that patient after all.). And having to carry the weight of the finances? Wow. Now, that is stressful in my mind! Don't talk to me about how my fatigue is due to many kids....there are so many out there with it harder than me! (although, my friend may not think it is a big deal since she is used to doing it all alone for a few years now.)

My doctor says that I "need to find a week of nothing to do."  I asked her how do I do that. She suggested a "Staycation."  Are you kidding me? I'm a stay-at-home-mom. I"m not too sure how staying home (something I already do) would reach those parameters of "finding nothing to do." There is always something to do in this house! (I just may not do it sometimes, haha, looking at the state of my house right now)

My chest aches and my body is weary and I can hardly stay awake and my heart is racing and jumping around like a fish.  I am starting to see how it could all be related, though. The more tired my body is, the more my heart will feel 'jumpy" and the more likely I am to get chest pains. I just don't know what is causing that fatigue. Just when I think I have found a possible solution, I find it just adds to the list in the end. It turns out that fatigue can be a symptom of many different things!

Remember me having to see the Cardiologist in December? He had booked me in for a Stress Test and an Echocardiogram, just to make me feel better.  The Stress Test went okay, and the Echo was booked for January but I had to cancel it since it fell on the same day that I was going away for the weekend. The idea of making a drive all the way in to Vancouver General Hospital that afternoon and then driving all the way in the opposite direction to Harrison Hot Springs didn't appeal to me!  I got a new date for that appointment for May. 

 In the end, the Echocardiogram was easier than I anticipated! I had seen Kai have them done yearly for 8 years, so I knew what to expect, but I was a bit self conscious. As much as I tell myself that these specialists have seen several breasts, that they don't actually pay attention to them at all, I still felt nervous being disrobed in front of a stranger. (in the end, the radiologist had me covered up with a towel and didn't even look at me! He stared at his screen the whole time and was very professional. Silly me and my worries!)

My follow up appointment with the Cardiologist was to be expected. He said that my Stress test was Normal. My 24 Hour Holter was Normal. My Echo was Normal. Everything is good and fine. But oh, the Echo discovered that I have  Mitral Valve Prolapse.

What? How is that "normal"?

According to the Echo, the Prolapse is tiny and hardly noticeable. The doctor said that he wouldn't know I have one if it didn't say so on the report, since he can't hear it on the stethoscope. So I guess that's a good thing.  He wasn't concerned about it and said that I shouldn't either, so I chose to believe him!  I go back in a year for another Echo to see if there is any change.

Of course, when I got home, I suddenly had questions (why do I never think of them in his office?) and I had to Google what a Prolapse was!  I found out some interesting stuff. Such as this, from the Mayoclinic website:

When signs and symptoms do occur, it may be because blood is leaking backward through the valve (regurgitation). Mitral valve prolapse symptoms can vary widely from one person to another. They tend to be mild and develop gradually. Symptoms may include:

• A racing or irregular heartbeat (arrhythmia)
• Dizziness or lightheadedness
• Difficulty breathing or shortness of breath, often when lying flat or during physical activity
• Fatigue
• Chest pain that's not caused by a heart attack or coronary artery disease

It blew my mind! Are you kidding me? This could totally explain so much! I was actually giddy at the idea and I felt that I had my answers! Hooray.

Except when my own doctor said that my "leaky valve" is so insignificant that I wouldn't even feel any symptoms.  Oh. Well, that's good, I suppose. But I liked having some answers!

So we're back to "stress of having many children."

Please let it be my thyroid.


***another interesting thing that I was reminded of when I was telling my mom of my cardiologist appointment. My Opa has MVP. He has had it for years and had the valve replaced at the age of 70 with a pig's valve. They usually only last for 10 years, but his has been going for 15!  
***The cardiologist said that I likely had this since birth. Well, THAT would explain a LOT of things too in my life.  If only it could....

holter selfie

Here is a Gratuitous Boob Shot from when I had my 24 Hour Holter Monitor on.

Just so you know, I take horrible selfies. It's just not a talent of mine. Either I have fifteen chins, or I'm making a funny face or half of my face isn't even in it or something is just looking off. My favouritest sister takes awesome selfies. I am a little jealous.

I haven't heard anything back from my Holter (which took me one hour to drive in to VGH with two children, ten minutes in the waiting room, five minutes in the room for the guy to stick it and attach it to me, and one hour to drive home. What a dumb day!) I am going to assume that everything is okay with the results. I have no reason to think it wouldn't be.

stress tests, curly evolutionary brains and anxiety

I did my stress test a few weeks ago and survived! I was told beforehand that I'd have to go on a treadmill and that was it. And while that sounded easy, I was so nervous! As long as I kept reminding myself that I could walk great distances, I was okay. After all, I had gone for several walks with Hunny just a week or two prior without any great difficulty. But I was nervous that they'd make me jog and I knew I couldn't do that!

