Thursday, October 22, 2009

Wish I spoke Polish

I just had my neighbour berate me. Well, firstly, he's not really my neighbour, he's my neighbour's father; he's just there all of the time. Secondly, it was in Polish, which I don't speak. We have lived here for 6 years and I think I still only know the same words I first understood from him!

I just arrived home from picking up the kids from school, and the man practically ran at me, as if laying in wait for me. At first I nodded and said, 'yes, I know! because he is gesturing to the many leaves across my lawn, driveway and sidewalk. See, I don't own a leafblower like he does, and I don't have all the time to blow them around every afternoon. Knowing that, he picked up some of mine and filled my one-and-only Yard Waste pail. I was grateful and have memo'd myself to buy more recycling yard bags. Twice now.

But then he's getting quite animated, and it's starting to sound more angry and frustrated. I can't understand half of what he's saying, of course, not speaking any Polish of my own, but I do catch the odd few words. Garbage. Here. Trailer. Boat. Garbage. Help. There.

And I get the gist. My neighbour is berating me in Polish about my messy house. And I'm a mix of emotions.
I'm angry at the nerve of him. Doesn't he know how difficult it is for me?
I'm embarrassed because he's right. Hunny did work on the deck and just dumped things at the side of the house (old pipes, wood, etc) The front of the garage has garbage bags of debris. My backyard is an unsafe disaster (DS1 stepped on a nail the other day)
I'm frustrated to live like this.
I feel I need to make excuses. I have 4 children and no time to focus on every part of my house. Something is going to get left behind. My Hunny works 6 days a week and is a typical man, meaning when he comes home, he sits and watches t.v. in the evening.

You know the worst feeling? That things aren't any better IN my house either! I wish I could say that my exterior may need work, but that's because the interior has all my attention and look at how beautiful and upkept it is! But it's not. I fail at that one too.

At this point, I feel defeated.
Absolutely crushed.
I've failed in so many things.

And I want to say that what my neighbour thinks doesn't matter. But it does. No, I'm not trying to 'Keep up with the Jones', but I need to be aware of the reflection I'm giving across to others. Am I embarrassing myself/my family? Am I looking like a fool? What do others think when they see me, my house, my children?

I've read it several places that a SAHM should be "the best homemaker" there is. You know, work as if I were getting paid (wouldn't that be nice?) Make it something my Hunny could be proud of. And I'm trying. But I feel like I always fail. It's just Not.Good.Enough. I can't keep up with it. And I don't know what my problem is.

I feel overwhelmed with STUFF right now and I can't focus. I need to some Major Clean Sweeping (remember that t.v. show? I thought I needed help until I saw the state of some of those rooms, lol! Turns out, I do need help still! lol) but task list is so long I don't know where to begin.

Oh, and lets not forget I only have a good 2-hours every now and then to work on it. Then I have children to tend to, food to make, and other errands.

It's all piling up and I feel very cornered. My neighbour is right and I'm embarrassed. But I don't know what to do; where to start.

I wish I had time, money, ideas... It all seems so futile, you know? But I could make a list up of things that I don't do well or do at all. There are limitations to my ability. Sadly, my personality, charm and beauty don't cut it! *smile* I may always need to have someone over to help me clean my house, or rake my leaves. But is that so bad?

I wish I spoke Polish and then we could talk this through, instead of me guessing and leaving feeling like a failure, the one-who-brings-the-neighbourhood-value-down.

I also wish I didn't care what he thought and only focused on what I can and DO do.


Powered by Blogger.