gonna lose it!

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!


OMGosh, I am going CRAZY! Kai is driving me to the deep end. I just don't know what to do with him. He REFUSES to listen to me, and he doesn't behave. He is CONSTANTLY doing something else….


So far he has shoved Bryn, has dumped out all the markers/pencil crayons, pushed over my planter box, poked his fork into my window screen (his USED fork…he was sitting outside eating lunch), sctached Bryn, taken Abi's things, cut up some of my cardstock, painted the chair (good thing it's just acrylic paint and washable)………..I have yelled at him, conjoled him, spanked him, put him in for two Time Outs and now I'm just giving up. This ALWAYS happens.


I have asked him to clean up his mess…he didn't…. I have asked him to take off his shoes …. he hasn't….. Right now, he is in a poopy pull up (and it's obviously stinky) and yet he will NOT change. Not only will he not acknowledge it, but he won't even help me out. He wants me to do it all….take off his shoes, his pants, clean him, get him dressed again. But I figure he is 3 1/2 so I shouldn't have to do all that. So I told him to at least take off his shoes…of course, he hasn't. ….


When I went down to switch over the laundry, Abi came crying to me that Kai had bit (biten (yes BITTEN) Abi "for no reason"…so I sent him to his room….. Bryn was playing in there, so of course, I hear some screeching from him and then he comes crawling out and he's covered in marker on his back!!!!!


I am SERIOUSLY going to lose it today with him. I have had to stop myself from hitting him several times. I just do not know what to do for him. How do I get him to listen? to obey? to be respectful? to show kindness and love to his siblings?


I seriously need help.

***************************

It has been several hours since I first wrote that, and now I am here to finish this after a nice bath. I love long hot baths; they're relaxing. I love reading in the bathtub too (usually scrapbooking magazines for ideas) and find that I get out all rejuvinated and full of ideas.

An hour or so after I had typed the above part, I had put Kai into yet ANOTHER Time Out. And again he had come out on his own, not caring, not noticing, without any worry. And yet again I was too defeated to do anything about it. Kai does this EVERY day, this is not something that happens occassionally. However, Kai is also my Sweet Monkey, and I love him dearly. He causes Great Consternation for me, but it all gets wiped away in an instant when he acts sweet…or when I have a nap, lol! I would never never never want my Boy to go away or to cause harm on him. But he sure does test me. *sigh* And I keep losing, don't I?

When Jonathan came home, he had a talk with Kai, but it didn't seem to change anything. Within 10 minutes, Kai was in trouble again. He got angry about something a friend did, I can't even remember what it was, but Kai picked up one of my cooling racks for baking (which he had pulled out of the kitchen and dragged around the living room for no reason) and threw it!!! I was shocked! Jonathan had enough! He took a hold of Kai, gave his bare bum a quick smack (since he had pulled off his pullup and refused to put on another) and sent him to his room! ARRRGH!!!! What was WRONG with this boy today???? Kai cried and whined about being punished, but we were two tired parents and just could not deal with him any longer. Actually, I remember thinking a thought when I was SOOO angry with him. I remember thinking, "I can understand why some parents beat…" and then I stopped. I can UNDERSTAND??? AM I SERIOUS??? I couldn't even finish my own sentance b/c I suddenly realized just what I was saying, and it horrified me. I can't understand why parents beat their children! I can't sympathize with those who lose control and can't handle their temper! What am I saying??? And then I felt God speak to me….. 'that's what you're doing. You're losing control. You're not keeping your temper in check.' And it was a strange feeling. Convicted.

Jonathan and I were talking over dinner (by then, Abi had run over to the neighbours to play and Kai had fallen asleep during his Time Out, and Bryn was eating himself to sleep in his highchair!) and we were saying how Kai's anger and frustration is a problem and we didn't know how to deal with it. But then we both recognized how WE ourselves struggle with the same things. I am certainly NOT patient! And I don't handle my temper very well when I've "had enough!" Jonathan is the same way. No wonder our children have tantrums—-they've likely seen US have them!!!!!

So I'm in the bathtub tonight reading a book called "A Love Worth Giving" by Max Lucado. I've never read his books, but I know that he's a great writer. (I have read his children's stories though to my kids!) I actually bought this book when it came out through Crossings Book Club, thinking that it may make a good gift for someone! Well, I found it on my dusty bookshelf and decided to read it this week. Guess what I read about tonight? … I'm sure you must have a clue: Anger!!! (think God is still trying to tell me something???)

In this chapter ("the headwaters of anger" chapter 8), Max Lucado was saying how anger and rejection go hand in hand, how when we feel rejected, we start to feel angry, and that is the first step to a fire. His first example was of Cain and Abel. The brothers in Genesis. One a farmer, one a hunter, both at their alters offering to God. But Cain was rejected by God b/c he was disobedient in his offering, so he became angry, which is why he killed Abel. As I was reading this (and the other good examples) I was wondering how this connected with me, and it struck me how *I* felt rejected by Kai when he didn't respond to me, when he was disobedient, when he was outright naughty. That's why I was so angry…..not that I didn't have a reason to be. Not that I should've just thought, "oh well, there he goes again! I'm not going to let it bother me!" But I recognize how MY response wasn't correct. My anger was not only lashed out on Kai, but also on Abi, and she was such a wonderful girl today. She was well-behaved and polite (mostly…when she wasn't egging on Kai, lol) and I was short with her and frustrated and impolite in my response to her, and that's just as tragic.

Max Lucado goes on to add the kickers…."If rejection causes anger, wouldn't acceptance cure it?" I had to read that one a couple of times. H'mm… Acceptance? What exactly does that mean? When we accept Christ and His gift, we not only become different, but we are accepted and viewed differently too. "When God looks at you, he doesn't see you; he sees Jesus.."

"He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 NKJV

The other kicker? "You can not keep people from rejecting you. But you can keep rejections from enraging you."

So what is the point of this added part? The reason I got out of the tub and had to get onto the computer at 11:30pm? To be honest, I'm not too sure. I just know that God is speaking to me on my attitude. I have an anger issue. And a selfish one. And a patience one. I have a LOT of issues. Today was a rough day for me. My Boy misbehaved a lot and it was tough, but through it I have been able to really look at myself. I need to curb my own issues as well as tackle my son's. *sigh* It's hard being put in your place, but sometimes it's so necessary.