It turned out that it was just a walking test, phew! (however, I read online that if you can't walk they inject some soft of medication that increases your heart rate to get the results.) I had a bunch of wires and such attached to me (similar to the ECG) and off I walked.

It started up a slight incline, which wasn't easy, but I did okay. I managed to have a conversation with the woman doing the test (really, she just watched a screen and took notes, I did most of the work) about children (mostly my large brood) and living in the country with "old fashioned" ideas that we both seemed to share (unless she was humoring me) About five minutes into the test, the machine moved at a higher incline and increased in speed. That made me nervous. I was considering in my head all the ways that I could escape this machine if I needed to. Such as falling off, or riding it out the end and hopefully gracefully, stepping off the back end, but the thought that made the most sense to me was to jump to either side of the belt where it wasn't moving. (it never occurred to me that I could also reach out and hit that large red "stop" button at the top) Apparently this type of situation-getting-out-of thinking is common in my Dad too! But seriously, who walks that fast up a hill? Sheesh! I was still chatting with the young woman, but I was breathless and it was starting to get more difficult to keep up the conversation. (if we had gone any faster and it would've definitely been ceased on my end)

She asked if I could go faster and I puffed, "I'd rather not!" So she decided to stop the test.

I did 8.53 minutes! I was proud of myself. My Dad can only do two minutes when he goes to his Healthy Heart program, which is slightly concerning. In comparison to that, I did a marathon! It only took a few minutes for my heart to calm down and for me to not feel as sweaty, and then I got back into my clothes and went home.

I got an appointment to see the cardiologist, Dr Hamburger (yes, seriously) three weeks later. I really did not think there was anything wrong with my heart---but well, I've been having chest pains off and on for years. (I remember a particular attack one night when I was 19 1/2. It was the one night in our dating relationship that my ex-boyfriend showed compassion for me. How sad is that? I was in the much pain.)  My first attacks came the day after I turned 19, and I missed several weeks of school from not having any energy to even get out of bed (my mom remembers me crawling to the bathroom), to having such incredible pain, and having several x-rays and ECGs done. Of course nothing showed anything. I ended up having to drop out of Bible College from missing too much school and not being able to catch up. (I still may be hurt and upset over that.) Since my Father had a heart attack last year, I've also been slightly concerned about my own heart health, (I do take after him the most out of his children.) so it was good to see a specialist.

He said that the results were good, which I also suspected. I figured they would've called me in for an appointment sooner if they were bad. He asked me questions; they were interesting ones. You could tell they were pointed one and that he was weighing and considering the answers. (he asked what I did before children and then asked if I missed being a retail manager...after he asked what one was! I said that I thought being a retail manager was tough, but then I became a mother and realized it was tougher!) Then he asked me to remove my shirt and bra so he could do an ECG on me!  EEK! I just about died! I was glad Hunny was there! I didn't have a gown and the doctor just went about his business while I took off my tops. Not too shockingly, my BP was a elevated when he checked it! Imagine that! (he said that he would've been concerned since it was 'borderline', but seeing the situation..... I was thinking, 'uhm, like me having to get practically naked for a male doctor I've never met before?" Sheesh!)  But it all went well. I reminded myself that a cardiologist sees lots of breasts. He's not going to oogle mine. Although, I also reminded myself that based upon a look around the waiting room, I'm sure my breasts are the perkiest and youngest he's seen in a long time! But he was respectful and paid no attention to them.

In the end, the cardiologist said that I'm fine and my heart is well and I'm not going to have a heart attack any time soon. But instead of me taking him at his word, he is going to send me for a holter monitor (yay) and an Echocardiogram. (Kai gets Echos done annually, and has had a holter done when he was newly diagnosed.) Then I can rely on those results and feel better too. At first, I thought that he didn't need to do that and I could believe him, but then as he was talking I was thinking that he was right. I would need further proof. But I do wonder if it will ease my mind at all. I really would like to have a diagnosis for my chest pain, please.

