Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Just Surviving

I didn't think I was doing to make it through the last week. I really thought that I'd just collapse and be done with life by Wednesday. But I managed to pull through. I don't know how other than by receiving strength when I needed it.

I don't do well with too much busyness.  With having five kids, I've had a lot of comments on how busy it be at our house, but really it's not. The kids don't do sports, so we aren't going to practices every day. They aren't interested and we are part of the 60% of Canadians who can't afford sports teams for our children, or whatever the percentage is. (I'd love to put Bryn into soccer, and Kai into Tae Kwon Do or the kids into gymnastics.)  Really it's just Abi's youth group and babysitting that we have weekly.

But some weeks we have so much going on that every day has a scheduled event. And too many days like that in a row add up to me. I feel like I can't rest. There's too much to plan for and prepare and think over. And it's been that way for several weeks now. 

Busy busy busy

Ever since Spring Break last month.

We've had important doctor appointments, birthday parties, and play dates.  Then immediately we went into Easter. And then more important doctor's appointments, and meetings, and big school projects. Add some contagious infections and a weakened immune system and there you go.

I felt weary.

Oh so weary.

I kept up my Thankful List. (think Thankful Thursday but done daily. Every morning, I'll start the day with devotions from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. And I'll end the day by writing in my journal about all the things that happened and the things that I can be thankful for.  Some days are wonderful and easy. Some are boring. And some are tough and frustrating. But I have always found something to be thankful for.)  I also kept up my BSF homework. So I really should have felt a closeness to God as I drew near to HIm in my weakness.

But instead I felt weary.

And alone.

I knew He was there, and I knew that He was listening and I knew He cared. But I didn't feel Him. Not because He and I were different but because I felt so numb, and when that happens you just go on autopilot.

I was so grateful for the strength to do what I needed. By Friday night, after driving from one end of Cloverdale to the other end of Aldergrove twice in two hours for a birthday party, I collapsed in my bed and buried myself under my pillows and blankets. Like my own blanket fort.  I would've cried, but even I was too weary for that.

I wish I could say that I had a miraculous moment or a break-through that changed everything, but instead I mustered up the energy to go on. Somehow the kids got fed. And somehow they got tucked into bed. And I fell into bed by 11:30pm myself. (and early night for me)  Then the night turned into day and the sunshine greeted me after a good sleep, and the day held promise and hope again.

It's amazing how suddenly one day everything can change. I don't know how it happens. You can guess that it's because I got enough sleep (I managed to sleep in too) and that would help. Or you could argue that we were finally all feeling healthy again. You could even suggest that it was God blessing me with a new day and change.  I'm willing to agree to all three.

Whatever the reason, I am so grateful to be able to wake up to sunshine and a renewed spirit and to hope and healing. It was the first day in over a week that I didn't feel weighed down or fatigued or depressed. I didn't need to muster up more strength to make it through.

Somehow I survived!

By the grace of God, I stumbled through the trials of busyness and came out intact.  There is something about having no major plans, a good sleep in, beautiful weather and a fresh day to renew your spirit.

I hope that whatever you are going through, you feel cared for and that you can find rest.  I don't know when your break will come, but I know that it will. I pray it comes soon for you.  We all need hope to be able to carry on.


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