Saturday, August 31, 2013


I am trying to rest and de-stress by listening to music and writing. Everything was fine this morning, other than the kids being restless and getting on each other's nerves, that is. But then suddenly everything was happening at once. Kids fighting, kids asking for things, spills on the floor, 4 texts at once to answer, phone ringing, lunch to make, conversations all going on at once and I couldn't focus or follow anything. Argh!


We have so much going on that I don't know where to start. But a nap sounds good! (I wish!)

It is a few days until school starts again. I am feeling sad to think of summer being over, and knowing that my house will be quiet....and don't get me started on the early mornings again! But the kids are restless this week, so they are ready for something new again.

Why is life so damn expensive?
School supplies, shoes and clothes, school tuition, food, gas....we are fast approaching our expensive season, which begins the end of August in the preparation of school. September is filled with sudden school expenses like hot lunches and class pictures. Then we have birthdays and the beginning of Christmas buying. *sigh*  Our stress feels higher at the beginning of Autumn. It feels new and full of promise in Spring. And even when expenses put things on hold in Summer, there is still the hope of "another day" to get things done. But Autumn and Winter tells us to "hurry, you're running out of time, it needs to be done now." And I resent it because I love Fall so much. :(

Deep breaths.

Inside I feel all angsty, like there is a battle going on. I am trying to search for answers and find some peace and I am longing to lean on Him in trust, but the struggle continues. I feel like things are going to change and that there needs to be a change, but I don't know what or where. It's like being in the eye of the hurricane. It's calm and things are going well, but all around me I can see disruptions and chaos, and I fear it's going to hit me soon.

Or maybe all this overwhelming stress is the hurricane and I'm almost out of it. Soon there will be complete peace and I can sit and breathe and think clearly. Not because I'm in the Eye, but because it's done and settled.

We had our children's schooling figured out last week. It was a simple phone call, that's all it took. It was so underwhelming that I felt anxiety over it! I had spent my summer weighing options, being filled with worry, praying for solutions, discussing ideas, being held back by this One.Big.Thing. And it was solved in one minute!  I admit that I would've liked it to have taken a bit more work, more discussing, more laying out our plans. Maybe even a bit more excitement all around.

To have it solved is a huge blessing and a weight off our shoulders, but it took up so much of my mind that I don't know what to do with myself. The ideas we had thought up, what happens to those? I wish it were so easy to dismiss it all like others have with the enthusiastic, "Hooray! That's great! God is good!" but it is taking me a bit longer to find the strength and the trust, I guess. I feel like I'm doubting a gift and that makes me feel even worse!

 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.    ~Galations 5:22, 23

I need those fruits right now.


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