The cardiologist was great and personable and I liked him. But then he started to talk about our evolutionary brains, which was weird, but we got through it. He said how our brains were first created just like animals' brains, way back millions of years ago when we all lived in Africa, but then somewhere along evolution they changed and now have the curly parts that we're used to seeing. (I was thinking, 'excuse me, what are you talking about?') Our old Animal Brain reacts whenever we see a "predator" (anything that scares us) and it tells the heart to increase and we get the urge to run. However, the Curly Brain says there is no need to run, there is no predator.  Since the two brains are in conflict with each other, we don't know what do to. We want to run and our body is reacting as if it is going to, but we don't actually move anywhere since we see that it isn't necessary. And that results in anxiety on our bodies.

Meanwhile, I"m thinking, 'okay, is he trying to tell me that I should take up running?" That part was a bit bizarre.

What he is saying is that he thinks the my chest pain comes from anxiety and stress. Somewhere along the line, something has happened that caused me to stress and I wasn't able to let it go and that caused my pain.  He said that I may not feel anxiety when I have the pain but that's because it is so deep within.

H'mmm......

It's possible that my chest pain when I was 19 was due to the stress I had in going to Bible College. I was so scared that I'd never know how to write notes for class and I wouldn't understand anything. (I wasn't taught any of those handy things in highschool since those years were done in homeschooling. Which was great for me, but not so great in the confidence building.) Maybe the pain I felt when I was dating my ex was because he was a jerk and I made a poor choice in dating him and I knew it? My chest pain on the way to BCCH could have been from my fear of driving Oak Street. It's an old part of Vancouver (actually, most of Van is like this.) and so it really is only wide enough for 4 lanes of traffic, but they stuff 6 in there anyways. I am so nervous that I'm going to clip another vehicle driving!

But what about the other times? When I was at my parents and it hit out of the blue? Or when I had to call for an ambulance last year?

Dr Hamburger suggested that we talk together, Hunny and I, and discuss our stress. And if I can't, as some things a woman can only talk to with a girlfriend or family member, (he said this to my husband) I should find someone and tell them!  This cardiologist-slash-therapist was interesting. His words on stress and talking really hit me.  Not that I think he's right---that these chest pains are only from anxiety or stress. I really do still think that it could be costochondritis. (My Mom recently reminded me that my aunt by marriage has that. It's an autoimmune disease if it's chronic pain, but mostly it's short term, up to 6 months, due to injury. Hers, and possibly mine, are chronic)  But like my Hunny said, maybe the costochondritis pain is triggered by stress. Which it could be.

I am already starting to see that when my body is exhausted, I start to have trouble breathing which then turns into slight chest pain. I know that my body is telling me that I need to rest. I just need to get every one else to realize I need it. (why can't Mommys ever take breaks?)

I'm not too sure what my next step is yet. I go for my holter monitor next week. Yay. So I get to drive all the way back to VGH to get this strapped to me, which should only take a few minutes, just to go home (although it will still cost us $6.50 to park for half hour. good grief!) and return back there the next day to return the monitor. That's going to suck. (My Echo is booked all the way in January 2014.) I've been having chest pain on and off, (one week I had pains every day) but nothing to the degree I had it in August, thankfully. I don't know if I should make an appointment to see my own doctor or not. Will the cardiologist have sent my test results and info to her? I didn't mention it to him, so maybe not. (I also didn't want her thinking that he'd diagnosed me with anxiety and so any chest pain I would mention to her, she would just disregard.) Right now, I am just trying to get the rest that I need and learning to pray more and rest in His peace.

another round...

I took Kai into Children's for his annual cardiology appointment but ended up at VGH for myself. Oops.

It started out just fine. I was happily surprised when my Hunny stayed home from work, which meant that I could leave the majority of children with him (taking more than 2 children in for a doctor's appointment at a time is quite stressful for me! They don't sit still, they play, they fight, they get bored, they complain, they climb on furniture, they climb all over me.... *sigh*  I try to keep my patience, and I try to pack snacks and activities to keep their attention, and I try to listen to the doctor, but it is not easy and if I can I like to go with as less kids when I need to to see a doctor, thank-you very much!)   But as Kai and I were leaving, I started to feel a bit nauseated. Then as we were driving down the freeway, I started to find it difficult to breathe in deeply enough. And then my heart started to dance and palpitate. And then I had a hot flash go up my body, starting at my feet and sweeping all the way up to my head. And then I really had a hard time getting enough oxygen.  I was 20ms from Children's, and my hands and feet were tingly and felt like dead weights, and I didn't feel good and I debated on pulling over to call 9-1-1, but then I would feel 'fine enough', and there was just enough traffic that I couldn't get into the far right lane, and then I thought if I could just get to the hospital, I could get Kai in for his needed appointment and then I could see a doctor. It's a hospital, it shouldn't be that hard to find someone to check over me!

I had a whole bunch of thoughts go through my head. Heart attack? I know that they hit women differently then men, and heart/chest pain, difficulty breathing and nausea are symptoms.  Or could it just be nerves? Yes, I don't like to drive Oak Street...I find the 6 lanes of traffic a bit stressful. (I tell myself that my van can fit into the lanes just fine, after all there are big trucks that drive these roads every day, but I am convinced that where I live it would only be 4 lanes of traffic! Eek!)  But since I have driven this route many times before (and have made the trip to Children's annually for 8 years, and gone to Women's, in the same location, sometimes twice a month when I was pregnant with Eden) I didn't think I was *that* stressed.  Maybe it was my asthma bothering me; but taking my inhalers gave me no comfort, just got me buzzy with steroids. Maybe it was just indigestion? I felt gassy and nauseated, so could that be it?  (a trip to the bathroom didn't ease the symptoms though)

After I got Kai checked in, I really didn't feel good and I just wanted to lay down. My chest started to tighten and hurt and my breathing got worse. Finally, I went up to the receptionist and asked if I could see a doctor? This would be the perfect time for me to feel slightly embarrassed (I'm about to make a scene at the Children's hospital with a ton of other parents and patients watching me!), but I was feeling too weary and too sore to even pay attention to them.  One of the Cardiologists came over and sat beside me, checking my pulse (said it was normal) and asked what was happening, then asked if I wanted an ambulance. I was asked that twice, as I had to think it over. Did I really think I was "sick enough" to call for an ambulance? Since this had been going on for an hour and was only getting worse, I agreed to an ambulance and they packed me up to go to VGH, leaving BCCH!  Of course, despite being in a hospital and being surrounded by Cardiologists, I had to be seen by an "adult doctor" at an "adult hospital", which meant them having to call for one to get me! Poor Kai was sitting there bewildered! He ended up missing his Cardiologist appointment after all!!!! :(  Boo!

With my Dad having a heart attack last year (a few days before he turned 60) and his Father dying of a stroke caused by heart attack at 60, I was slightly concerned about my own heart. And with my chest pain, the paramedics did tests as well. They did an ECG reading before we left, and gave me two baby aspirin to chew (orange flavored too!), and everything looked ok based on that.  At VGH (which is maybe 10 minutes away) they did another ECG test, plus took some blood, gave me more chewable aspirin, and sprayed under my tongue with nitroglycerine.  (which for some reason always makes me think of those muscle cars that use nitrous to boost their power! lol) One nurse tried to do an IV on my left hand, which hurt worse than the chest pain! (I hate those things! It's like sticking a long metal rod into a tiny hose! IV's just don't Fit in my hands!!!) For some reason, he couldn't get it in, which meant it had to be done again later. Boo! When things settled a bit more, another nurse tried to insert the IV into my right inner elbow. I was ok with that, until she couldn't thread it in, then that hurt a lot too! :( It was bad enough that the pain would come in waves and I had to ask her to wait with the IV so I could try to remember to breathe, but to have her hit the wrong spot didn't make it any better. As she was attempting the third IV placement in my right hand, it hit again and I had to roll over to my side to ease the pain. She managed to insert it just fine this time though. Finally! (it turned out she had used a smaller needle. I'm going to have to remember to ask for that when I go in to the hospital again. So much less painful!) By then I was in such discomfort that they suggested a pain medication. Have you ever had morphine? I have had it twice now. The first time was with my ectopic in 2005, when I was in the ER, and it was terrible. I could feel it hit me, as it started at my feet and went up my whole body until I was truly drugged. It was not a good feeling. Krista (my nurse) said she would give me a "small dose", but I wasn't too sure what that meant, but I admit that it hit me differently this time. Oh, it hit me all at once, like a forceful wind knocking me over, but it wasn't as bad as the first time. I did think I was going to fall over though! I was supposed to sit up nice and still for the portable x-ray machine (no, I'm not possibly pregnant, but thanks for asking) but I felt so drugged that I thought I was going to fall over, and I couldn't control my body. I have a hard time thinking that some people actually like this feeling? But I guess if you feel your life is so messed up that you'd rather feel drugged...that's sad. :(

I was drugged up pretty good. The good news is that I wasn't in any pain anymore. I could feel the pressure in my chest, but it didn't hurt. The other good news is that all of my tests were coming back normal, which meant no heart attack or problems. But all I wanted to do was sleep. I felt so out of it and I had lost my bedside humor. Instead of making jokes and trying to laugh my way out of the situation (what I like to do), I had nothing to say and I felt dizzy and wanted to rest. At one time, I was so loopy that I was falling asleep, but I got nervous that I was passing out because I'd be laying there and would suddenly hear voices and noises again, as I was coming back alert. (apparently a side effect of morphine is to make you sleepy. It would've been nice if I was told that!)

I got a nice bed in the ER for a good 5 hours until the doctor transferred me to the DTU, which is an extension of the ER even though you are admitted to the hospital (which confused me), but you're only there for a few hours (maybe sometimes overnight, for a short term stay) as they finish up tests on you. It was a quiet unit, with just myself in a huge room! Kai got to come over too, of course, and by then Hunny had joined us. (My Dad drove him into Children's to pick up the van, and then he went back home to help my Mom watch the other kids. Don't ask why he didn't come and take Kai home as well. The men didn't think of that. Us women did and it didn't make sense to us that they didn't!) It was quite boring for them. But at least they got to go out and get something to eat. I got a tuna sandwich that the nurse scrounged up! And that just made me nauseated again. So I got to have some Gravol. Oh yay.  So I was drugged up even more. And I felt it!!!

After 7 hours, I got to go home! Hooray. Apparently I was "well enough!" My heart was deemed healthy. I was not considered at risk of anything drastic happening. (although I was told to head back to ER if my chest started to hurt again.) Apart from feeling Very Loopy, that is. I was told to take baby aspirin and make an appointment to have a stress test done. That was it.

I don't know what causes my chest pain. I am no closer to having an answer. I do know that what it isn't though, and that should be comforting, but it's hard. I have a feeling that this may never be solved. But this is the second time I've ended up in the ER by ambulance from chest pain. I had to call for one from home last year, Sept 2012. That was another day that Kai was with me, since he stayed home from school that day. Everything was fine and I felt ok, but then I got up to get something and I had a sudden sharp pain in my chest that made me stop in shock. It felt like knives digging and pushing into my chest wall, on my left side, above my heart. I didn't really think I was having a heart attack, but decided to Google symptoms anyways! (not that it made me feel any better) I was having trouble breathing and was dizzy and weak, so I finally called 9-1-1. That visit to LMH was different in that the pain was different. This past week I had a pressure, as if something was pushing down on top and from the sides of my left chest. Last year it was sharp spasms that came every few minutes. It left me gasping and doubling over in pain. I didn't have morphine then, but they gave me Demerol, which left me pretty drugged too. Of course, they did the usual x-ray, ECGs and blood tests to determine it wasn't my heart. In fact, the doctor said that it was "intra-muscular." and sent me home.  In my own searches, I came up with Costochondritis as a possibility, but my doctor suggested Tietze Syndrome. Neither of which can be helped, only treated with anti-inflamatories. So when I had the same sharp piercing pain last Sunday at my parent's house, I tried to rest, to control my breathing, and took some Naproxin and tylenol. Finally after 2 1/2 hours, the pain went away.

I don't know what to do. I've looked up possibilities that have popped into my head, even if there isn't an obvious link. Like Diabetes (I have a triple threat, since there's family history, since I have a sweet tooth not the best eating or exercising habits, and because I was on insulin for gestational diabetes with E. Oh great.) Or Hypothyroid. (which I am.) or Asthma. (which I have) Or Pulmonary Hypertension (I came across that in a search, and it scared me just a bit, until I realized that it was likely ruled out by the tests I did in the ER) It was also suggested by my family doctor and some friends that maybe it was a Panic Attack, which really didn't make me feel any better. I suppose it would be better than a heart attack, but it just didn't sit well with me. Sure, I have a few stressful situations going on (finances, not knowing which school the kids would go to, deciding on a move or not, finances, not enough sleep, ongoing delayment issues with R, finances, feeling unsure on what to do, deciding on going back to work, and did I mention finances?) but I tend to handle stress pretty good. I talk about it, and I think it over, and I try to come up with different solutions. But mostly I end up having to let it go. If I feel there isn't an answer that I can find, I know that my only solution is to give it back to God and let Him show me how to deal with it. Mostly His reply to me is to wait, and I'll admit that I am still struggling with patience, but He loves to teach me, so I wait. And wait. And wait. And pray for peace and wisdom and patience.  It hasn't been an easy summer with all of the things we felt we needed to decide on, but after several nice long walks and talks with Hunny (while the older kids were away) I felt confident in what we had come up with. So I didn't feel panicky, or fearful or like a stress ball. But it's so hard. I don't know what to think. A part of me thinks we'll never get a full answer and that's frustrating. But maybe that can be okay in the end, too. My friend gave me a wonderful text, saying "When God wants you to walk with a limp, you walk with a limp."  Maybe this is my limp.